Once Bitten (1985)

Episode 192, 2 Guys and a Chainsaw Horror Movie Review Podcast

Todd:  Hello and welcome to another episode of Two Guys and the Chainsaw. I’m Todd.

Craig:  And I’m Craig.

Todd:  Alright. Thank you guys so much for all of your Halloween movie requests. It’s really helped us this year. This time, we’re gonna try, a request from 1 of our loyal listeners, Neil. He asked us for a horror comedy. More of a comedy than a horror, but we thought it would be a lot of fun to do anyway. Craig has some very special ties to this movie. It’s called Once Bitten from 1985.  I know that, Neil posted this on our Facebook page. Craig, you immediately went, pretty much apeshit over it. So you have more of a history than I do with this. I remember seeing the posters everywhere, but, I know in 1985, I was a little too young for my parents to allow me to see a film with a poster such as this. It’s a sex comedy. It’s basically a high school sex comedy, with a small horror, wrapping around it. Yeah. How about you? When did you first see this movie? This was my first time.

Craig:  Oh, gosh. I can’t believe you’ve never seen this.

Todd:  Yeah. It’s crazy.

Craig:  I I don’t know when the first time I saw it was, but I know I was young and my sister and I used to watch this movie all the time. I I’ve talked about my sister a lot and and she’s, guest hosted with us before and she’s really not a fan of horror. But she loved this movie and she was probably the primary reason that we watched it so often. We watch this movie all the time. You know, if you look for it on IMDB or on Rotten Tomatoes or or wherever, they listed as a comedy horror fantasy is a stretch, really. I mean, you’re right. It is more like a sex comedy. It’s it’s more like, oh, like a John Hughes sex comedy kinda thing really.  But it’s funny, when it was recommended, I thought, oh man, that sounds like a lot of fun. But I thought that we had our lineup all set up already, and then it it turned out we had 1 slot left, and you said let’s do it. And I was really excited to do it, but I warned you going in. I’m like, Todd, it’s really stupid. Yes. It’s a really stupid movie, but it’s but it’s a lot of fun. And so I probably hadn’t seen it in 15 years at least, if not more. And I, you know, I remembered the plot and I remembered key moments,

Clip:  but

Craig:  I didn’t remember it that well. And I frankly didn’t have really high expectations going back in. But when I sat down to watch it yesterday, I I started watching it and I got into it and I’m like, you know what? This is stupid, but I still really like it. Like, it’s funny. It’s funny and cute and charming, and there’s some really good stuff going on here. I don’t know. What’d you think?

Todd:  Well, it’s, I have to say what I liked most about it was I knew about this movie forever. Never did watch it. And now, having watched it, it’s like, oh, cool. I finally get to watch a movie that as a young kid I really wanted to see, but didn’t or couldn’t. And it’s like being a young kid in the eighties because this movie and we’ve talked about this before, like, oh, this movie is a time capsule. No. This movie is a freaking time capsule. Yeah.  I don’t think That’s funny. We have ever reviewed a movie that is so dripping with 19 eighties frame by frame as this movie is. The hairstyles, the clothing, the locations, everything about it. It’s a 100 percent eighties. It’s pinks and neons and purples and whites everywhere and, like, pink shirts and white sports jackets over them. I mean, this whole movie I don’t know if I’ve seen a movie more 19 eighties than this 1. I mean, seriously, this move that was the thing that kept me that kept me propelled through this whole thing. I was like, this certainly, this is gonna drop off at some point.  And it and it totally didn’t. And then, you know, it even goes to, like, this kind of humor that we were into at the time. Of course, these sex comedies were really popular at the time. And then, even got a little cringey at moments. And I was like, yep. Yeah. That’s how we kinda were back then. Right? So Yeah.  There’s some things in this movie that are very well, many okay. So the movie is extremely dated. Oh, a 100%. But then there are some things in this movie that are really dated and really would not, you’d never see again. Own

Craig:  no. Yeah. And I know what you’re talking about, some of the specific things. And and, you know, we’ll get to it in talking about the plot. Todd, honestly, you know, I don’t know if it’s just because I am a kid of the eighties or what. Like, even the cringey stuff, like, I was just I was laughing hysterically. Like, I shouldn’t be laughing at this. Like, it’s not okay to laugh about this stuff anymore.  Like, Oh no, that’s, that’s not funny. You shouldn’t do that. No, it’s still hilarious. I’m sorry.

Todd:  You don’t care.

Craig:  I’m just gonna put my PC bullshit aside and No way. It’s really funny. Even the cringey stuff, like, because the characters and that’s another thing that I like about this movie. Like, the characters are so likable and it’s not mean spirited in any way, I didn’t think. Like even in those non PC moments, I didn’t feel like it was mean spirited. It was just, it was a different time and comedy was different then. And yes, I’m, you know, in many ways I’m glad that we’ve gotten a little bit more politically correct and that we don’t poke fun at certain things the way that people used Todd, but even back in the day what made some of those things offensive was because they were mean spirited, they were hateful. And this movie isn’t hateful.  It’s just goofy and playful and I don’t know. I enjoyed it.

