House 2: The Second Story (1987)

Episode 115, 2 Guys and a Chainsaw Horror Movie Review Podcast

Todd:  Hello, and welcome to another episode of Two Guys and a Chainsaw. I’m Todd.

Craig:  And I’m Craig.

Craig: This month, the month of February, we have decided to do sequels. Now last month, Todd said that, the sequels that we wanted to do should be sequels that, in some way, you know, break the mold or or go out there. This week’s movie was my choice, and I chose House 2. And I don’t know if it necessarily really meets Todd’s requirement

Todd:  Oh, it totally does. Or something. No. It totally does. Totally.

Craig:  Okay. Alright. My justification is that really the movie is is only a sequel in title. It really aside from also being about

Todd:  a quote,

Craig:  unquote, haunted house, It really doesn’t have anything to do with the first movie.

Todd:  There is indeed a house in this film.

Craig:  There is a really big cool one. I really like it.

Todd:  Yeah.

Craig:  But, yeah, it doesn’t I mean, there’s no mention of the characters from the previous movie or anything like that. In fact, in the States, I think that there were 4 house movies and none of them had anything to do with the others. Yeah. They were all really kinda stand alone, and I I think that just capitalizing on the apparently, the first one was more successful than I realized. Apparently, the first one was successful enough, that people did wanna capitalize on the name. And I guess in Italy, there were, like, 6, or more house movies.

Todd:  Which were kind of rebranded. I think they were, like, movies that maybe came out under alternate titles, but in Italy then they just called them house. Again, like you said, to take off of the the apparent success of house.

Craig:  Maybe house would

Todd:  be in Italy. Maybe the first one was huge.

Craig:  Well, I like the first one. You know, it’s it’s just kind of a fun campy movie.

Todd:  It is.

Craig:  And and I I told Todd before we started recording that I’m was a little bit nervous to talk about this one because I remember as a kid loving this movie. And and I I think they must have played it on HBO or or maybe even on just standard network cable, but I remember it playing a lot, and I watched it a lot. But I it it had been a long time since I had seen it. And I sat down to watch it yesterday, and I was watching it, and I’m like, oh, man. This is really hokey. That being said that being said, I still really like it, but those of you all 3 of you who listen who may be, you know kind of hardcore horror fans, it’s almost a stretch to call this a horror movie. It’s it’s it’s really more of a comedy. As I was watching it, as hokey as it is, I think that I remember that the reason that I liked it is because it’s actually a really kinda sweet movie.  It’s it’s kinda cute and sweet and, I like it.

Todd:  You’re right. No. This this movie relief okay. So I also have fond memories of this movie because I didn’t watch it on t and I’ve only seen this movie once before, and this would have been, like, in 1988 or 1989, like, seriously, like like, after it came out on video. But, you know, my dad, unlike your dad, my dad has never been a big horror movie fan. And when we would go to the video store, occasionally, he would indulge me. And he’d be like, okay. We’ll pick out a horror movie, and I’ll watch it with you.  And he usually had to find something that he could agree with. You know? Uh-huh. And and then also he would deem wouldn’t be too gross or gory or explicit for me. And he picked this movie and we watched it together. And so, like, I really remember watching this movie with my dad and both of us really enjoying it, like, being pleasantly surprised. And this would be, without a doubt, the first quote unquote horror comedy I ever saw. So this was the first time that it ever occurred to me that you could mix these two genres, you know, that you could have a movie that’s alternately scary and funny at the same time. Now, looking at this as an adult, to call this movie scary is a bit of a stretch.  Yeah. But it really has the same flavor and same feel as some other movies what we’ve talked about here before, such as The Gate, Goonies, Monster Squad. It seems like the movie that’s written more with a family in mind than the hardcore teenage horror audience. In fact, this movie is PG 13 and I don’t even know why it’s not PG.

Craig:  Yeah. I I think it’s because if I remember correctly, they throw in a few f bombs, and that’s the only maybe or or maybe even not. I don’t remember, but it it you’re right. It Todd does seem in the same vein as those movies. So, therefore, it’s no surprise to me that I liked it so much because I love those movies. You know, those the the ones that you mentioned are some of my favorite movies, and and as I was watching this, I was thinking, wow, this really would be a great movie if you were a parent or an uncle or or whatever who wanted to introduce your kid or your you know, a young person, if you wanted to introduce them kind of to the genre but with something that was not really that scary, then this would be a good one to go. Now I I will say that, you know, I was thinking about, oh, I would love to watch this with my niece and nephew, and and my sister is very protective and would never let me, I’m sure. But but, as I was thinking that, I was like, oh, it’s fun and there’s a lot of fun things that they would enjoy.  Now I I will say that the end, like, the big bad guy at the end, is kinda scary. I can imagine children being scared of it, but adults, you know, it’s it’s really not, all that frightening, but it’s fun. There’s there’s cute stuff going on and it’s I don’t know. You know, people who didn’t grow up in the eighties probably would not be particularly impressed with this cast, but, but but for those of us who grew up in the eighties, these people the people who are in this movie are all pretty recognizable. The movie, starts out with just, you know, the title sequence. I really like the music in this movie. I I think that the music is fun and interesting. And so, you know, it opens up with this kinda cool music, and you see this crystal skull, and then there are the titles, and then you see this big awesome house, like, I don’t even know how to describe it.  It’s almost like a castle. It’s like this stone house with, like, you know, towers. And then the interior of the house are cool set pieces too. It it’s it’s kind of I don’t know. It’s like Aztec slash Gothic. I I don’t even know how to describe it. But, like, it’s this it’s this cool Todd mansion, but there are all of these, like, walls and stone pillars that have all of these, like, I don’t know, Native American symbols or I’m sure I’m sure they’re not really Native American, but

Todd:  It’s supposed to be Aztec, I think. And and the interior of it is so goofy. I mean, there is no house that would ever be built like this. It it’s No. It’s so over the top. It’s like a giant movie set is exactly what it is. It it doesn’t the inside doesn’t even match the outside, which is fine No. Because you hardly even, like, see the outside.  Right. It’s like if somebody Todd, like, an Aztec pyramid I don’t mean it’s like if somebody took a house and added an Aztec motif to it. No. It’s like if somebody took an Aztec pyramid and tried to fashion a house out of it. That’s what this thing is. Aztec temple on the inside with like the staircase has these stone pillars on it and that big, like, dragon or or mouths. Oh, it’s just ridiculous. It’s ridiculous.

