Burial Ground

Burial Ground

burial ground still

After a bit of a hiatus, we are back with an entertaining episode about a notoriously ridiculous Italian grindhouse horror classic, Burial Ground. Touted by many as a “solid zombie movie” and reminiscent of Fulci’s far-better Zombi 2, we found it…well, a little dull and tedious. With one very notable exception…

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Burial Ground (1981)

Episode 395, 2 Guys and a Chainsaw Podcast

Todd: Hello, and welcome to another episode of Two Guys and a Chainsaw. I’m Todd.

Craig: And I’m Craig.

Todd: Well, coming fresh off of Werewolf Month, uh, decided to just do something totally random that had been on my list for quite a long time. Today, we’re doing one of Craig’s favorite genres. Old 1970s, early 1980s Italian horror films.

This one is Burial Ground, otherwise known as the Knights of Terror, Le Notti Del Terrore. I don’t know. My Italian’s probably sucks.  

Craig: I alreadyneed you to explain something to me. Why is it called Burial Ground when that’s not the name of the movie? It was retitled. The name of the 

Todd: movie. Is the Nights of Terror.

Well, it was retitled. You know how these things go. It’s retitled when it gets put in like the American market or on video or things like that. Often they’re too lazy to even change the title card in the movie. You remember that one? What was that one we did that was the mutilator, but the original title was Fall Break?

I don’t know. We were super confused. If you see it on the shelves in the horror section, which I did a lot, it was called Burial Ground. And had this weird, almost dolly esque picture of a skull. It’s a little silvery, but not also dripping and kind of on a desert wasteland. I don’t know. It’s all very weird.

Doesn’t look at all like the movie. But yeah, I think Burial Ground is not a bad name for this. Probably a little more interesting than The Knights of Terror. The director is Andrea Bianchi. He died in 2013. Okay, so he lived to the ripe old age of 88. And he mostly was known for doing giallos, uh, and then just like most of the giallo people dipped into, like, gore, horror every now and then.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I sat down and watched, uh, his 1975 film, Strip nude for your killer, which, title alone. Sexy. Yeah. That was another one I had seen on lists that, um, you know, were like, yeah, some giallos you need to see. And, uh, for a giallo, it wasn’t, it wasn’t awful, it wasn’t super great, but anyway, it’s been on my list for that reason.

It’s been on a lot of lists. People say it’s a fun zombie movie. That’s got everything you expect in a zombie movie. Lots of, lots of old, decrepit zombies lumbering about. Lots of gore, lots of kills, and boobs. So, uh, I went into it with that expectation, and a number of the reviews I had read were quite positive.

Clip: Then, 

Todd: after watching the movie, I read more and more reviews, and I saw they were very across the board. Like, I mean, it’s almost polarizing what people, either you love this movie and you think it’s great, For whatever reason, or you’re like, this is just, like, boring, dumb trash, so. I’m not sure which side of the fence you’ll fall on, we’ll find that out, but I assume you’ve never seen this before.

Yeah, of course not. Never heard of it. Even the cover art didn’t strike you from the 

Craig: I don’t know, I don’t even remember what the cover art was. Oh, okay. But I didn’t know. I just want to say off the bat that this movie is an hour and 25 minutes long. I aged 40 years

Watching this movie I swear to god. I was like just hitting the touch pad on my Laptop every 30 seconds and every 30 seconds like They’re still 40 minutes left and then, uh, 30 seconds later. Oh, 

Clip: there’s still 39 minutes 

Todd: left. Well, it does kind of plod along at the pace of a zombie and not the 28 days later zombies we’re talking the original George Romero zombies.

Uh, maybe even slower, honestly. Yeah. I felt like, you know, if I were to sum up this movie, it felt like. a whole bunch of b roll That was cobbled together And then some actors were brought in to flesh out the bare minimum of what you could possibly consider a story I have no 

Craig: idea how this movie was originally presented because all of the dialogue is clearly Adr.

Oh, yeah, so I couldn’t tell it almost Looked to me like they just shot footage without the actors talking at all. Uh, and then they just laid dialogue over it.

I don’t think I have no, I don’t think that these actors had any idea what they were going to be saying. saying in these scenes, I think they were just told to like, maybe move their mouths a little bit, but it didn’t even matter because everything was shot in such tight closeup that you could only see their eyes for the most of the time.

So you didn’t even see their mouths moving. So it didn’t matter, but there was all this ADR laid over it and the dialogue was so close. That’s stupid. 

Todd: I know. You would have to imagine that a person, even if English isn’t their first language, like if a person actually was given these lines to read on set, they would have been like, nah, I’m not doing that, come on, we’re going to massage this a little bit.

Just film me with my mouth closed. It’s a good strategy, it’s a good strategy for keeping your options open, just maybe I wouldn’t have chosen these particular options at the end of the day. Oh man, I can’t wait to talk about some of this dialogue. It is crazy. 

Craig: It, it, I mean, it worked, like. Here’s the thing.

Here’s the thing. I went to IMDB not to read the trivia because I, I typically don’t like to read trivia until after, like I want to be surprised by things. Right. But I do sometimes go and read reviews. And the, like, viewer reviews are like, This movie is fantastic, like, it is the best, so bad it’s good movie, like, Uh, it’s awful, but it’s great.