Todd:  Well, and all of that aside, all of that stuff we’re talking about here aside, it’s pretty dumb. Like, the humor in here gets really, really dumb. And when I say dated, I don’t just mean, like, non PC stuff, but some of the humor is like, oh, Todd. I’ve heard that joke like a 1000 times before and it’s not like it originated with this movie either. It’s funny because I went back and I went to, look at some contemporary reviews of this movie And I found the Washington Post, a woman named Rita Kempley, in November 15, 1985 reviewed this movie. She was not kind to it in 1985. And I, actually, I don’t think most people were. I think the movie did quite well, among audiences.  But among critics, they just thought it was it was terrible. Yeah. What this woman said so there’s there’s a line in this movie that a guy does. 1 of the ongoing gags is that, the vampire, who’s a woman, who kind of this film centers around, has a butler assistant who is a man and he’s flamboyantly gay. And Yeah. He’s actually played by Cleven Little, who we know from Blazing Saddles. Right? He was the lead of Blazing Saddles. But he’s got so many groaner 1 liners, and he’s so over the top with his performance that you just can’t help but laugh.  1 of the jokes is that every time she summons him, he happens to be in her closet. Like, with like, he’s trying on different elements of her clothing, like, every time he comes out, he’s got something different of hers on. The first time this happens, she says

Clip:  Okay, Sebastian. Out of the closet.

Todd:  I came out of the closet centuries ago. Which is so stupid and she points this out in her, in her review as 1 of the movies many dated Inmanities. And in parenthesis, she writes, the writers still think what’s your sign is a good joke. Now, okay, let let me just point out that even in 1985, a lot of the humor in this movie was considered dated. That’s how Fair enough. Dated the movie is. But you’re right. It has a certain charm to it, and you can still laugh at it even if you’re groaning at the same time.

Craig:  Yeah. It it got you know, I as a gay man, I am not offended by that portrayal. You know, there’s It’s too

Todd:  stupid to be offensive, really. I mean, it’s just too dumb.

Craig:  Well, it is and it’s super over the Todd, but we gays are fans of the flare, you know? Like, there are gays, there are gays. There are gays

Todd:  Do go on.

Craig:  Out there.

Todd:  You know, like Tell me more about the gays, Craig.

Clip:  He

Craig:  like he likes trying on her fancy clothes. I get it. I mean, that’s not my kink, but, you know, whatever. Good for him. And he is who he is. He’s not ashamed of it, and he’s her friend. And the countess, this woman that we’re talking about is Lauren Hutton for Pete’s sake.

Todd:  Craig. Right?

Craig:  My Todd. Lauren Hutton is a superstar, you know, in her own right, and she looks fantastic in this movie, and, you know, I totally bought their fag and hag relationship. Like, it was it was cute. I thought it was cute. I wasn’t offended at all. Anyway

Todd:  Before we move on, I have to point out another, line from this woman’s review that said, Hutton, whose emotive range is second only to Ali MacGraw’s, is hardly an 18 year old’s dream come true. Her, quote, big lusciousmagombas

Craig:  Did you wanna dress her slowly? Like like, first, bearing her big lusciousmagombas?

Todd:  As they are affectionately called, are hardly Magoomba like.

Craig:  Okay. Fine. Fair enough. She doesn’t have a huge rack. That’s fine. But, I was talking to my partner last night and I’m like, she is smoking hot in this movie.

Todd:  Yeah. She really is.

Craig:  Like, I have no idea how old she was. I would guess forties, maybe? But she looks amazing. Like, her body is just banging. Yeah, you can see her age a little bit in her face, but not an 18 year old guy’s fantasy lies. Yeah. That’s a straight up lie. Like, any, any hot blooded American young man would be True. Trying I’m not trying to get too graphic here, but would would be excited by this woman’s body.  She’s a she’s just gorgeous.

Todd:  They’d wanna Yeah. Those big luscious magoombas. Those small small magoombas. Whatever. Yeah. No. And then of Karen Karen Coppins. Right? Isn’t this? And she wasn’t huge.  She had some parts in some movies just a very short span of time in the eighties. She did a bit And

Craig:  she did a lot of TV.

Todd:  Yeah. Quite a bit of TV. A lot of just 1 1 off parts on TV. Did a little bit on, Dallas for a little while.

Craig:  Not She was in true Beverly Hills.

Todd:  Yeah. That’s right. Yeah.

Craig:  And and it was funny because I read that, when they screened this for test audiences, the test audiences liked her so much that they decided to really quick redesign the, posters, and the box art to include her in it. She initially wasn’t in that advertising stuff, but audiences liked her so much in this that they decided to put her in. And she is, she’s very good. She’s charming, she’s, she’s a little bit too sweet in some ways, like, gosh, I mean we’re getting ahead of ourselves, but basically her boyfriend played by Jim Frickin’ Carey,

Todd:  Jim Carey.

Craig:  In his first big movie role, basically cheats on her and she gets like mad, but, like, not super mad, and then she forgives him way too easily. So she’s she’s a little dewy eyed and naive, but, she’s cute. It’s a good ensemble. There’s just a lot going for it. It’s it’s a cute fun movie.

Todd:  Yeah. That’s true. It’s really cool to see the super freaking young Jim Carrey. I mean, who’s what? In his early twenties here?

Craig:  Oh, yeah. Oh, he looks like a baby.

Todd:  Playing a teenager and, and doing a pretty good job of it actually. I mean, he was quite good in this film, I thought.

Craig:  Yeah. Jim Carrey is not my favorite actor, but the thing that bothers me about Jim Carrey is when he’s so frantic. You know, like the whole Ace Ventura thing, like, it it’s just too much for me, like calm down, like take a Ritalin and and go sit in a corner or something. But when when he does more serious roles or more subdued roles, I think he actually is quite a good actor.

Todd:  He is. That mean The Truman Show. Fantastic.