Craig:  Well, and and you’re right. You know, as as big and cool as the exterior of the house looks, when you get inside, it’s like it’s like sound stages. Like, they’re these huge like, especially, like, the foyer or the living area when you first go in. Like, it’s this huge set piece

Todd:  Yeah.

Craig:  With this with this huge stone, fireplace with, like, a a shrine. Yeah. But what’s

Todd:  so funny and what what makes it even more ridiculous is that hardly anybody seems to notice or care. Like Yeah. Like like, at first, of course, they come in and they stare around the house, like, woah. What a nice big house. Right? And, like Yeah. Like, after that, nobody really comes in and remarks, my god. What is this monstrosity that we’ve grown upon? It’s just like, oh, so this is where you live.

Craig:  Well, oh, gosh. Yeah. I mean, when when the main characters eventually move in, it’s this young couple, Jesse and Kate, and I’ll I’ll talk about the actors who play them in a second. But, yeah, when they first arrive, they’re like, oh, look. This is the new house we live in. And then at some point, Kate gets on the phone with, like, her manager or something, and she’s like, yeah. It’s kind of a dump, but Jesse would never notice that. Like like, are you kidding me? Like, it’s a huge mansion.  Like, oh, yeah. It’s kind of a dump.

Clip:  Seriously.

Todd:  I love this I love this part when they first come in because as she’s on the phone with her manager, at the same time, Jesse just pulls a random book off the shelf, sits down, and then just starts talking to himself.

Clip:  I don’t believe it. Well, they really need

Craig:  to learn.

Clip:  It’s my mom and dad. Yeah. It was pretty cute. That was my grandfather. So he must have been my great great grandfather. Jesse McLaughlin, they named me after him.

Craig:  Yeah. He talks to himself quite a bit, and we also get, like, sometimes, if I remember correctly, we get his inner monologue without him even talking. Yeah. You’re, like, voice over.

Todd:  It’s so lazy. It’s such lazy writing. It’s terrible.

Craig:  It is. Oh, the writing is bad. Oh, gosh. But before we meet these people, the opening scene is, this this young couple who has a baby. They’re in the house and, like, it seems like they’re scared and somebody is coming and so they meet somebody outside and they hand over their baby to another couple and then they go back inside and somebody like, it it they’re they’re trying to kind of establish the mystery. So some mysterious shadowy figure shows up and says, I want the skull. And the the guy, Clarence, is like, oh, we don’t have it. And then this mysterious figure shoots Clarence, and then he eventually kills, the wife too.  It’s like this ghostly cowboy. And then, we get a black screen and it says 25 years later, and that’s when Jesse and Kate arrive. And Jesse is the the baby from the first scene, and wherever he was, wherever he’s lived his life, he’s now, inherited, this mansion from his parents who died 25 years ago. I don’t really understand how that works out. But okay.

Todd:  We’ll just go with it.

Craig:  Yeah. And Jesse is played, by I I don’t know how to pronounce his first name. It’s a r y e, Ari Gross, I guess. And it’s not like he was a big star in the eighties nineties or anything, but he he’s really recognizable. He’s this short little guy and what I remember him from was he was kind of the second lead on Ellen DeGeneres’ sitcom, when she had a sitcom back then. And his girlfriend, I guess, is Kate played by Lar Park Lincoln, who is probably most known for Friday 13th part 7, but she, again, is just another very recognizable face from the eighties. And it’s watching this movie again, it was funny to me. I had never really consent of course, when I was watching it before I was a kid, like, we’re talking, like, maybe 8 years old, 10 years old.  That was the heyday of when I was watching this. Yeah. And so I wasn’t really particularly concerned about writing, and it was funny in watching it again today that these secondary characters, like Kate, are in are totally inconsequential. Yes. They could be gone from the

Todd:  movie, and it would make no difference whatsoever.

Craig:  Right. And most of them most of the secondary characters leave halfway through the movie. Like and we you’re just like, why were they there to begin with?

Todd:  And the funny thing is you don’t even notice.

Craig:  No. No. You don’t even notice.

Clip:  If people they come back to me.

Todd:  Oh, yeah. I wondered what happened then.

Craig:  Yeah. So yeah. So they’ve inherited this house. And like you said, he finds that photo album, and it’s got pictures of his ancestors and and whatnot. And the comedy, you know, comes in right away. Like, Jesse hears noises in the house and he goes and explores, and it doesn’t end up being anything. He just gets hit in the face with a fold out ironing board. Like, it it’s silly.  It’s really silly. That. And all the comedy is really silly in here, and it’s

Todd:  peppered with laugh lines that are just they’re all groaners. You know? They’re all

Craig:  Yeah. I I don’t know. There’s a there’s a certain charm to it. There is. I don’t think

Todd:  I agree. There is a charm to it. At one point, I wrote down this movie is so eighties comedy. Like, it’s almost called together from all of the other eighties comedies you’ve seen. That is that is the atmosphere of this film. It’s those kinds of jokes, that kind of humor, these kinds of situations. They’re all recycled from all the movies surrounding it at this time.

Craig:  Oh, yeah. And and the characters too are are so very eighties. I mean, the the next thing that happens is, 2 weirdos drop by Charlie and Kate. And Charlie is played by Jonathan Stark who, if you have listened to our podcast, we’ve talked about before because he was in Fright Night. Yep. He was, the main villain’s, like, henchman in Fright Night. He again, a very recognizable face. You know, he he’s not a leading guy.  You just kind of recognize him from things, but he was really, his career has been in writing. He wrote for Ellen’s sitcom. He wrote for Cheers and According Todd Jim and all kinds of other very successful television shows.

Todd:  Also, I really enjoyed his performance in this. I mean, it was totally cheese ball. Like his character was total cheese ball, but I really enjoyed watching him.

Craig:  Yeah. He’s funny. He’s a funny guy. Mhmm. Well and that’s that’s the role he plays. I’m the funny guy. Oh. Funny funny Charlie.  I’m funny Charlie.

Todd:  I was making funny jokes.