Every review that I read was like eight out of ten, nine out of ten, 10 out of 10, like great reviews. And I texted you and I’m like, Ooh, I’m excited.

Then I started watching it and I’m like, this. As I was watching it, I was thinking I want to live in the world where this is really funny and It’s it’s it’s hilarious and I’m enjoying watching it. I tried to Make a lot of connections to troll 2 because it kind of looks like that It kind of looks like troll 2.

Oh the makeup effects a little bit. Yeah Oh the the costuming the makeup effects Not good, but on I mean they they made a whole documentary about it You know the best worst movie or whatever, which is a great movie if you haven’t Yeah. If you, if you haven’t seen that documentary, the best worst movie, you should watch it.

Yeah. It’s great. It’s great. And, and troll two really is a great bad movie. It’s one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, but because it’s so bad, it’s hilarious. Yeah. This just didn’t quite get there for me. Like I wanted it to be that, and there were elements of it that were like that, but overall I was like, holy shit, 

Todd: please let this be over.

I think what you like about Troll 2 and what most because it’s campy, right? It’s super campy. This doesn’t really have camp. It’s just Bad. I think if I had been watching this with my friends, uh, we would have been rolling on the floor. I think I tr I think we would have I 

Craig: tried to imagine I tried to imagine a Scenario in which I would enjoy this and I couldn’t.

The only scenario Oh my god, this is going way back into our roots when I used to say this all the time. Put it on a screen, a big screen, and At a Halloween party with no volume at all. Just this movie on a screen, no volume at all. Great, great ambiance for a Halloween party. But other than that, no. 

Todd: This movie is a hundred percent the movie that’s showing on a television screen in another horror movie.

Yes. Like the scene where people are watching a horror movie. This is the kind of movie. That is there. Either it’s a movie like this, or it’s a movie that they’ve shot to look like this so it seems silly. Yes. And for that, you know, it’s kind of fun. I mean, I had fun at moments, but like you, I was kind of waiting for it to be over.

I mean, look, we might as well just start talking about it, like, in detail. Because there’s some details I definitely want to hit. Totally, however, like, 

Craig: I have a page full of notes. I always take notes on the plot. But, there is no sense in trying to talk about the plot of this. There’s no plot. Zombies.

Zombies attack, 

Clip: some people, 

Craig: that’s all. Yeah, the end. All right. Okay, great. So I totally agree. There are things that are very much worthy of talking about here, but if we try to get into the plot, okay, so basic setup in the beginning, some scientist or professor or something is like at an archeological did either Jesus.

Or a lost member of ZZ Top. I figured he’s one of the two. 

Todd: Yeah. 

Craig: He’s at an archaeological dig and he, like, moves some rocks, which sets something into motion, which wakes up zombies. Yeah. Fine. Then, a bunch of assholes show up at, like, a mansion to hang out, and it’s like three couples, and then they just start getting picked off one by one by zombies randomly.

That’s it. That’s the plot. So Yeah. There are fun things to talk about. I’m excited to talk about some things, but that is the plot. Yeah, that’s it. 

Todd: Well, that’s, I mean, to be fair, that’s the plot of almost every zombie movie we say, with a couple small details changed. So In that regard, it’s not all that different.

But, uh, the fact that it is so bare bones, and you’re not gonna learn anything about, well, you learn a couple things about a couple of these characters. But other than that, nobody is of consequence. I can’t wait till we get to it. But anyway, I love You know what I’m talking about. I know what you’re 

Craig: talking 

Todd: about.

Craig: It was the one thing, like halfway through the movie, I went into the trivia because I was so And there was, like, one, like, spoiler trivia. I’m like, I don’t give a f k. Like, I don’t care how this movie is going to end. I don’t care if anything gets spoiled. And then I read that one spoiler thing and I’m like, Oh, well I have to at least watch to see that.

Todd: Wouldn’t it have been more fun if you had been totally surprised? That would have been kind of I don’t know. Oh, who knows. You might have been looking away by that point, who knows. Probably. I love, I love that he, this guy, who, you know, like you said, it’s just his standard setup. We don’t know what he’s discovered.

It doesn’t matter what he’s discovered. All he does is say, 

Clip: I’m the only one who knows the secret. It’s incredible. Incredible. Yet it’s 

Todd: true. It must be. And that’s it. And then, when he goes into the tomb to hack away at a rock or whatever, which apparently somehow, for some reason, wakes up the zombie.

That’s literally all he does. Is Hakaway to rock. The zombies are coming at him and he goes, 

Clip: No, no! Stand back! I’m your friend! No! No! 

Todd: Oh my god. I kind of about fell out of my chair on that one. But yeah, the zombies are kind of crusty. I mean, I did and I didn’t like the zombie makeup. We’ve obviously seen way better zombie makeup.

This gets compared a lot to Fulchies. Zombie 2. Zombie 2. And sometimes it’s been titled Zombie 3. I think when it was released in Italy, you know, some distributors titled it Zombie 3. Because you can do that. You can title your movie whatever you want. There’s no copyright on titles. So a lot of these Italian movies would try to pass themselves off as sequels to more popular movies long after the release date, just by changing the title.