Craig:  Yeah. The Truman great. Fantastic. And there’s a little bit of Jim Carey over the top stuff here, a little bit. But it’s not so much that it bothered me. He’s just kind of and maybe it has something to do with his age. You know, he’s supposed to be a teenage boy. Teenage boys are goofy and awkward and stupid, so it works here for me.  But, yeah, I mean, Todd, talk about time capsule. Gosh, you know, he’s a huge superstar and here he is, you know, in his first big role and Yeah. I I knew him when.

Todd:  My first introduction to Jim Carrey was in living color. He was he was a bit of a different guy by the time that came around, but not much older than this, quite honestly. Yeah. I didn’t get to I didn’t get to see him in once bitten until recently, but it was it was nice. It was fun to see this guy, and I was just maybe every time he was on the screen, I was just marveling at how fresh faced he was. It was just crazy. It the movie starts out with, just kind of establishing the fact that there’s this woman who lives in this mansion above the Hollywood Hills. And, that is the woman played by Lauren Hutton, and she is just referred to as countess.

Craig:  I just wanted to say that it opens up with that shot of the huge mansion and this score. I love the music in this movie throughout, but the just even the original score that plays when we’re introduced to this mansion and you see Sebastian, the gay butler, walking around being super gay. And it’s all set against this great score. And the music throughout is so good. But but, yes, you’re right. This is when we’re introduced to the countess.

Todd:  It’s good if you like eighties pop rock. I mean, that’s

Craig:  Thin. Yeah.

Todd:  Yeah. That’s I mean, and I do.

Craig:  I do.

Todd:  So, I mean, again, that’s how this movie is such a time capsule. And there’s some there’s some songs that were clearly written for this film. You know, I expected Great White’s Once Bitten Twice Shy to be somewhere in here. But, no. It’s a totally different Once Bitten song that comes up.

Craig:  So And it’s fantastic. Yeah.

Todd:  It sure is.

Craig:  I love it.

Todd:  But, you know, he comes through and he’s he he pours, what looks like a bloody Mary, of course, is, you know, It’s it’s actually blood. And, comes upstairs and the countess is in her coffin. And 1 thing I also love about this again, it’s so eighties, but remember when we thought that people who lived in big mansions who were, like, in these modern homes, Everything was freaking white. Like Yeah. White floors, white ceiling, white walls. Todd was like, very stripped Todd. Uh-huh. Big I mean, it’s just so weird looking back at it.  Like, nobody would want their home like that. But that’s the kind of home that we that we spend a lot of time in, this countess’s mansion. And she lives in her coffin upstairs. And as soon as she opens her coffin, she starts talking about how she needs a virgin male’s blood before Halloween comes, basically. Oh, by the way, happy Halloween everybody. You know, Halloween’s coming up. This is a Halloween movie which is why we’re doing it.

Craig:  It’s very Halloween y and I like that about it. Yeah. But the other thing about okay. So you’re right. So she needs, virgin’s blood. But there are just so many great lines in this movie too. I I Sebastian, I think says, virgin blood isn’t easy to come by these days. And then she says, being a vampire in the 20th century is a nightmare.  And there are so many references to how, like, kids

Todd:  Kids these days.

Craig:  Or young men young men these days aren’t virgins. And she has to drink the blood of a virgin man 3 times before Halloween. And she has, like, this whole troop of vampires that, like, I don’t know, scout for her or whatever. Some of them come in and she talks to them, and 1 of them says,

Clip:  Cool. The closest we’ve come so far is an 11 year old. It’ll be disgusting.  Yeah. She’s so funny.

Todd:  Yeah. And then and then things like that are peppered with these groaners, like, after she’s complaining, he looks at her and goes Did we get up on the wrong side of the coffin this evening?

Craig:  It is a groaner, but coming from him and with that delivery, with that totally flamboyant delivery, it’s it’s so petty and it’s real life. Real okay. I’ll I’ll

Todd:  take your word for that, I guess. But I love how while she’s getting the report from these other vampires, how she’s totally in her make workout get up and on a bike, like, workout Yeah.

Craig:  There’s workout equipment everywhere.

Todd:  Such a thing in the eighties. Jane Fonda’s workout, this whole workout thing, headbands, knee highs. Like, every fad, everything you could possibly think of that was popular or faddish at 1 point in the eighties shows up in this movie at some point. It’s like in the perfect spot for all of that.

Craig:  Mhmm.

Todd:  I absolutely loved it. And so, anyway, so she’s got this thing going on. In the meantime, Jim Carey, whose character’s name is Amarq, is Mhmm. Trying to make out with his girlfriend, Robin, who is played by Karen Coppins, like we said before, in his ice cream truck.

Craig:  Mhmm. And

Todd:  they’re in they’re in the at first, I’m like, it’s like it’s like an oil field.

Craig:  I don’t know what it is. I guess so.

Todd:  There’s, like, an oil I

Craig:  mean, it’s obviously, like, the make out spot.

Todd:  Yeah. It’s the make out. Well, we don’t know that at first. He’s trying to make out with her. And she’s like, oh, I’m just not ready yet. It’s gotta be special. It’s gotta be right and all that. So we know where this is going.  But I thought this scene was so clever. Because after after he’s like, this is clearly not gonna happen, he he glances out the window and he sees this guy totally boning this chick next to him in a convertible with the Todd down. And then I notice again in the background the oil pump going and I’m like, oh, okay.

Clip:  Yeah.

Todd:  This is funny. And then he gets frustrated. He steps out of the car and looks up at the sky. And as he’s looking up at the sky, the camera pans out. Just completely pans out to the sky. He’s looking up like, why? And all of the cars surrounding this ice cream truck are all bouncing.

Craig:  Yeah.