Craig:  And he he shows up with Lana who’s played by Amy Yasbeck, who was married to John Ritter and, you know, is a an accomplished actress in her own right. She was in the problem child movies. Just it’s a smorgasbord of eighties. Like, these people are just so recognizable, from and none of them were huge Todd. And and so maybe they were just recognizable to me because I had seen them in all of these random things. And and And Bill Maher shows up later on basically playing Bill Maher. Yeah. He just shows up as this cynical asshole.

Todd:  That’s right.

Craig:  And he’s got a perm, and it’s amazing.

Todd:  He looks just the same. I mean Yeah.

Craig:  Exactly. His perm’s a little bigger, but

Clip:  it’s a

Craig:  little longer. It’s the same.

Todd:  A little longer.

Craig:  Oh, man. And, so Lana is apparently a performer, and her stage name is Puce Glitz and the Avoider. That’s her band name.

Todd:  That’s really funny, actually.

Craig:  Yeah. She dances. I guess I guess Charlie’s plan I don’t even know. I don’t

Todd:  even know. I don’t even know so silly. I don’t even

Craig:  know what Kate does, but somehow Kate is somehow tied to people who could maybe help puce glitz in the players. Get their big start or something. Yes. And that’s why they’re there. I don’t know. Oh my god.

Todd:  Charlie has this incredible plan where he they are up in the bedroom and then Kate starts this nipply dance party where she just says, he start jumping around and he’s plays a big boom box of, I guess it’s her music, and he, like, looks toward the door to see if anybody’s out there, Then he cranks it up, and then he jumps in bed like he’s reading a magazine or something. And he’s Yeah. Like this bizarre way of trying to get Kate’s attention, and Kate’s on the phone. She’s like, wait a minute. What is that music I hear? And she runs into the room.

Craig:  Oh, hi, Kate. Hey. Is it too loud?

Clip:  What is this your plan? That’s Pew Splitz and The Avoider. Pus Glitz? Yeah. That’s my stage name. This is you? Yeah. And,

Craig:  I’m your manager. Okay. I don’t feel compelled to tell you. We are

Todd:  weighing several offers from some big producers, but to drop names would be tacky.

Clip:  But you don’t have a contract yet. I mean, you haven’t signed anything yet, have you? Oh, no. We don’t believe in success.

Craig:  Yeah. We wanna make a lot of money and

Todd:  be real famous, but but no success.

Clip:  No. There’s a very subtle difference. You know? John, I’ve gotta get back to you. I think I may have found what we’re looking for.

Craig:  Yeah. Based on 15 seconds

Todd:  of 15 seconds. Of really bland, not even remarkable pop music. It’s so silly.

Craig:  It is. It’s really silly.

Todd:  It is hilarious. Actually, there’s no point to it except to bring Bill Maher’s character there to say some goofy stuff later on.

Craig:  Yeah. Again, the secondary except for Charlie. Charlie’s important. He’s he plays into the action. All the rest of the people, totally inconsequential really in the end. Mhmm. I guess since he found this photo album, Jesse’s now interested in, like, researching things. I I don’t know.  But he like, he’s been in the basement Talking

Todd:  to himself again.

Craig:  Talking to himself, having inner monologue, and he’s found, like, these scrapbooks. And he tells Charlie the story of, his great great grandpa, who was an adventurer. Like, again, confusing because, like, he was a wild old wild west guy, but then I guess he was also, like, a worldwide adventurer.

Todd:  He doesn’t make sense at all.

Clip:  He was an outlaw in the old west.

Craig:  Okay. Can I buy that? Yeah.

Clip:  Look at this skull he’s holding. It’s made completely out of rock crystal. And this guy in the background, this is Jesse’s partner, Slim Reiser. Uh-uh. Now he and Jesse had a falling out over the skull and became bitter enemies. Swim died without ever getting the skull from Jesse.

Todd:  I don’t even understand how he knows all this stuff. I mean, wasn’t he just handed over to some other couple at some point? I I guess he just inferred a lot from

Craig:  the pictures. Grant

Clip:  immortality

Craig:  to anybody grant immortality to anybody who found it. So he says, well he’s talking to Charlie, and he’s like, well, he found this skull. Well, where is it now? Well, he’s just buried up on the hill. Let’s go dig him up.

Todd:  That’s basically it. And the next shot is literally them digging him up.

Craig:  It’s the them neck deep in a grave digging up gramps. Well, but they they open it up and they find the skull and that’s great, but then, also Gramps is alive, or undead. I I not really sure. I anyway, he he looks, he he looks like a corpse. You know? He’s he’s decomposed and gray and the tips of his fingers have worn away and apparently, he doesn’t know this. And Gramps makes the movie for me.

Todd:  He does.

Craig:  He’s he’s played by Royal Dano who again gosh. We can’t show you things, you know, when we’re just recording Todd, but if you saw this guy you would recognize him. He was in, Something Wicked This Way Comes. He was the lightning rod salesman. He was in one of the Ghoulies sequels. He’s just this super recognizable old guy and he is so cute and charming.

Todd:  So dang cool. He he’s got a voice. He just has a very distinct voice. Like, you don’t even need to see it. And and there’s nobody else. Like, nobody before or after has had a voice like this

Clip:  guy. Goddamn. You know, I’ve been awaiting over 70 years for some jackass to get the sense to come dig me up. Thank you, boy.