But Fulcis are cool because they were crusty, right? They came out of the ground and they felt like those old school voodoo zombies that have been in the dirt for a while. They don’t have, like, rotting flesh hanging off of them, they’re just, like, mummified, you know? And I really liked that about that movie.

And I felt that this movie, most of the way, took a similar tone. Right down to the throwing maggots on them very, very frequently. You see a lot of close ups on their faces. But the Fulci makeup was done way better. This looks like everyone’s kind of wearing masks. You can even see, like, like human eyes in some of them.

Like, like they’re wearing a Halloween mask. Like, you know, you would paint around your eye black, so that it looks like it’s an eye socket, but really there’s an eye in there. Even some close ups on some of them, you could see, like, their lips. Ha ha! Behind the teeth. And I read in the trivia that some of these masks were just modified versions of very well known masks.

Like, there’s an actual Boris Karloff Frankenstein mask. Where once I read it, I was like, oh yeah, no, no duh. Like, one of those mummies looks totally like Frankenstein with just some hair, and I think they threw a couple extra teeth in there. So, I mean, I, I enjoyed the attempt at making these scary zombies, but ultimately I couldn’t get past feeling like these were guys walking around with masks on.

They moved a bit like that too. Yeah. Especially when they started picking up tools and using them, and organizing themselves. Behind battering rams to, uh, batter the door down. 

Craig: What I had in my notes when the zombies first appeared is that I I The design is okay. I I I said it’s just guys in masks and costumes.

My problem with it is Okay, so, if this were a stage show, and the zombies didn’t need to talk at all, I would think they’d look fantastic. But, it’s not on stage. It’s close up, and you can clearly see that they are just in masks that do not because they don’t talk. So they’re just full head masks. And then they’re basically just dressed in like burlap sacks.

Like that’s not even fair 

Todd: to say all the same costume 

Craig: and they walk with their arms outstretched like zombies, like cartoon zombies. Yeah, like cartoon zombies, like Scooby Doo zombies, like arms outstretched, fingers dangling at the ends of their 

Clip: Yeah. For 

Craig: the most part. I’m doing it. Can you see it? Can you see what I’m 

Todd: doing?

We all know this one. It’s, it’s just Right, right. It’s the standard mummy pose as well. Yeah. Uh huh. And it’s 

Craig: fine. But it’s fine. But they, like, they don’t move fast. At some point in the movie, one of the characters is like, well, we can just run past them because they’re not fast 

Todd: anyway. One of the characters says, after they’ve kind of fended themselves, uh, they, they end up locked in the house, right?

And back in this big mansion and they board up a couple of windows. And they fended off a few zombies. A couple of them have been attacked through windows or whatever, but they seem fairly safe in there. But they feel like after the battering ram, they’re going to be overtaken. One of the characters says, 

Clip: Let them come in.

Maybe it’s something in the house they want, not us. I’ve got an idea. What? Well, let them inside. We can keep out of their reach. They’re all so slow. Oh my god. 

Craig: I wrote that down too. So dumb. And you, and one would think that that would be the case. And yet 

Todd: they keep getting attacked. Especially outside, Jesus Christ.

I, I, 

Craig: I, I, I have to go back in the earlier movie to kind of set things up because there are some things that I want to talk about that need set up. Okay, so after we see this one guy. 

Todd: You realize we’re gonna end up going through the plot. You realize it’s just gonna happen. I 

Craig: don’t want, no, that’s not. But you’re gonna have to.

We cannot, because it’s so boring. Oh, it is boring. It’s so boring. Yeah. Um, okay, so, then, these three couples, I wrote down a ton of names, it doesn’t matter, they’re just these three couples, like, middle aged, I don’t know. I say middle aged. They’re probably like in their thirties. Meanwhile, I’m 45 and ancient, but they all show up.

Uh, and I have in all caps, it’s all ADR. Oh my God. That drove me nuts too. I understand. I understand that these Italian. Films were made and they had every intention of dubbing them and that’s fine, but it still gets on 

Todd: my nerves. Well, this is one of the poorer dubbing jobs. I mean, we’ve seen way better dubbing jobs.

This one’s horrible. 

Craig: Oh my God. Like I said earlier, you see them talking sometimes, but for the most part, they’re just like filmed from the nose up or they’re not on camera at all. And you just hear. Dialogue, it honestly feels like somebody gave somebody the print of this movie and said, I’m not going to tell you what it’s about.

Just film some dialogue over it.

Todd: You might not be wrong, actually. 

Craig: And there’s, there’s so much like, ah, get it. 

Todd: Like it’s. It’s insane. It’s crazy. Well there has to be to fill all that space. 

Craig: Oh 

Todd: my god. One zombie attack can take ten minutes and it’s not an exciting ten minutes. 

Craig: Oh, it’s so long. No, not at all. There are three couples, they have giant palatial bedrooms in this mansion, and one of the couples has A son named Michael, who is creepy as and 

Todd: as far as I’m concerned, the star of this movie, 

Craig: the star of this movie, the only reason to watch this movie because this child.

is played by a grown dwarf man. Like he’s a little person. He was 

Todd: 32 

Craig: or so when he did this. He’s credited on IMDb as a dwarf. 