Todd:  And the oil thing is going.

Craig:  It’s That’s the raciest part of the movie. Like, I was actually kinda surprised by how racy it was. Yeah. The first guy that you talked about

Todd:  He’s got a bare ass.

Craig:  Yeah. And and whoever is underneath him is a lucky guy or gal because he’s like Going at him. Like, well, like, he’s like thrusting up and down, like, 2 feet in the air, like, woah.

Todd:  I like the person in the other car whose legs are just straight out the window.

Craig:  Yeah. Like

Todd:  straight out and up and spread. Like there’s nothing between those because all of those legs are completely out of the window. It’s such a stage scene, but it’s so funny. That I actually that was my favorite scene in the entire movie. Was that bit right there.

Craig:  Right. Oil

Todd:  pump going in the background. It’s so low brow. But, yeah. I actually I’m kinda surprised this movie I I don’t know. Like, it’s PG 13. I feel like if it were released Todd, it would be maybe more r with some of this stuff in.

Craig:  Maybe. Just I I think just that scene. Everything else is pretty tame.

Todd:  I don’t know. But toward the end when, you know, they’re strapping him down and spreading his legs and

Craig:  Well, yeah. But there’s no nudity. Like, that’s the other thing. Like, nothing nothing really happens that would warrant an r. They there’s 1 f bomb dropped which is allowed for a PG 13 so long as it’s only 1. It’s this, you know, blatant sexual innuendo that’s going on here that’s the only thing that I would think would even give anybody pause. Other than that, it’s very innocent. Nobody dies in the whole movie

Todd:  Oh, that’s true.

Craig:  Including the vampires. Nobody gets killed. There’s very little blood, and the blood that is there is really just more suggestive than anything. It doesn’t even really look like real blood. It’s really very tame, I would say. But yes, this scene, pretty racy. But then we jump to okay. So Mark, the next day, is talking to his 2 friends, Jamie and Russ, who work at like a burger stand.  And he’s talking about his frustrations or whatever. And Jamie and Russ are like the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. They are so cute. Like they’re just kind of these semi dorky, but also at the same time adorable guys. They’re the way that we envisioned kind of teenage nerds at the time. Not the super stereotypical like suspenders and pocket protectors and horn rimmed glasses, but I don’t know. You know, these skinny, big eyed guys. Russ is, a redhead and Jamie is a brunette.  That’s the only distinguishing thing about them. But I think Jamie says there’s too much pressure about getting laid. It’s like taking a driver’s test for manhood. Like, it’s so funny. And they decide in terribly flawed logic, Mark

Todd:  says Sometimes I think I should just go out, find some strange woman, and get laid, and I could go back to Robin without all this pressure between us.

Craig:  And they’re like, yeah, okay. So they decide to go into Hollywood. I guess they live in the suburbs, but they’re gonna go into Hollywood to try to get laid. And so they do. And this drive, there’s a whole montage of them driving into Hollywood set against the title track, Once Bitten, which again is fantastic. But it is hilarious. Like, there’s a lady shooting a music video, like, rolling around on a car. There’s, like, punk rockers, there’s a fancy dressed lady walking a lion on a leash.  It’s the most ridiculous, stereotypical view of Hollywood. And just these 3 big eyed losers in their ice cream truck driving around looking around. And it oh, Todd. It is so funny.

Todd:  And and there’s a star filter on the camera so that every light that shows up has, like, a sparkle on it as it’s going through. It oh, it’s so eighties. It’s just wonderful. And then they end up at this club, which I would love to go to. It’s the phone a date club. Like, seriously, I think this place is awesome. You go in and you sit at a table, and every table is numbered. And it has a phone on it.  And it’s got once again, everything is eighties. It’s got 1 of those phones that are shaped like

Craig:  lips. Yeah.

Todd:  That’s so great. And you’re supposed to look over at a table, and you could dial them up, and you could talk to them, and then, you know, go over and and chat with them more if they invite you over. What a great freaking concept. I love it.

Craig:  It is pretty hilarious.

Todd:  Yeah. I don’t know. I I kinda wanna I really hope a place like this really existed because, like I said, I would have been there every night. This appeals to Todd in so many ways. It’s just the way I roll. So anyway, enough about me. So they sit down at the table and they’re scoping out chicks. And at the same time, the vampire lackeys, have noticed this ice cream truck going through.  And of course, yeah, they realized all these guys have to be complete virgins. And so, they tracked them to the club and he ends up, Jim Carrey’s character, Mark, ends up meeting up with the countess at the bar. And there’s a bar fight and a bunch of jokes and all that. But they sneak out the back, and he ends up at her house. And at her house, she does a whole seduction routine. And he does the whole typical eighties, virgin thing where it’s like, suddenly he’s there, and he doesn’t even know why he’s there. He wanted it so bad. I love the bit where she leaves for a moment to get something, and he’s looking at this giant portrait on the wall where she’s completely naked.  And he starts touching the breast on the portrait. What is that?

Craig:  What is that? And she catches him doing it. It’s so funny.

Todd:  Oh, Todd.

Craig:  But that yeah. Like and then she seduces him. And listen, I understand that he’s a kid, but like this seduction scene, like she is, I swear to God, so hot. And she’s kissing him a little bit, and then she starts, her thing is she bites the buttons off of his shirt. She’ll bite off a button and then spit it like across the room. And then she does that going all the way down and she goes all the way down, like she goes out of Craig. And you see her messing with his belt and you hear the zipper going down and you see him standing up enough that his pants can come down. But he’s so nervous and he’s just like nervously chattering and, you know, meanwhile, we, the audience are like, oh my Todd, what is going on down there? And listen, not to get too personal, but Oh.  I remember the first time something like that happened. You are super excited, but, like, it’s the first time and you’re, like, hello?