Craig:  He’s in heavy makeup. This movie’s not popular enough for there to be a lot of, you know, behind the scenes information out there, but I wish there were because I would love to know. One thing that I do know is that they wanted this guy so badly that they hired him even though they couldn’t get their insurance company to cover him because he had just recently undergone heart surgery. But they wanted him so bad, they hired him anyway. And I understand why, but, you know, I’d be interested to know about, you know, how long it took this old guy to sit there and get into this makeup because it’s it’s heavy makeup, and it looks good. Even in that heavy makeup, he has so much character and humanity in his eyeballs. Yes. Like, he he’s just so, like, endearing and and, and and sweet and Jeez.  And he see and he’s like an old grandpa, like a sweet, old, cool grandpa. He reminds me of my old country grandpa, and it’s just, it’s it’s just the sweetest thing. But, you know, he comes out of the grave, and at first, he’s kinda wearing, like, this Aztec mask, so he’s kinda scary. And, you know, you don’t I if you haven’t seen it before, you don’t know if he’s good or bad. But then when he takes the mask off, he’s just kind of this kindhearted old corpse. And they take him home and then that’s the other thing that is so silly, but cute at the same time. There’s like, oh, well, nice to meet you. Let’s go home.’ And they take him home, and he he has his crystal skull, and he puts it on the mantle with this shrine that has obviously been missing the skull and, like, the skull glows and stuff and he says this house is a temple, it don’t know time or space, but the forces of evil are always after the skull, so we have to take care of this skull.  And then they take him down to the basement, that’s where they’re gonna set him up, and he wants to he’s like, let’s go out on the town. I’ve been, you know, in Macauffin for 70 years. They have to kind of not explain to him, but help him to realize that he is gross, but it’s a cute moment, like, he he’s like, I’m supposed to be alive. It’s not supposed to be like this, and, like, he gets sad and misty eyed, and it’s, like like, it tugged at my heartstrings.

Todd:  It does.

Craig:  Like Yeah. Oh, it was really sweet. I know. It was really sweet.

Todd:  But then, of course, Charlie’s, like, sneakily gives him the keys to the car, and they, like, go driving off and end up coming back drinking and staring at the stars and things. At this point, I was like, this is so eighties comedy. It is. It’s so goofy.

Craig:  They just go off and get drunk. It’s hilarious.

Todd:  It doesn’t even matter. Like, for example, then the next scene is him sitting in front of a television and he’s marveling at, the fact that tissues just keep coming and coming out of this tissue box like it’s this amazing advanced technology, but he’s just been apparently watching old movies and then he jumps into a Ronald Reagan joke so that that way you know it’s the eighties. And then Yeah. And then suddenly he says, these movies, books, and crap, they don’t tell you how it really was. And I’m thinking, did he just spend the last hour reading a bunch of books and watching a bunch of movies about Westerns? Like, how does he even know to say this? Right? Like, it didn’t make any sense. And then it starts with this, like, kind of cute but really silly montage where he’s they’re sitting around drinking beer and they’re listening to him the wax poetic about robbing a stagecoach at one time, you know. And, it just yeah. It’s it’s so goofy, like, now

Craig:  It is goofy, but it’s cute. Adorable. It’s so adorable. Like, this cute sentimental western music is playing in the back, and Jesse and Charlie are both just looking at him like it’s just the most fascinating thing they’ve ever heard in their life. Yeah. Like, as cheesy as that sounds, honest to Todd

Todd:  It is.

Craig:  I I I have had I don’t still have both of them. I have had older grandparents and there’s just something charming about when they get into their stories about the olden days and, oh my gosh, it’s just so cute. And, like, you you get the sense that especially Jesse is charmed by this. Like, his Kate, his girlfriend is such she has nothing to do. She she has no opportunity to build character. There’s no kind of establishment of their relationship. She just is she has about 5 minutes of screen time where she just kind of gets to be flighty and bitchy and that’s it. Yeah.  But because of that, you kind of get the sense that Jesse is, you know, longing for something else. And and, you know, the like, these stories of gramps’ days, you know, are are romantic to him.

Todd:  Yeah.

Craig:  And he’s really into it.

Todd:  And he’s reconnecting with the family that he didn’t have. You know? And and it’s it’s that’s the that’s kind of what the movie is really trying to build here is that sense of, the orphan who meets his great great grandfather in a way that none of the rest of us could. And he’s charming, and he’s cute, and he’s fun. Right? So

Craig:  Yeah. Yeah. And they Yeah. It is cool.

Todd:  And then it’s just, oh, gee. Look at the time. Well, we better wander on upstairs. And they walk upstairs in a true eighties movie fashion. Suddenly, there is a full blown house party going on.

Craig:  Yeah. A full costume party. Right? You just

Todd:  happen to not notice downstairs. Oh, I forgot to tell you. I invited a few people over for Halloween who apparently all showed up, just let themselves in the house and completely decked out the place and, you know, brought food and whatnot.

Craig:  And then this this party scene is funny. The only thing before we get to the party, when Gramps is talking, I I feel like it’s important to mention that he tells the story of his nemesis, slim slim reaser. And it’s very simple that, you know, they when Gramps found the skull, Slim wanted it, and, you know, they had a disagreement about that. And Gramps said, well, I shot the old scallywag. That was the end of that, but he doesn’t really wanna talk about it anymore. The reason that it’s important is because Slim shows up at the end as the bad guy. Also, at some point, John Mayer showed up. Or not is that his name? Not John Mayer? John Mayer is a singer.  That would be really weird if he showed up. Like, what? Bill Maher. Bill Maher. Bill Maher showed up.

Todd:  He showed up at

Clip:  the party.

Craig:  Showed up.

Todd:  Did he show up at the party? He showed up at

Craig:  the He

Todd:  showed up a

Craig:  little bit before. It doesn’t really matter. And, again, his character is pretty inconsequential too, except it’s apparent that he is interested in Kate. And then throughout his time there, he’s constantly trying to sabotage Jesse and make Kate not like Jesse. And, eventually, it works, and then they leave. And, like, that’s that’s it. That’s that’s the whole purpose of their characters. That’s so true.  Oh. Oh, man. But this this this party, it’s funny. It’s this huge party and Gramps, you know, comes to the party because it’s a costume party.

Todd:  He knows

Craig:  he he no questions who he is, and Gramps is dancing with some young girl, and it’s it’s super cute. And then there’s this totally kind of inconsequential lame plot point where one of Jesse’s ex girlfriends, Rochelle, shows up, and it’s, like, kind of all over him for no apparent reason.

Todd:  Immediately just rubbing all over him and stuff like that. And he hardly even seems to care.

Craig:  Yeah. Well, he doesn’t even notice, really. But Bill Maher sees, and then Bill Maher tells, Jesse’s girlfriend, Kate, and then eventually she comes and slaps him. It’s it’s all very stupid and inconsequential. Really, the point of the party is that while the party is going on and fortunately, it’s a costume party, so anybody dressed as anything can show up and nobody’s gonna question it, but a door opens in one of the upstairs rooms and smoke kind of or fog rolls out, and this huge caveman comes out and comes down through the party and, you know, is kind of pushing people aside. And one of the people he pushes aside is a guy in a gorilla suit who is Kane Hodder for our horror friend fans out there. Mhmm. Kane, Kane Hodder, one of the original Jason Voorhees in a very small cameo.