Todd: Yeah. 

Craig: The, the verbiage, the verbiage is controversial, but that’s what he has chosen for, I guess. I mean, he’s dead, so I don’t know. 

Todd: He’s a diminutive person. Yes. 

Craig: Yeah. Yeah. And, and he’s playing a child and to fantastic effect, because he is so creepy because you can tell, like, this is not a child.

Like you can just tell by looking at him, like he has grown man hands, but they dress him like a child and they treat him like a child the whole time. And they had to do that. They had to. You cast an adult man to get past, wherever they were, in Italy or wherever, the legalities of casting children in violent or sexual scenarios.

Right. And thank God,

Oh, it’s so silly. I mean, that’s, I, I, I’m not going to jump to the end. I’m not going to jump to the cum shot of the movie. Do not. 

Todd: Just, just as we were watching the film to get to this scene, you have to go through the podcast to hear what we’re talking about. 

Craig: Exactly. Okay. So then there’s one guy who has a mustache, who I will henceforth refer to as mustache, he, he and his girlfriend, she finds some lingerie, like in a closet and puts it on and.

And he says, you know, just like a little whore, but I like that. 

Clip: What 

Craig: is this? And then, and then composite of everybody. Yeah, just everybody, everybody’s. Everybody’s banging and somebody you don’t know who is snooping watching all these people bang. And then it turns out, I guess that it’s the kid and he walks in on his mom and her boyfriend, I guess, banging and she jumps off her boyfriend’s dick and Stands there in front of him.

And I swear to God, I wish I could show it in my notes. I have. She only covers her puss, not her boobs.

And in the moment I was like, well, they’re in Europe. They don’t really care about boobs. They’re Europeans. But I feel like maybe that’s important later. Oh my god. Those are the important plot points that I have. 

Todd: This is very clever foreshadowing that the director has slipped in here. You’re right, that’s exactly what this is.

Oh my god. That’s 

Craig: about it. I mean, those are the important plot points that I have. 

Todd: I, you know. Then there’s Joan. There’s Joan and uh, and uh, Or is it Janet and Mark? Janet. Yeah. Is freaking out about nothing. I believe something terrible is going to happen, Mark. And so Mark calms down his hysterical woman, who becomes the stereotypical hysterical woman throughout the entire movie.

Yeah, for the whole thing. Yep. And then, like you said, the zombies in the crypt, they’re slowly making their way out of the catacombs right now. It switches between day and night so frequently, I couldn’t tell whether it was supposed to be Day for night in some outside shots or whether it was really nighttime or whether it was really day, 

Craig: it was, it was giving me shades of things.

It was giving me shades of Gothic in the way that they shot the house. Um, like, like shooting up, uh, like ceilings, balconies and stuff. Yeah, right. Um, and it was also giving me shades of. Well, probably zombie too. Yeah, that’s that’s what I’m thinking of. Yeah, like the the zombies I mean, they just come out of nowhere basically, but at some point I feel like it’s when mark and janet are humping God, there’s so much humping in this movie.

They’re doing it outside in the garden All their clothes on, but he is humping her leg, her leg. Oh God. Oh my God. It was crazy. But, but one zombie comes up out of the ground and I liked the way it looked. It reminded me of zombie too. It reminded me of thriller, but these. These types of movies posit that you bury people two inches under the ground.

Yeah, just anywhere, like in the 

Todd: garden out back. 

Craig: Their arms, as though they’re laying prostrate, like just rise up out of the ground as though the grass is growing out of their fingers. As far as I know. We bury people down in the ground. I don’t know whatever it doesn’t matter The 

Todd: zombies come out and they chase them around.

One zombie comes out of like a flower box in the garden. I’m pretty sure. Yes. Oh, I think that was supposed to be a crypt. Really? I think. Sitting out there on top in the middle of the garden right by the fountain. Yeah, 

Craig: well and like things are growing out of the top of it like big plants are growing But I think it was supposed to be a crypt I don’t know.

Again, I have so many notes, but honestly, 

Todd: nothing happened. Well, I mean, the creepiest part in the movie for me was when the candle shaped light bulbs start breaking On the candelabra and you get the shot of the butler and his maid Both going back and forth like they’re in a tennis match. That was 

Craig: hilarious 

Todd: It’s left 

Craig: and right as the candles break on the candle.

The butler and the maid were my favorite characters Because They had nothing to do and they acted so scared when those bulbs started exploding and it was, you’re so right, it was like a 10 inch match. It was like you see a light bulb explode and then it goes back to their faces and they’re just looking back and forth.

Oh, it’s hilarious. That was hilarious. They were my favorites.

My, one of my other favorite things was like, once they are like, they know they are being besieged by zombies and there are zombies outside the house, there are zombies all over the place. The servants still continue to serve 

Clip: them 

Craig: like they’re serving them 

Todd: champagne on trays. Yeah. Like with white gloves and everything,

Craig: Yeah, there are zombies. I am no longer your maid go to 

Todd: hell, not the kind of service we require right now. I want you to put up some, some windows. I’m not getting paid 

Craig: enough for this. Thank you very much. 

Todd: I loved this, these sets that these, some of these indoor sets, not the ones that were inside of the, uh, the mansion, which was clearly filmed in some actual mansion somewhere, but.