Todd:  What am I supposed to do?

Clip:  Am I supposed to keep talking to you?

Craig:  What’s going on? I

Todd:  still has these questions, Craig. I I’m not even sure what the etiquette is on this. I’ve been married for almost 20 years.

Craig:  Oh, man. But it’s it’s adorable. And then, so, like, she’s down there. You don’t know what’s going on. But then, he just goes, and and then it cuts away.

Todd:  To a dream sequence. Right? Is that his dream sequence?

Craig:  I think the dream sequence is yeah.

Todd:  Oh, okay. I can’t wait to get to it.

Craig:  I Sebastian goes to the vampire dorms because there’s there’s a big room full of, like, bunch of different coffins that are, like, reflective of the time period that these vampires were turned or whatever. And it’s actually very cute. And he tells them all to go to bed, and then as he’s walking out and turns off the light, they’re all, like, good day, Sebastian. Good day, Sebastian.

Todd:  My biggest It’s adorable. My biggest disappointment with this movie is we didn’t get to spend more time with these other vampires. They really had a nice set up there with these different vampires from these different eras. And even in that 2 minute scene, you could tell they all had these very distinct personalities. And then we really don’t see them much again.

Craig:  No. I mean, they’re basically just henchmen. Yeah. They chase people.

Todd:  Well, they’re the previous victims of hers, you know. Yeah. Yeah.

Craig:  It made me wonder why there were girl ones. Like, does she sometimes is she sometimes into girls? I

Todd:  don’t know. Maybe.

Craig:  But some of them are girls. I don’t know. But anyway, she she talks to Sebastian and he’s like, did you get the transfusion? And she says, of course, I did. And he’s, like, are you sure he’s a virgin? And she says, I haven’t had anything this pure since the Vienna Boys Choir hit town. I just love these 1 liners. They just keep coming and it kills me. Oh, I thought they were so funny.

Todd:  Funny funny but bad. Come on. It’s how many Vienna Boys choir jokes can we see in a movie?

Craig:  Just 1 and this 1, but it made me laugh.

Todd:  Yeah.

Craig:  But then, she and Sebastian walked back into the living room, and Mark is all curled up on the couch with his pants down around his legs. And she wakes him up, and he doesn’t remember anything that happened. And he’s like, well, did we have a good time? And she’s like, oh, yeah or whatever. Like, he thinks they had sex. As it turns out, they didn’t because they can’t because he has to be a virgin.

Todd:  Yeah.

Craig:  That he thinks that they did. And when he goes to leave, she says, I’ll see you again soon. Right? And and he confesses that he has a girlfriend, and she’s like, oh, that’s fine. I’m

Todd:  Yeah. I’ve been the other woman many times. What a great line.

Clip:  And so he gives them

Craig:  each an ice cream bar, and then he leaves, and they throw them over their shoulders.

Todd:  He’s such a dork.

Craig:  He’s very funny.

Todd:  Yeah. It’s great. He’s endearing in that way. Right? So And then Yeah.

Craig:  He’s cute. He’s cute in this movie. He’s very cute.

Todd:  And then it just kinda becomes a lot of, you know, he’s bragging to his buddies about it. And then the his girlfriend overhears, and they have a whole conversation. And and she’s way too forgiving of this. And I love I love her what is her line? It’s, something and I’m gonna put the clip They

Craig:  all saw you bite her butt they all saw her bite your buttons. She’s because he’s trying to tell the story and he’s like, I don’t know. There was this it was the countess, and then she had this chauffeur, but he was also the butler. And she’s like, so they all saw her bite your buttons? Like, she’s very upset about this biting the buttons thing.

Clip:  I can’t believe you’re willing to throw away our relationship on a 1 night stand with a chauffeur and a butler and a slut who eats buttons.

Craig:  But she is far too forgiving. I mean, that’s I think that Ted’s kind of, you know, it’s a light hearted comedy, so we don’t need, you know, serious drama. But they both handle this so lightheartedly. He’s like, well, I’m a teenage guy. That’s what we do. You know, we do stupid things. And then you get mad, but you forgive me. And and and she is mad, but, like, not mad enough.

Todd:  Oh, yeah.

Craig:  And and she’s like, I really do wanna do it. I just wanna make sure it’s the right time. It’s it’s silly.

Todd:  Manding.

Craig:  So they break up for a second, and then there’s, you know, there’s goofy stuff where, like, he’s, I guess, kind of changing, like, he’s wearing sunglasses, and there’s a gag where he’s, like, dissecting a frog in a class, and it turns out he’s not even in that class, and he’s sleeping in the trunk at the foot of his bed, and his parents are concerned.

Todd:  He’s eating raw meat, and he’s, like, drinking a cup of blood that his mother poured off of the raw meat before she cooked it, you know, by mistake. And the parents are looking at it agape. I mean, it’s, it’s it’s really stupid. But it’s it’s fun, I guess.

Craig:  Yeah. I mean, it’s it’s a light teen comedy. Mhmm. And and then there are these dream sequences, like,

Todd:  the first there are

Craig:  2 of them. In the first 1 0, and the dream sequences are so low budget, and I I feel like they did it on purpose. Like, I feel like they made the dream sequences super low budget on purpose. But, like, it’s just like a fog machine and, like, a blank set. And then the first 1, like, Sebastian is playing the accordion, and I’m pretty sure he was on roller skates because he just keeps, like, gliding back and forth behind them. And, you know, like, she plays footsie with them, and then they kiss, but then he sees blood running down her chin after they kiss, and he wakes up and he’s freaked out. And then that’s all that happens before he and Robin make up. Like, they’re like, oh, okay.  Yeah. We’re we’re fine.