Todd:  The movie was produced by Sean Cunningham who who who directed the original Friday 13th and produced a bunch of them.

Craig:  Yeah. Look at you. Todd research.

Todd:  What no. It’s one of the first things I noticed is, like, his second credit that came up.

Craig:  It’s awesome. I know. I didn’t look at that. But, anyway, this caveman comes in and he steals the skull. Gramps when the caveman is walking towards the skull, Gramps steps in front of him and says,

Clip:  You better peck your ass in a suitcase and hid for Panama.

Craig:  Just the funniest shit.

Todd:  Oh, these are I swear to God. These lines are so goofy. Oh. So goofy.

Craig:  Goofy. They are so goofy. Oh my god. Oh. But, anyway, the caveman takes steals the skull and and takes it back to where he is, and then Jesse and Charlie are like, oh, no. He stole the skull. And, Gramps is like, well, I have to have it. If I don’t have it, I’ll die.  You have to go get it. And so there’s a whole lot of goofiness leading up, like, they’re they’re meeting up Jesse and Charlie meeting up outside the room, and Jesse’s like, oh, well, I had this in the trunk. You never know when you’re gonna need one, and he pulls out an Uzi. He’s got a machine gun in the trunk of his car.

Todd:  Yeah. It’s it’s really not an eighties movie without an Uzi coming into play at some point. That was, like, our thing. I don’t know why we were so fascinated with Uzi’s back then.

Craig:  I don’t know either. And who knows what an

Todd:  Uzi even know what an Uzi is, but we all talked about them when we were kids.

Craig:  Yeah. We like to say them a lot. See. So they go so they open up this room and they go in. And this is, you know, kind of in keeping with the first movie. It is. Like, you could go into these rooms, and it would be kind of, like, alternate

Todd:  universes or whatever. It’s the jungle room.

Craig:  So they go into this prehistoric jungle.

Todd:  I thought it was a nice touch. I thought it was cool that as they’re going to the jungle, there’s, like, a lamp in there. Like like it was a, you know, still like a little bit of the room left before they’ve got into, you know, way more. And I actually thought you know, I was impressed at this for as I don’t know. This had to be a fairly low budget movie. The special effects aren’t too bad for the time. Like, the stop motion kind of stuff they do is a bit in that Craig Harryhausen vein, but they don’t really try to avoid them. Mhmm.  I mean, they will go full on with the creature effects, you know. They’re giving it their all, but they’re not trying to shoot it in a way where they don’t have to show a creature Right. For better or for

Craig:  worse. Yeah. And and, you know, if if you if you wanna be critical, it’s not Jurassic Park, you know, by any stretch of the imagination. They go in there, and there are, you know, these stop motion dinosaurs, and they look very b movie. You know? They look very clash of the titans.

Todd:  Yeah. They’re jerky.

Craig:  And I not only am I fine with it, I actually find it It’s charming. Charming. Yeah. I I I agree. Endearing.

Todd:  Yeah.

Craig:  And and so they go in there and they fight the caveman, and then, like, they they get the skull back. I love

Todd:  I love how they just wander around through this jungle, and the skull is just, like, sitting on a rock.

Craig:  Right. Like, it’s, like, 10 yards in. Like, it’s oh oh, let’s find it. Let’s look around. Oh, there it is. I know. Just sit just sitting there on a dead bed.

Todd:  And why? Why did the caveman even get did he just need a buddy? Like, what was he doing with it in the first

Craig:  I don’t know. He must be a force of evil caveman. I don’t know. But when they get it, it got it’s just so funny and cheesy, and I love it. Jesse grabs the skull and he takes it in one hand and thrust his arm up in the air and says, the skull is ours And then a pterodactyl swoops in and steals it. Drops it in its nest. On top of this huge tree.

Todd:  This gigantic, like, redwood tree. And what do they do? They go to the tree and Jesse can scale this tree.

Craig:  And it’s like, oh, gosh. It just looks so silly. Like, I was I was paying attention and, like, it’s just kind of this little silhouette cardboard cutout, like, that they’re just kind of scooting up the tree. Like, only one

Clip:  of the legs actually moves.

Craig:  Like, one of the legs just kind of drags along.

Clip:  It’s their best effort.

Craig:  But we were used to this sort of thing back

Todd:  then too. This kinda happened. But it it at this point that he gets up to the top of the tree and he reaches in for the skull, but instead a little pterodactyl baby jumps out and he has this half hearted comedic back and forth with this pterodactyl baby who is, you know, chomping at him while he’s trying to get the skull. And the music in the background is this Todd at this point, you have to take stock of the movie you’re looking at. And if you thought you’re in the if you were getting a horror film

Craig:  yeah. You

Todd:  you you find this yourself about half an hour into this movie and there’s a guy at the top of a tree fighting with a baby pterodactyl over a crystal skull.

Craig:  And meanwhile, there’s, like, something scary crawling around underneath the moss behind Charlie, like, stalking him. We don’t know what it is, but the music makes it sound very scary. And then Jesse falls out of the tree and, like, as he’s falling, which takes, like, 10 seconds, he’s, like, catch me, Charlie. Catch me. Catch me. And Charlie’s just standing down there like, I got you, bro. I got you. And Jesse hits the ground and they fall through the floor of the jungle into the basement where gramps is and gramps says, why didn’t you use the stairs? Oh my god.

Clip:  Oh, it’s so

Craig:  goddamn funny. When Charlie kind of, you know, regains his senses, he realizes there’s something on his leg and he freaks out and he’s screaming. He’s like, ah, it’s eating my leg. It’s eating my leg. And it ends up being I don’t know what the word is.

Todd:  A doggerpillar. A doggerpillar. That’s the only way I can consider. It’s like an oversized caterpillar with a dog’s head.

Craig:  Oh my god. And it’s so cute. And it’s it’s a puppet. Like, it’s just so evidently a puppet. Like

Clip:  Mhmm.