Like, when they were in these bizarre rooms, like some sculptor’s studio, and then some room that looks like a garage, and then some other room that’s quite empty, I’m pretty sure they were all the same room. That was just lightly decorated, like, the decoration of the set just changed slightly between the scenes.

And this woman is practicing shooting a gun, indoors! In this sculptor’s studio. When Michael comes in and yells, MAMA! And he runs over and kisses her hand, And I’m like, what? He like, gives her this hug, and she gives him this embrace, it’s a little weird. That was my first moment where I was like, something is either hilariously inept, or about the acting here, or they’re trying to allude to something very weird between Michael and his mother.

Craig: Which they are, and at that point, it’s uncertain. But, again, like, Mark and Janet are humping, they’re still humping, on the ground. And then A zombie shows up and I swear to God, the dialogue, 

Clip: oh, mark, what is it? 

Craig: I don’t know. 

Clip: God adorable. Whatever it is, it’s not human. It’s a walking car. Oh, terrified. Mark.

Come on, 

Craig: let’s get out of here. Now! 

Clip: Come on! 

Craig: And then they run, and again, that’s another reason why this movie is just so dumb, because somebody even calls it out in the movie. Just run away from them, it’s not that big a deal. And up until the end, they keep just putting themselves in confined spaces where the zombies like, just go out into the woods and run until you can’t run anymore!

They can’t chase you! 

Todd: You can walk away from these zombies. You don’t even need to run. They have these stare downs while the zombie slowly stands up. That one I think you’re talking about is where they just sit on the ground watching while the zombie slowly stands up and then just kind of stands there and looks at them.

Yeah, almost like it’s a puppy. It’s so bizarre. Yeah, and they are still acting terrified and screaming and yelling, but they’re making no move to run off until some other zombie comes and attacks her from behind. Then they run off. And then it’s like, just a whole bunch of b roll, it’s just close up shots of zombies, zombies popping out from behind bushes, zombies walking between the trees, sometimes wide shots, sometimes medium shots, sometimes extreme close ups, sometimes there’s one coming out of the ground, sometimes there’s not, just cuts.

In between shots of the other people standing around looking scared and occasionally running from one spot to another in this pretty open area where they could really go anywhere they wanted. 

Craig: Anywhere! At one point the zombies come across I don’t know, uh, the weird kid and his mom and the mom’s husband and the husband tries to shoot the zombies and we get like 20 shots of these zombies getting shot and nothing happening and then they all just converge around him and that’s typically what happens when anybody dies like it’s just a bunch of zombies Surround them and grab them and start disemboweling them.

Now, as far as special effects goes, the practical effects are not bad. When they were disemboweling people, it looked okay. 

Todd: I mean, it’s like animal parts and red paint or something. Exactly. I 

Craig: feel like they were pulling out real livers and stuff. It looked fine, but it didn’t make any sense that these people would just stand there while they were converged upon.

Like, just move! Just leave! And a couple of them get eaten. George, the stepdad of weirdo Michael, gets eaten. Meanwhile, everybody else is still like, making out. 

Todd: How about Janet getting caught in a random bear trap in the garden? Oh my god. Of this, 

Craig: of this, of this. Right before that in my notes I have in all caps.

Oh my god, there is still an hour left This is only an hour and 25 minute movie and I surely thought it was almost over and it only been 25 minutes Yeah, and she’s caught in a bear trap for far too long Like, oh my god, like, the zombies are, you know, coming on him, he’s trying to get her out. Meanwhile, he is pulling the bear trap completely open, and she’s just sitting there like, Pull your goddamn foot out!

Todd: What is wrong with you? And then later, when she ends up in the house and they take a look at her wound, She says, oh, your ankle’s really bruised. Unless your ankle was in a bear trap, it should be broken. I don’t understand this. 

Craig: She can still run around mostly, except at one point, she says, oh, it hurts so bad, it hurts so bad, just let me die, just let me die.

What is wrong with you? Just let, my ankle hurts, just let me die. I would let her die. 

Todd: Her boyfriend just leaves her there in the bear trap to try to fend off the zombies. I don’t know where he got it from, but somehow he had a pitchfork in his hand, which he just mostly shakes at the zombies menacingly until a one eyed zombie basically presses himself up against it.

And I thought he was going to walk into it. I thought we were going to get a cool special effect. I did too. No, he just takes it away and tosses it aside while Mark stands there patiently waiting for the zombie to get to him. This is why it’s so boring, is because all these scenes are so long and they have no logic to them.

So, there’s no tension here. I didn’t feel any tension, I was just laughing. Again, if I had been with friends, we would have been laughing through this whole thing. When you’re watching it by yourself, It’s a different story, I think. 

Craig: No, it’s terrible. Should we get to the good shit? I feel like the good shit is at some point Michael and his mom are in the garage?

Michael and his mom. What? I don’t hear This came out of nowhere, and to be very honest I went ahead and read the spoilers because I didn’t care, but this scene comes out of nowhere! Oh, are you gonna jump to this already? I don’t 

Todd: know. I don’t know, are we? Like, is Just a minute. Is there more? Before we get to that, I want to point out a couple more things, because it’s like, we get the couples, and then Michael and his mom are the couple, right?