Todd:  There’s a nice light hearted bit where he visits her at work.

Craig:  Oh, yeah. Yeah. That’s a good 1.

Todd:  Yeah. I love that bit. Again, total eighties shopping mall, like, clothing store that she works in. Oh, my gosh. And, he goes in and, goofs around. And he’s gonna try on some pants, but they’re black. And she’s like, you’re black. He’s like, yeah.  I’ll go in. And when he goes into the dressing room, the countess is in there and she appears to him. And so there’s all this there’s this funny gag where he’s talking to her, but then his girlfriend thinks he’s talking to her and he’s telling her to get away. And she’s like, fine. I will get away and all this stuff. And, finally, she bites him again, I think in the dressing room. Right? And he falls down and she picks him up. Oh, Todd.  Are you okay? Should we take you to the hospital? Has this ever happened before? And, and walks out. It’s goofy.

Craig:  In talking about it, we can’t do that scene justice. No. I thought that scene was hilarious. Hilarious. And it was so funny with the timing and the fact that, you know, the countess is in the dressing room and Robin is outside, and he’s trying to get the countess to shut up, and Robin thinks he’s talking to her, and oh, Todd. It’s so funny. And, like, the countess is obviously so irritated with Robin, but she does get her bite and then she walks out and she’s talking to Sebastian, and, he asks how it went and she says something about Robin, and she says she’s young, she’s sweet, and she’s pissing me off. And then my favorite thing is, like, the countess’s gag is every time she exits a room, she throws somebody to the ground.

Todd:  She pushes someone over.

Craig:  Just on her way out, she just shoves somebody violently to the ground.

Todd:  It’s always some random bystander. Yeah. Nobody important. And this all leads up to the, the pre Halloween hop. Mind you. Once again, dated for even 1985 Todd call a dance at your school a hop. But anyway, it’s the pre Halloween hop. And they all go and the gag here is that he’s now pretty pale and he’s wearing sunglasses and he’s slick and black and

Clip:  black and black and his

Todd:  hair and it’s black and everything. And everybody’s saying that he’s dressed up in a as a vampire. And he’s like, I’m not even wearing a costume. I didn’t have time for it. And then who else shows up at the dance, but, the countess. And right there on the dance floor, she does the whole tap on the shoulder, butt in. And then we get the crazy awesome dance off sequence.

Craig:  It is amazing. It’s really good. I was dying laughing out loud. Now, like, that is the thing that I remember most about this movie was that there’s this dance number. This choreographed, fully choreographed dance number.

Todd:  It’s good.

Craig:  It’s not bad at all. And surprisingly enough, Jim Carrey is not a bad dancer. No. It’s great. Like, it starts out, like you said, with the countess, like, kind of tapping Robin’s shoulder and getting her out of the way or whatever. And then she’s dancing with him, and she’s got him, like, in her thrall or whatever. And so they dance, but then Robin comes in. And the name of the song is Hands Off.

Clip:  Yeah.

Craig:  It’s a great song. Play it, please. Like, it’s this whole back and forth thing where the 2 women are pulling him back and forth. And when either 1 of them is trying to pull him to them, like, he’s going with both of them, whoever’s pulling at him at the time. Eventually, like, he gets kind of thrown out of the way and the women have kind of like a cat fight dance and, then we have them dance together. It is, and it’s the whole song, the full length of this hands off song, they are doing this choreographed dance. And, oh, it’s fantastic. It’s so good.

Todd:  Yeah. Actually, I have to I have to backtrack what I said earlier about the make out point. I think this was my favorite scene in the movie for sure. It was a good good good dance sequence. As silly as it was, it was really really well done. And, that ends up, you know, it’s the battle for Mark. Robin wins. So it that count just goes off in a And

Craig:  she she tears her clothes off. Yeah. Like she’s dressed in this totally wholesome, like, they were supposed to be Jack and Jill, but he didn’t get his costume. So she’s just Jill alone and like this totally, you know, innocent sweet thing. But in the course of the dance she rips her clothes off and she’s got a skimpy dance leotard on underneath a lacy under skirt or something. It’s Yeah. It is convenient, and it’s it’s great. And then the countess stomps away and throws somebody else to the ground on her way out.  And and she’s mad. Because it’s almost Halloween, and she hasn’t gotten her 3rd drink yet. She has to have the the third 1.

Todd:  Yeah. And it’s apparently gotta be down there by his thigh, which we’re gonna learn about in a second because Research. Yeah. Research time. Mark confides in his girlfriend that he thinks something’s wrong, and he actually says, I think I’ve been bitten by a vampire. And she says, are you crazy? And there’s some moments where his reflection doesn’t appear in the mirror, but then it does again. Anyway, she goes to the local bookseller and just like those research scenes in every movie we’ve seen this, when you ask him about a very specific topic like vampirism and suddenly the guy is the world’s biggest expert on vampires. And he has the worst accent.  What is it? Is it like Oh, yeah. I have no idea. Indian or something?

Craig:  I don’t know.

Todd:  This white guy is doing like an Indian accent. I have no idea. Anyway, what he tells her and he pulls a book off the shelf is, this whole deal about, a vampire female. She’s like, could there be female vampires? And he’s like, oh, yes, there could be. And then he explains that they

Clip:  There there can even be cat and dog vampires.