Craig:  You know, foam rubber, but it’s adorable. And they keep it. Like, that’s the other the other cute thing. Like, they keep this cat or pupper or what I don’t know what it is. Catterpuppy? And they and, they eventually end up keeping the baby pterodactyl too. And, like, then the the pterodactyl goes running around, and it still got the skull and

Todd:  His mouth. Oh my god.

Craig:  Yeah. And and Jesse’s trying to get it, and he’s in the kitchen. And at this point, I’m just gonna call him Bill Maher because Bill Maher wants

Todd:  John.

Craig:  But Yeah. John. He wants to catch Jesse and something. And so, like, they’re he’s trying to get into the kitchen, and Charlie’s trying to get him out, and, but they they eventually get in there. And, it’s kind of a funny scene when he’s confronting Jesse. He’s like, well, do you have something to hide? I mean, I just you know, what’s going on? And he’s like, oh, fine. I’ll tell you. And he’s like

Clip:  Alright. Now Charlie and I, last night, went to the cemetery, and we dug up my great great grandfather’s Craig. Because we were looking for a crystal skull. It’s supposed to be magic. Anyway, we dug it up, and we got the skull, but we also found my great great grandfather. And he’s dead, but but he’s alive. I mean, he’s a mummy. And and we brought him back, and he’s been staying in the basement.  And and Charlie and I have just been running through this jungle trying to get the skull back. And that’s who’s in there for your information, mister Sherlock Holmes.

Craig:  But then he opens the closet, and Rochelle is in there. Why? I don’t know. She’s just been waiting around. She’s so dumb. Drunk waiting.

Todd:  And the other thing about it is Todd doesn’t even make any sense because he’s standing in front of this tall, like, floor to ceiling style pantry door in the kitchen. But the last place he chased a pterodactyl into was this small cabinet above the sink. So why he’s standing in front of this giant door and hiding it, it doesn’t even make any sense.

Craig:  Well, it also does. Okay. So I guess maybe they were in prehistoric times for a while, but when they left, there was a huge party going on. And when they come back, there’s nobody there.

Todd:  There’s nothing. Nothing. Oh, man.

Craig:  But that’s okay. Whatever. Yeah. So, anyway, the as it turns out, Kate and, the singer, whatever her name is, and John, they all leave, and we never see them again. The end. Like Yeah.

Todd:  Bye. She slapped.

Craig:  Nice to see you.

Todd:  There you go.

Craig:  Yeah. Whatever. Bye. And it turns out that Gramps was playing a joke. There was like a like a revolving wall in the closet and so he was on one side and Rochelle was on the other and eventually he says to Jesse, well, I I think I was in the mood to play a joke, but I’m sorry that you were the one I played it on. It’s just so silly but sweet too. And they they get the skull back, and there’s a a cute little moment where Gramps gives the caterpillar beer in a baby bottle. Adorable.  But when Gramps is trying to put the, skull back, he gets attacked by Aztecs. I mean, just, you know, terrible, stereotypical representation of

Todd:  Zulu warriors or something. Yeah. Who knows?

Craig:  Yeah. But he gets attacked and then so when, Jesse wakes up in the morning, he finds gramps, you know, knocked out on the floor. And, again, like, this is so dumb and inconsequential, but even the stuff that they were doing with the little caterpillar puppet, Like, when Gramps got knocked out and the little caterpillar puppet was, like, worried about him and, like, trying to wake him up. Like, it’s I was like, aw. Dogs are the best.

Todd:  You’re such a dog owner. Oh my god.

Craig:  I know. Shut up. That leads up to the the next adventure.

Todd:  It’s episodic. It’s kind of you know, I was even thinking, like, I don’t know why, but it was I was just getting shades of wax works in here too. Right?

Craig:  Yeah. Yeah. Definitely.

Todd:  These little episodic adventures into different lands and different worlds. But this was my favorite part of the movie.

Craig:  It’s super fun.

Todd:  Oh my and I actually give them a lot of credit for this bit when Cliff from Cheers comes in.

Craig:  Yeah.

Todd:  John was it John Ratzenberger? Is that his name?

Craig:  Yeah. Who

Todd:  who you know you know. I mean, you know his voice. This guy Yes. Just like, Royal Dano. Like, he’s he’s a man all his own, and there’s nobody

Craig:  who

Todd:  will be like him. He comes in as an electrician. It’s just it just comes out of the blue. Like, oh, somebody called me. He said you because because earlier way earlier on in the movie, their lights weren’t working in one of the rooms or something. It’s a and he comes in. He’s no nonsense.

Clip:  What is the fuse box down there in the basement? Listen, Bill. I’m sorry to trouble you, but this really isn’t the right time. It’s alright, Jess. I’m not gonna get in your way. You just, show me what needs fixing. This is quite a room you got here. Yeah. Very, very nice.  It’s a weird fireplace, though. Yeah. A bill? A bill. What do we got in here? There it is.

Todd:  It’s just funny because it’s this huge pause in the action where there’s this urgency to get the skull and to rescue, to rescue the skull from these Aztecs, but Jesse has to deal with the electrician who wanders in first. He wanders out and he grabs a a sword along with I mean, I at this point, I was wondering whatever happened to the Uzis. But, he and Charlie grab swords and decide they’re gonna go into the fireplace to chase this to go into this Aztec. But now correct me if I’m wrong, were was the fireplace, like, sealed back up again? Was it a big pit? What was the deal? Why didn’t you decide they weren’t able to go into the fireplace after these?

Craig:  I don’t know. I never really under I never really understood. Like, Charlie pokes his sword in there and they hear some kind of scary noise, but then they don’t I I feel like they just get interrupted by Cliff. I don’t know who is he, John, whatever, the electrician. Mhmm.

Todd:  Electrician who’s been back there, like, pulling the wires out of the wall and, like, revealing a hole or whatnot.

Clip:  There it is.

Todd:  Looks like you got some kind of alternate universe in there or something. And, of course, he plays it totally straight and totally nonchalantly that I’m sorry. This is high comedy as far as I’m concerned. The rest of the movie has been low. This is high.

Craig:  John Ratzenberger is hilarious in this movie. He’s so funny.