Even though I think the father is still alive right now. No, he’s dead. Are you sure? Wasn’t he the bearded one? Yeah, I think he was the first one that got killed. Oh, okay. I think. 

Craig: I don’t 

Todd: know. I don’t know. So they’re the couple. You know, it’s just couples, couples, couples, couples, and they’re the couple.

They’re in like a garage or a storage shed or something. And a zombie is again, slow walking towards them, and they’re just standing there. And he, Michael goes, Mama, we can set it on fire! Oh my god. So. She very deliberately and slowly picks up, like, a pen. Paint can or paint thinner. I don’t know what it was some chemical.

I have no idea It’s green goo in a bucket that is sitting there are two of these buckets that are expressly set up for this purpose Just sitting there for no reason that she kind of tosses on the zombie and then he has a box of matches and she goes Back and she gets a match from him. Then she runs up to the zombie and sticks the match on him Bursts into flames and so, you know, you get your cool You You know, low budget, uh, effect.

It’s always awesome to see a person on fire, cause you know, the stunt is very dangerous. So you got the zombie on fire who then collapses in front of him. Another zombie walks in after and she does exactly the same. 

Craig: Because Michael says, do the same thing to him. Yes, 

Clip: so she 

Todd: does. Oh my God. It’s it really, it’s like watching the exact same scene play out twice back to back.

It’s just as slow and deliberately the second time with no change as it did the first time. I mean, a lot of this does feel like they’re trying to chew through time. Honestly, 

Craig: um, the maid gets killed. The zombies are the maid. Getting killed was cool, like surrounding the castle. I 

Todd: liked the ma. Okay, let me put it this way.

I have a, I have a note in here. This is 40 minutes in where they all end up inside the, the mansion. And at this point it felt like it was still day, but somebody turns to the maid and, and asks her to go get something. So the maid lights a candle and starts to walk through the now dark hallways of the house.

And so, at some point here, it became night, quickly. And so now we have the standard person walking slowly through the dark hallways of the house with nothing but a candle to light her path. She ends up at a window, and she leans out the window. And one of the zombie has throwing daggers? Is that it? I guess.

It’s like he throws a dagger at her, which impales her hand, which is sticking out on the sill. Impales her hand on the sill. Which makes her immobile, so she can’t move. Apparently she also can’t pull her head back inside. Because down from below, the zombies who have tools now, this scythe, I mean, I thought it was almost comical the way this sickle or scythe or whatever you call it, you know, the thing that death carries around.

Slowly comes up and over onto her neck and kind of saws 

Clip: through her neck 

Todd: and takes her head off. The guy runs in, sees her body there, sees her head off, looks down, sees that the zombies all have axes now, and are starting to hack into, uh, the door. So he decides that the best course of action for him right now, for reasons I still don’t understand, is to go ahead and toss her body out the window.

Which he does. But it pivots on that hand! So she’s hanging by that hand, and the zombies pull from below, and it rips through her hand. A totally unnecessary bit of, of violence to an already dead body that Still, I thought it was kind of funny. Ha ha ha ha! Were you not amused by that? I thought that was hilarious.

Why they went through all this trouble to do that thing, I’ll never understand. 

Craig: I don’t know. I felt like it was, they were trying to do stuff with effects, I guess. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t understand, like, now all of a sudden These zombies are like, knife throwers? Yeah. 

Todd: They’ve got axes. They just walk away too at some point, right?

Like, uh, they decide the axes aren’t working, so then all the zombies turn around and literally just walk away. And when they come back, they have a giant log. That they’re using as a battering ram. Like, heave ho, heave ho. To 

Craig: smash the door down. I know, well, I mean the movie doesn’t make any sense. Like, most of the time they’re just lumbering idiots.

With their arms outstretched. But they can also organize and Use tools. 

Clip: Yeah, it’s stupid. 

Craig: I don’t know. I mean, I keep saying it’s stupid. It’s, it’s not like much different than any other zombie movie. I guess what I read was that, uh, a lot of critics just felt like this was a cheap rip off of zombie two, which we’ve talked about, honestly, I don’t, I don’t remember.

I don’t remember what we said about it. I don’t remember watching it. I don’t remember if I liked it. 

Todd: I think you liked it too. You, uh, we, we both thought it was pretty solid. 

Craig: And they said that this is kind of a cheap ripoff but with like more creative kills I didn’t think the creative kill. I didn’t think the kills in this were particularly creative.

I felt like it was fairly Commonplace as far as these types of movies go. Yeah, I just wish the the only thing you know and and God, I don’t know. I wrote down so many lines, like, They can only be killed by blowing their heads off. How do you 

Todd: know that? I don’t know. But, he goes outside, onto the ledge, with a shotgun, and we get I don’t know, 8, 10, maybe 12 close up shots of zombies heads exploding.

Craig: This happens multiple times. That’s another thing that bothers me is that sometimes, usually, the women are being attacked by zombies and the men will just come in and bash their heads in and they’re dead and they’re fine. Like, it’s like, oh, well. Like, just bash their heads in, it’s not that big a deal.