Craig:  My favorite thing that he says though, she’s like, well, could a would a female vampire could she bite a young man?

Clip:  Like 18?  Oh, I seriously doubt it. You see, the female vampire needs the blood of a virgin, and an 18 year old boy would hardly be a virgin now, would he?

Craig:  Greg raises his hand. Oh, I just thought that was such a funny line.

Todd:  That’s hilarious.

Craig:  Go ahead.

Todd:  No. He pulls a book off the shelf and it has a diagram in there that shows that where she would bite him would be in the in the inner thigh, right near the crotch. Because that would be where a virgin male’s blood is is most concentrated or something, which is pretty funny also. And and so, she goes to his friends and says, can you check for me and see if he has these bite marks on his inner thigh? And they’re like, okay.

Craig:  No. At first, they’re hesitant, but she’s like, I thought he was your friend. If you really cared about him, you would do this. I liked that because it is rooted in their friendship that they agree to do this. And so yeah, after gym or whatever they all go to the showers. And everybody is butt ass naked in this scene. But they do interesting things with the, gosh, I don’t even know how to describe it, but like they shoot from behind stuff so that you, so that all of the good parts are covered up, but just the good parts. You can tell that they’re totally nude.  And it’s just hilarious. It’s so slapstick and funny. Like, they’re kind of trying to be discreet, but they’re totally not discreet trying to check him out.

Todd:  Dropping the soap and bending over to pick it up, but near his legs and all this stuff.

Craig:  Yeah. And and eventually, Russ just grabs him from behind and holds him and kinda picks him up and says, look Jamie, look. And of course, Jamie, who’s the doofiest 1, has all soap in his eyes and can’t see anything, but he still drops down between his legs anyway. And that’s where you get the, you know, the the other guys

Clip:  Back to the shower. Back to the shower. Back to the shower. Back to the shower. Back to the shower. Back to the shower. Back to the shower.

Craig:  And all of the other guys go running out. And, you know, it should be offensive, I guess, I don’t know. You know, I’m sure that I have friends that would find this offensive. I didn’t, I just thought it was hilarious. I thought it was innocent and silly and it was the 80s and it was different. I’m not saying it was better and I’m not saying I wanna go back to that time, but it was a different time and it was really funny. And then the next part is those 2 guys back in their burger joint, and Jamie is chopping onions, like, Craig, like,

Clip:  it’s the worst thing that could have ever happened to us. Everybody thinks we’re homeless.

Todd:  That’s right. And then there’s a little bit of self doubt there Todd because as Jim Carrey comes in, he basically says to them, You know guys, if you wanted to know, you just could’ve asked. And then he looks

Clip:  And JB goes, Oh my Todd.  She told us to look!  I knew it. I knew it. We enjoyed it. Kimmy, would you shut up to show? No. No. That’s it. We’re homos. We’re rump rangers.  No.

Craig:  It’s so stupid, though.

Todd:  It’s so funny. Oh, god.

Craig:  It is oh, it’s totally stupid, but really funny. But while they’re while they’re there talking about that, Mark sees Robin get into the countess’s limo with, Sebastian, and she gets driven away. And so they all the 3 boys all head off, to the mansion, which really leads to the final showdown.

Todd:  Yeah. They break into the mansion, and they go exploring trying to find her. They find her tied up to a chair. They release her from the chair and Tied

Craig:  up with her legs crossed?

Todd:  Yeah.

Craig:  Wasn’t that so funny? Didn’t you think that was hilarious?

Todd:  I didn’t quite catch that part.

Craig:  They, like, they like, her legs are crossed, you know, like, knee over knee, and that’s how they Todd her up.

Todd:  I know. That was really funny. Anyway I guess so. Yeah. Yeah. You’re right. And then they and then they they they catch them all. And, this is the final scene, is she’s going to get her 3rd drink in and they’re gonna make a big ritual out of it.  Now, all the other vampires are in tuxedos and they’re in this fancy room and they’re surrounded by candles and torches and they have this dastardly looking chair.

Craig:  Stirrup.

Todd:  Stirrup, basically, that, she straps him down to to spread his legs so that she can yank his pants down and start to bite. And at that moment, Robin breaks free and runs forward and puts a halt to it and picks up, well, at first, she’s holding out a Craig. And they’re, like, sorry. This doesn’t work in real life. It’s only in the movies.

Craig:  I’m an atheist.

Todd:  But then they 1 of them picks up a torch, and they they this little fire on the end of this torch is enough to, to fend these vampires off enough for them to escape. And I’m thinking, man, if this little bit, which amounts to, like, a large candle on the end of a stick, is enough to get these, vampires freaking out, Why did they surround their entire room with these things during

Craig:  Right.

Todd:  How did they even light those things, really?

Craig:  There are little funny things here that I totally didn’t even understand when I was a kid. Like, Russ pokes the 1 of those torches at Sebastian and says, how would you like me to set your pubic hair on fire or something like that? And Sebastian goes, oh, rough trade. I don’t know if you know what that means, but our gay friends will. Alright. That’s

Todd:  a little inside joke for some of our listeners. No. Right.

Craig:  And and I love it when they start to run away. Like, Mark is kind of in, the countess’s thrall. Like, she kind of has him, you know, hypnotized or whatever. But Robin gets him away and she says

Clip:  Mark doesn’t want you because you’re mean and evil. He wants me because I’m nice and sweet and pure.  So fuck off.

Todd:  It’s good. It’s good.

Clip:  It’s so funny.