Todd:  And so this is their like you said, they could now they’re in they dive into this, like, medieval or, you know, Aztec, whatever temple. It’s like Indiana Jones or young Sherlock Holmes or whatever. They walk in and sure enough they come into the interior of this Aztec temple and they look down and see that this, priest is about Todd sacrifice a virgin on or at least Charlie says, do you think she’s a virgin? Because I’ve never seen one of those. Stupid lines. And and but but it’s funny because the electrician just is like, he says, well, I’ve I’ve prepared for this. Did he pulls out his toolbox? He opens it up. He’s got a saber in there too. Like, he’s done this a 1000000 times

Craig:  as well. Oh, yeah.

Todd:  It’s it’s hilarious. I I really like this part just because Yeah. It’s really funny. So funny. And they go in there and they rescue the girl. That’s basically it and grab the skull at the same time.

Craig:  Yep. And it’s, you know, they’re swinging on ropes and they’re sword fighting like they sword fight every I know.

Todd:  It’s one of those moments where some of these guys can do anything and they’re so nonchalant about it Todd. Like, Jesse’s like like fighting a guy with a sword and another guy comes behind him and he swings a sword around and knocks him off and another guy approaches him from from behind without even turning around, he whacks him with his head his arm and he falls into the pit Todd. And all the whole time he’s smiling and seems like only half interested in what’s going on. It’s, it’s one of those.

Craig:  And and and the electrician is like, I’ll I’ll hold them off. You guys go ahead. Get back. And he sends them back and they’re, like, oh, I don’t see him behind us. Oh, no. And they get out and he’s standing out there, like, polishing up his tools, like, starting to get worried about you. Like and then when he leaves, he hands them his card, and it says, Bill Towner, electrician and adventurer. Adorable.

Todd:  Yeah. It’s cute.

Craig:  And and then we get the next scene right away. We cut to this

Todd:  Wacky dinner scene.

Craig:  Wacky, but so cute. Like, it’s this family dinner, and it’s it’s gramps and Charlie and Jesse and the virgin who speaks no English and the pterodactyl and the caterpillar. It’s cute, but it’s so dumb. I thought it was adorable. And they’re they’re all sitting around, and Charlie’s like, oh, somebody should say Craig. And, like, Jesse looks at Gramps and Gramps nods like, yeah. You should do it. And so then so Jesse, like, says grace or gives this toast or whatever, and he’s like, I consider you all my family.  Like, I and it as cheesy as it sounds, I appreciate how everybody just ran with it. Like, the guy who is playing Jesse, he plays it sincerely. Like, you guys are my family now. Like Yeah. Pterodactyl and But

Todd:  in the meantime, there’s, like, setting a place for the pterodactyl and they’re putting fruit in front of them and stuff. It’s so dumb. But it’s cute. I get where you’re coming from. And especially

Clip:  Oh, I

Craig:  think it’s cute.

Todd:  Yeah. It’s funny. But but you do get the sense at this point in the movie. I mean, we’re we’re only, like, 10 minutes away from the ending credits. Like, they felt like they had to wrap it up.

Craig:  It I mean, it’s certainly silly. There’s no question about that, but it’s it’s fun, sweet, silly. I like it. But so anyway, the food on the table, and I guess the entree is covered by this big bell jar or whatever, and Jesse lifts it up, and then this scary cowboy rises up out through the platter, through the table, and it’s Slim, you know, the the nemesis of Gramps’ nemesis. And Gramps is like, I knew you’d come. I’ve been waiting for you. And Charlie tries to grab a knife and Gramps is like, no. This he’s mine.  But then Slim shoots Gramps and Gramps goes down. And Slim takes the virgin girl, who, by the way, is this gorgeous playboy centerfold, like, who has no lines because she doesn’t speak any English. She’s just there to be pretty girl number 1, and, and Charlie goes and and chases after them like he’s gonna rescue the girl. And we’re left with Jesse and and Gramps and and Gramps is like, you have to get him. Here, take my gun. You’ll need this. He’s the one that killed your ma and pa. And so Jesse goes off on his mission, and he goes off to this room that we’ve seen before, which is, like, kind of this Wild West themed room with, like, you know, all these, taxidermied animals and things in it.  And, when he opens the curtains to the window, he sees that the window opens up into the Wild West. And he goes out there and Charlie and the Virgin are strung up on the gallows and and gagged, and Slim comes in on his stop motion corpse horse.

Todd:  I like that. Again, this is where I feel like, man, it looks so it looks kinda bad, but they It does. They tried. You know? And I really appreciate that that they they they didn’t pull any punches here. They were given a

Craig:  different Yeah. Yeah. It is what it is, and I do appreciate that they went for it. It doesn’t look great. It’s not, you know, it’s not the greatest effects you’ve ever seen.

Clip:  It’s not

Todd:  terrible, though.

Craig:  No. It’s not. I I like it. They kinda have a shoot off, and, Jesse gets shot in the arm, and, he ends up back in the house and then Slim is just kind of randomly stalking him around the house for a little bit, which was actually, I thought, kinda stupid. Yeah. It was really dumb. It went on it went on for too long.

Todd:  Yeah. It’s just one of those sequences where you just lose the energy of the pursuit, and it loses all logic, and suddenly you just get one scene after another scene of a character just quietly creeping through a room waiting for something terrible to happen to him.

Craig:  Right. And and Slim has, like, the gremlin voice and, like, he Jesse. Like, he just keeps saying his name. It’s silly. Anyway, eventually, the cops show up because they’ve heard gunshots. And I guess wherever they live, the way that the cops work is if they hear gunshots, they just surround the house with a SWAT team. They’re like, we’re gonna shoot you. We’re gonna shoot you if

Todd:  you don’t come out. Yeah. It’s the great cops.