But I, I, I guess it’s just when they’re overpowered by a lot of them. I don’t know. Or one. Yeah, uh, Mustache’s girlfriend gets grabbed by a zombie through a window and her face gets all cut up. And they do like these practical effects that you see in these Italian, uh, Zombie movies all the time. You know, there are practical effects, and I love practical effects, but they weren’t particularly good.

These are 

Todd: not particularly good in this film. Not at all. I mean, even the close up, the skin looks like clay. It looks cheap. I mean, I applaud them for throwing some gore in and doing something and doing things in close up and trying to make it gross. Most of it just looks really cheap and third tier.

Craig: Yeah, I agree. And that’s in part due to the time and their resources, but I’ve seen better. I know it can be better. Every Fulci 

Todd: movie, I would say, has better effects than this. 

Craig: Yeah. So Mama protects Michael from a zombie and cuts off his head. And somebody says, Good work, everyone. Now let’s get out of here.

Like, these are the lines! But that leads up to the point where for some reason, Mama and Michael are in a room by themselves, like on a settee. Yes. And, uh, And he makes out with her. There’s no other way to put it. Like, I’m okay with the parent kissing their child on the lips. Here’s going to be something controversial.

Alan thinks it’s weird. I kiss my parents on the lips. Uh, I do too. 


Craig: do too. 

Todd: I kiss my dad goodbye. Just a 

Craig: quick, just a quick, Yeah, just a quick peck on the lips. It’s not like we’re making out, like, I love you. I just gave a quick kiss on the lips. Not a problem, but he like, that’s how it starts. But then he starts making out with her and feeling her up.

He exposes her breasts. Yeah. Which she seems to be perfectly fine with until he starts to go up her. 

Todd: And then she’s like, uh, maybe not. I sort of feel like she’s cool with it until he starts talking. 

Clip: Oh mama, I love you so much. I need to feel you near me. I need to touch you. When I was a baby, you always used to hold me to your breast.

I loved your breasts so much, mama. 

Craig: It’s so gross. I need to feel you near me. I need to touch you. Oh man, 

Todd: it was disgusting. And it’s out of left field. I mean, like I said, They seemed a little weird early on, but I was, I was kind of willing to shock that up to just bad acting and bad staging or stupid lines.

But this, yeah, no, this lays it straight out there. They’ve got a special relationship. Or do they? Maybe he I don’t think they do, I just think he’s a freak. He’s weird and he’s just taking this very seriously. Inopportune moment. 

Craig: Because she slaps him. 

Todd: Yeah. 

Craig: Like, ew, no. And she slaps him and he runs away. And then he finds the zombified, one of our characters that we’ve known, who’s gotten killed and is now a zombie.

Leslie. He finds, yeah, Leslie. And, uh, I think that was, uh, Mustache’s girlfriend. Yeah. And. She’s the one who got pulled through the window. Yeah. God. And, like, then. Mark, the young comb over guy, says, Let them come in. That’s right. Maybe they want something in the house, uh, that’s not us. And he’s, and they’re slow anyway.

Oh God. So then, so they, they don’t let them in. They just stand there in front of the door while the zombies batter their way in. And then as soon as the zombies get in, they run away. Yep. And then Mama finds Zombie Leslie eating Michael. Yeah. She kills Leslie by beating her head against the bathtub, and then Leslie bleeds a combination of blood and toothpaste.

I didn’t understand 

Clip: what 

Craig: that 

Clip: was 

Todd: all about. I don’t know what that was supposed to be. I thought it was like oatmeal. I wasn’t sure. She goes back to cry over Michael, holding him close to her breast, just like he asked for. And the camera does this weird thing where it like pans up to Leslie for good measure, like twice, like the same panning thing, the same shot twice.

Oh my God. 

Craig: I just, I feel like there was no script for this movie. They just did things like, because at this point, like they, the, the zombies get in, but the people who are still alive get out and they run to. A monastery. Um, but all the monks are zombies. Like, 

Clip: what, what, 

Craig: what? And so then they’re in this monastery and then they run away from the monastery and then they’re in this weird.

Set which I read has been is just a set that has been used in lots of horror movies And and they’re confronted by the monk zombies and then the Michael zombie shows up this This is the only reason that this movie is notable. Yeah, I think yes And it’s not even worthy of being, it’s dumb. Like this isn’t even a good reason for a movie to be notable.

Michael shows up as a zombie and his mom is like, Oh, Michael, you’ve returned to me. And the zombie walks up to her and like pulls her shirt down. And she’s like, 

Clip: Oh yes darling, just like when you were a baby. Go ahead darling. I know you want to. You used to love it so. 

Craig: And then he eats her boob. That’s the only, that’s the only interesting part of it.

Incestuous Michael and like boob eating zombie Michael is the only interesting thing about this movie. 

Todd: Oh my god, but what a gem it is. I mean, mom’s attitude totally changed.

Go ahead, darling. I know you want to, you still love it so. 

Craig: Oh. Well, and then he starts eating it and she freaks out. Yeah, well, cause he bites it off. Showed him. Gross. And then he’s, yeah. Well, that’s it. Like, most of them, most of them get killed. They’re still just Mark and Janet, I think. And then all of the other characters that we’ve known throughout the movie show up as zombies.