Todd:  It’s also stupid. Come on, Craig. This is all really dumb.

Craig:  Well, fine. I don’t care. I don’t care if it is dumb. I was cracking up. I thought it was hilarious.

Todd:  I just gotta put that

Craig:  I mean, think about all those other eighties movies that we watched. They’re all sweet. No. The non horror you know, like 16 candles and

Todd:  It was bad too. Yeah.

Craig:  You know, the the they were the humor was goofy and silly, but it doesn’t make it not funny. It was still hilarious. There’s the chase scene all around the mansion with the different vampires jumping out and hissing at them and scaring them and

Todd:  It gets very thriller here because the vampires are coming at the very improbably, like, by breaking through,

Clip:  like, the

Todd:  brick walls and coming up through concrete floors and Todd. Right.

Clip:  Right.

Todd:  Right. Yeah. But it’s it’s it’s interesting.

Craig:  Russ and Jamie finally get lucky with a couple of the female vampires.

Todd:  What are they thinking?

Craig:  They’re they’re probably not very much. There’s not probably not a lot of blood going to their brain at that moment. But they so it it’s a long chase scene. It I I didn’t find I mean, it goes on for a long time. I didn’t find it boring, but it goes on for quite a long time. And it ends up back in the vampire dorm. The count’s like, we’ve been all around. Where could they be? And then they noticed that the coffin, the deluxe coffin that was meant for Mark once he had been changed is rocking.  And she opens it up and Robin sits up and goes, you’re too late. And she goes, you couldn’t have. You you’ve been in there for less than a minute. And then Mark pops up smoking a cigarette, and the account just goes, you could’ve, but you didn’t have time to enjoy it. So funny. And then the clock strikes midnight, and the count just trans forms and, she with bad, you know, lighting special effects, but whatever. Yeah. And, she she turns into, like, an old dowager woman who seems, you know, kinda confused and

Clip:  I’ll never find another virgin. Never.

Todd:  And he’s like, that’s okay. There are plenty of places like Kansas and Iowa. They really are in the wrong part of the country for this for sure.

Craig:  Yeah.

Todd:  That’s the joke. And,

Craig:  everybody all the other vampires leave and Mark’s like, you know, she probably has a point. It’d probably be better if we could go slower. And so they just laid back down in the coffin and closed the lid and that’s the end of the movie.

Todd:  Oh boy.

Craig:  I really Todd, I honest to God expected to think that it was really stupid. I remembered liking it a lot when I was a kid, but I thought, I know, you know, even thinking back as much as I liked it, I know it’s dumb. And it is dumb, but I still, I wasn’t bored for a second. I was laughing out loud at certain points. It’s in absolutely no way scary in any way. It’s it’s a comedy, but but it’s funny. And you and I love eighties movies. And this is just about as eighties as you can possibly get.  There’s nothing 80s. I I had a blast. I had a blast watching it. I thought it was a lot of fun. And it was really Halloween y. It, you know, it it felt like a real Halloween movie, and I loved that.

Todd:  Yeah. It was good. It was a real Halloween movie. You and I love eighties stuff, and this is definitely the most eighties movie we’ve ever seen. I don’t know how you’re gonna get more eighties than this 1, quite honestly. Got an all star cast, competently made, not competently written in my opinion. I mean, I’m gonna have to, you know, just I I understand. It’s just not my cup of tea.  This kinda humor is too goofball, too sophomoric, and too dated for me to really do anything more than groan at. But I can appreciate that, you know, maybe at the time or, you know, 10 years before this came out, people would have really thought this stuff was was laugh out loud funny. Or apparently, Craig feels that this is laugh out loud funny.

Craig:  Oh, god. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Sophomore comedy, bring it.

Todd:  Okay.

Craig:  I’m ready. Yeah. You know, reading the trivia about it, they really, really wanted Michael J Fox for the role of Mark. But at the time, the producers didn’t feel that Michael J Fox could pull off a feature linked film. Joke’s on them. And the part of the countess was written for Cassandra Peterson, Elvira.

Todd:  Yeah. Well, that would’ve been amazing.

Craig:  I love her so much that it would have been a completely different movie. That’s true. And maybe that’s okay. You know, maybe it would have been even better. I don’t know, because she’s hilarious. But I liked Lauren Hutton in the movie. They also offered it to Morgan Fairchild and Kathleen Turner before they offered it to Lauren Hutton. But I like the way that the casting turned out and, you know, it, I guess, in some way, kick started Jim Carrey’s career to some degree.

Todd:  Yeah. For sure. He’s good in this. He’s got a solid performance.

Craig:  Yeah. Yeah. It’s certainly not gonna be for everybody. And and fans of the show, if you are hardcore horror fans, this is not the movie that you’re looking for. No. This is a comedy. Yeah. And it’s a silly goofball comedy.  But if you’re into that, I think it’s fun and it’s worth checking out.

Todd:  Well, we had to do it because it’s Halloween. And also, Neil requested it and Craig really, really wanted to do it. So thank you so much, Neil, for your request, and happy soon to be Halloween, everybody. And we thank you so much for the request you’ve been sending our way and suggestions for Halloween movies. We’re creating a list so that next Halloween, we’ll be able to put some of your requests on there. And maybe some of them we’ll get to a little sooner. We’ll see.

Clip:  Thank you

Todd:  for listening. If you enjoyed this podcast, please share it with a friend. Look us up online, 2 guys and a chainsaw, also at 2 guys dot redfortynedot com. Until next time. I’m Todd

Craig:  And I’m Craig.

Todd:  With 2 Guys and a Chainsaw.