Craig:  Eventually, Slim and Jesse end up facing off again, and Jesse, shoots literally his head off, shoots Slim’s head off and the and he gets the skull back. He goes back to Gramps who’s laying in a bed and he’s got the skull and Gramps again is super cute. Did you blow his head off? That’s a good boy. I thought for sure he’d kick your ass, but I didn’t let Odd know. Like, I can’t I can’t tell you how much this guy reminds me of my mom’s dad who passed away a long time ago, but he was just so country. And and then they just have this very sweet farewell where Jesse’s like, well, I’ve got the skull. Now you’re okay. And he’s like, no.  You know, I’ve lived. I’ve done everything I wanted to do in this life and he says, you keep the skull and get from it what you want and then get rid of the goddamn thing. He says, I love you and they embrace and gramp says, I love you Todd, Jesse. And again, Royal Dano, you know, in this heavy makeup his eyes are just so expressive. Like, it just oh my god. And he’s teary eyed and it it it’s not even really a sad moment. It’s just so sweet and, he dies and then the cops say they’re gonna count to 10 till they open fire and then it turns out that Slim, even though he has no head, is still alive and he stands up and he shoots at Jesse, but Jesse ducks and so the cops think that somebody’s shooting at them, so they open fire. I guess the cops fire, takes out Slim and Jesse grabs Gramps’s corpse and he grabs the caterpillar and the pterodactyl and he goes walking through this door that’s just, you know, it looks like the bright lights of heaven or whatever.  Yeah. And he walks through. And then it’s the last scene and, Jesse places the skull on a burial mound, of stones, presumably Gramps. And we see Charlie and the Virgin waiting for Jesse, on an Todd west stagecoach, or not really a stagecoach, but a wagon, and they ride off into the sunset together like

Todd:  Along with the doggar pillar and the pterodactyl. Yeah.

Craig:  And they’re apparently just gonna live happily ever after in the old west and Oh, man. It’s lovely. I have to

Todd:  say so the first house, I really enjoyed. And it was a little silly, but it had it’s it was scary. It was r Todd. And it had, you know

Craig:  Yeah.

Todd:  It was not nearly as silly and as funny as this one was. This one is definitely different, from the other one in a major way, I think. Like you said, they’re tangentially related. At the end of the day, they’re 2 very different movies. But there is a certain charm to this film, and we’ve been talking about it throughout. And for its time, it was 1 a month. I mean, it was kinda like like I said, it just felt like Monster Squad all over again. You know, kind of a low rent Goonies slash adventure story of crazy things happening to everyday people in fantastical ways that you can watch with your family.  Nowadays, man, I don’t know. Maybe No.

Craig:  I don’t think it would play over

Clip:  very often.

Todd:  Doesn’t really doesn’t really work, and the jokes don’t really work. It’s just not sophisticated enough. It is kinda disappoint I mean, honestly, like, I really enjoy I enjoyed watching it again. I enjoyed revisiting it. I kinda wanna watch it again with my wife because it’s totally safe for her, and she might get a

Clip:  Yeah.

Todd:  Yeah. But honestly, I don’t think I’ll watch it again and it’s kinda sad that I remembered it being just a little edgier than it than it really was. Man, I I must have been really young to think this movie was edgy.

Craig:  I I I remember it so fondly too. And in watching it again from a critical perspective, I was able to say, oh, okay. You know? Like, this this really isn’t a good movie, but I will watch it again. In fact, this is one of those movies that I would just put on any time. If I’m cleaning the house, if I wanna take a nap, like, this would just be something great for me, and and I’m sure that it has to do with my nostalgia for it, but if I woke up for a few minutes from my nap to see that little caterpillar a have kids, but you do. And I would think that this, you know, when Kenji gets to be of a certain age

Todd:  He would love this movie.

Craig:  He he would. Yeah.

Todd:  Yeah. He really would. But then past a certain age, he would not like it at all.

Craig:  Right. Right. Probably not. Yeah. But, you know, it just leaves

Todd:  you with questions like, what the hell does the skull do anyway? Like Right. You know what I mean? Like, everybody wants it and whatnot, but there’s nothing clear in the movie why it’s really that important. All it does is sit on a shelf and glow.

Craig:  Everybody wants it, and it’s so important. And we have to protect it from the forces of evil. But at the end, just, you know, leave it in a pile in the desert. Zach. But it’s out of my hands.

Todd:  I will say, though, this movie is better than it gets credit for. Like, it it has, like, a lousy I think it was at 0% at one point, a lot of Tomatoes. I think it has a 10% now. You could find hardly anything about it online, and I can’t figure that out. I can’t figure out why because we’ve seen so many movies that are so much worse than this.

Craig:  Yeah. Well, I mean, it it it premiered alongside The Color Purple and some other big blockbuster movie. And so upon its release, it got lost in the shuffle, which I you know, fine. Whatever. I’m I’m a little bit surprised that it played in theaters at all.

Todd:  It does have a straight to video feel to it.

Craig:  What I do know is they rushed it into production. Apparently, again, with the success of the first movie that I was unaware of, they wanted to get a sequel right away. So they rushed it in a production, and the screenwriter only had 2 weeks to write the script, which maybe explains some things. It shows. And and it and it it premiered a year after the release of the first one. So, you know, they they really rushed into it, but whatever. You know? Can I even really say it’s a good movie? No. But I really enjoy it.  I think it’s fun. I it makes me wish I had kids so that I could sit down with my 8 year old. You know, if this is the first scary movie we’re gonna watch, okay, you may see some things that are gonna be a little bit scary, but it’s just pretend. And, you know, like, it’s, you know, it’s it’s that safe. And and, ultimately, you know, nobody dies, well, except for Gramps, but he’s old and whatever. Anyway, I I I still, appreciate it. I know it’s not a great movie and, if you’re listening to this and you have any thoughts about this movie at all, please, share them. I hope that there are those of you out there who can appreciate it for what it was or those of you who are about our age who maybe have fond memories of it, but, I’m not going to recommend it as some sort of gem or anything.  It’s just it’s it’s cute and sweet, and I’m a sap, and I like that sweet stuff. And

Todd:  It’s it’s kind of a time capsule. It’s 1987 is written all over it, you know? And for that, if you if you’re like us and you’re nostalgic for that, I think you’ll you’ll you’ll you’ll enjoy it to an extent.

Craig:  To an extent. Yeah. Put that caveat on there. Okay. Fair enough. Alright. Well, thank you for listening to another episode. If you enjoyed this episode, we have lots and lots and lots of back episodes.  You can find us on Facebook. You can find us on, iTunes, Google Play, Stitcher, and we’ll be back with you, for the next couple weeks doing, some more sequels, and we’ll get into some grittier stuff than House 2. Anyway, until next time. I’m Craig.

Todd:  And I’m Tom.

Craig:  With 2 Guys and a Chainsaw.