Yeah. And they’re just all, they’re just all converging on Mark and Janet. And it’s obvious that Mark and Janet are going to die too. Yeah. And then some text. That’s like, I don’t know. I didn’t write it down because I was mad. I was so done with this movie. Did you write it down? I didn’t write it down. It was just some prophecy.

Some prophecy like, the dead will walk the earth and blah blah blah. 

Todd: Half the words are misspelled. It’s really kind of funny. That shot though was cool though. That final shot where they freeze framed it with all the hands coming over the girl. Yeah. That might have been the best shot in the movie. It was fine.

Probably because it was the last one. 

Craig: I, I, I read the trip, like, uh, whatever it says about the dead, you know, coming to life or whatever. It says prophecy of the black spider. I read that the black spider was actually a real prophet who very accurately predicted many things, um, like the bombing of the twin towers and many, many other things.

But this was not. One of his prophecies at all. They just made it up, man. No, bro. Look, I know I went in, I went in wanting to like it because I had read, Oh my God, it’s so bad. It’s good. And. I didn’t. And I I really kept trying to put myself like Put yourself in the headspace where you will enjoy this just just enjoy it for being silly and stupid and and I just couldn’t I I I just couldn’t I was I, I was looking at the timestamp every two minutes.

I was counting down by the minute for the last 20 minutes. I was like, Oh my God, there’s still 15 minutes left. Are you kidding me? I couldn’t put myself in the right headspace. I do think that if you just muted it, And put it on in the background, it would be nice ambiance, but beyond 

Todd: that Well, because there’s probably no more zombie movie out there that has more shots of zombies than this one.

I mean, this one is so Every other shot is a shot of a zombie, I think. But they don’t look good. No, they don’t look good. I’m just saying, quantity wise. You know, it’s good background stuff for Halloween, you know, like I said, the movie that’s playing in the background on television and another horror movie is this one right here.

Cause this is zombie, zombie, zombie, zombie, zombie. Uh, I don’t know, man, I felt that it was so bad. It’s good. That didn’t mean that it didn’t get boring in parts, but if you were watching this with friends, you would have a riot and you’d have plenty of time to get up and go to the bathroom or. You know, go to the kitchen and get more drinks.

Yeah, you’re not going to miss anything. Or just, uh, you know, hold a parallel conversation. You know, without missing anything. But, uh, with it playing, I mean, I would, I would have had a ball with this. If, I think you and I probably would have had a ball with this watching it together. Although, once again, a little boring at most of the time.


Craig: I wish I had more to say about it. W would I recommend this movie? N no, not really. Like, 

Todd: no, it’s kind of hard for me to recommend too. 

Craig: I, if you’re into those Italian movies, I, I mean, I get it. I get that it is part of a genre that people really enjoy. Well, it’s just not. A genre that I particularly enjoy.

So I don’t feel like my opinion on it should influence people. If this is stuff you like, you and I have different tastes. Yeah. You like this kind of stuff. Usually now the fact that you’re saying maybe this isn’t great. You usually like this type of stuff. I usually don’t so Don’t take my if you’re gonna take anybody’s word for it take yours because You’re more into this stuff.

It’s it’s just not my cup of tea. 

Todd: Yeah, I mean, what can I say? Uh, I I do feel like you would like this movie if you like these kind of movies But it’s not the best of these kind of movies by far It’s not the most exciting of these kind of movies by far. Uh, it’s not even the most adept. It’s just boring.

At a lot of times, and so I, it’s really hard for me to, to recommend it as well, when there’s just so many other great, so bad they’re good, and sometimes just so good they’re good, Italian horror movies out there in the same vein, so. Sure, sure. Yeah, very disappointing considering all the hype it seems to get online.

I don’t know, sometimes, uh, I wonder if, if when we put this up, there’s gonna be vehement Stern messages in the comments. I don’t know. I don’t think many people have seen this movie. Maybe not. Well, you can skip it if you haven’t. Go check out Zombie 2 instead. Yeah. That’s a good alternate. Well, thank you so much for listening to this episode.

If you enjoyed it, please share it with a friend. You can find us online just by searching Two Guys in a Chainsaw podcast. Or going straight to ChainsawHorror. com where you can leave us a message, find us on social media, any one of those places. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a review and let us know what you thought of this podcast as well as any other articles.

Um, as long as your review is going to be good. And if it’s not, uh, yeah, keep your opinions to yourself. Keep to yourself! No, seriously, we appreciate any and all feedback, as well as the support of our patrons. Go to patreon. com slash chainsawpodcast and, uh, consider five bucks a month, you will get our complete unedited phone calls.

And let me tell ya, This one would be a doozy if, uh, if you are at all interested in our personal lives, and I don’t know why you would be, but some people are. Finer unedited phone calls, uh, mini sodes that we put out there for our patrons, mini reviews, uh, lots of actually little good, little interesting things we have going on behind the scenes.

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2 Responses

  1. David says:

    All hail Peter Bark!! Its good that you dig deep into spaghetti land. Will we hear a review of the epic ”drama” of Joe D’amato ” beyond the darkness” (1979) ?

    • Todd says:

      Totally! I can’t wait to drag Craig through that muck of blood and guts and poorly-dubbed actors, hehe – Todd

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