Blood Beach

Our tribute episode to Burt Young, beloved wiseguy of countless films, best known for the Rocky series and – amongst OUR listenership – for being the angry dad in the deliciously wacky Amityville II. That SHOULD have been our tribute episode to him instead of this boring turkey that’s trying really, really hard to be “Jaws on a beach” but ends up more like “nod off on the sofa”. Spend some time in the sand with us!

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Blood Beach (1981)

Episode 377, 2 Guys and a Chainsaw

Todd: Hello, and welcome to another episode of Two Guys and a Chainsaw. I’m Todd.

Craig: And I’m Craig.

Well, here we are, Craig, with, I think, our very first tribute episode of 2024.  

Craig: How exciting. Ooh.

Todd: It’s an event.

Craig: It’s our first tribute episode.

Todd: January’s always fun. It gives me something to talk about at the beginning.

It’s our first XYZ of the new year. And then I’m scraping for things. I’m excited. I can tell. We’re both very excited. Yes. We’re just, boy, we can’t wait to talk about this damn movie. But before we talk about the movie, let’s talk about who we’re who we’re tributing. Burt Young. Aged 83. Died in October of last year.

And we’ve been meaning to get a tribute episode out, but darn it, when you people die in the middle of the holiday season, you know, we’ve got all these Christmas plans and Halloween plans, we’ve got to wedge in that Thanksgiving horror movie somewhere. We tend to put it off. We’ve got a couple tribute episodes that we’re gonna try to bang out this month.

And Burt Young is the first of them.

Craig: It’s funny, cause you’re so, you’re so determined about them. I care. Like, when, when Burt Young died and the, the lady that we’re gonna do next week, you’re like, we gotta do a tribute. I’m like, okay. And then so much time, so much time goes by, and I, I, I just I figure you’ll forget, but you don’t.

Todd: You want me to forget, don’t ya? No, I don’t 

Craig: care. I mean, I like, Burt Young, you know, I like him. We’ve done, uh, he was in Amityville 2, and we did that, and that was a fun episode. 

Todd: I really liked that. Oh, God. Fun movie, fun episode. I’ve actually, that’s one of those few kind of dumb movies that I’ve gone back to a few times.

Just because it was so quirky and weird. Oh, God. It was weird. It 

Craig: was fun to talk about and he was in that and of course, you know, I think I don’t know guys our age What what I know him from is Rocky. He was Rocky’s Dumb big mouth brother in law Adrian’s brother, but I loved him in those movies. I thought he was funny.

Yeah, he really brought like some levity to those, I don’t know, like he and Sylvester Stallone just played off one another so well, like he was the little big mouth tough guy and Stallone was the big dummy. Don’t get me wrong, love those movies. God, he was in almost all 

Todd: of them. 

Craig: I think he is in all of them.

All of them 

Todd: except the latest ones or whatever, when they kind of go 

Craig: to Creed. When they switched it to Creed’s Kid, right. But. He’s always the same. Like, he, the man doesn’t have any rage. And that’s alright, that’s fine. 

Todd: Like, what a lucky gig. Yeah, good for you, you’re famous. I know. When you need this kind of like, tough talking, wise cracking, wise guy, Brooklyn y, Italian American dude.

He’s the guy. Yeah, he’s great. And he milked it for all it was worth all over TV, all over movies. If you’re going to be an actor, you need to find a gig. You know, you need to specialize in one little thing and just milk that for all it’s worth. That’s the two kinds of acting. There’s the actors who have all this range and can do amazing things and seem to be able to disappear into any character.

And then there’s that other actor on the other end of the spectrum that gets wildly successful by just doing the same thing over and over again. And it’s just needed a lot. 

Craig: Sure. You know. Right. And honest to God, like, it’s been a long time. If you’re a new listener and you haven’t listened to the Amityville 2 episode, like, the episode I thought was fun, great, whatever, but you should watch that movie because it’s nuts.

It’s bananas. Crazy. 

Todd: Just when you can’t think it gets any weirder, you’re just like, Oh my god! 

Craig: And he’s good in it. He’s really, uh, angry.

Todd: He is 

Craig: hilarious in this movie because he’s just this side character that just pops up to be that guy. Hey, uh, I’m a, I’m a cup and, um, I’m cynical about things. 

Todd: Cynical and aloof about everything that’s going on. He’s 

Craig: hilarious. He just hangs out in the side. Like he has no, no impact on the plot whatsoever at all.

Like he, he’s just a, well, okay, you’re right at the end, but he’s just, uh, yeah, he’s just a side character to laugh at and I thought it was pretty funny. It was one of the few things that I found amusing. About this movie. 

Todd: But, you know, to be fair, and thank God for this anyway, A lot of times we get these, uh, tribute episodes And we dig out something that this actor has done And, uh, it turns out And they’re barely in it.

Like Kelly Preston in Christine.

Craig: I still feel bad about Kelly Preston. Oh, God. We did her dirty. We 

Todd: did her dirty. Well, we didn’t have any other choice, did we? No, I don’t think so. I mean, honestly, his best tribute episode would be, would have been Amityville, but David was still alive then. This time though, at least he’s in it a lot.

He’s in probably every third scene, but you know, you’re right. It’s like, what can you say about it? He’s playing that guy he always plays, uh, and he’s doing a fine job of it. So the movie, the movie that we’re doing is Blood Beach from 1981. And I admit I had high. I don’t know. My hopes were you did. 

Craig: No, you were excited.

Todd: I kind of was. No, this movie, this movie pops up every now and then in my consciousness for reasons I can’t explain or backtr I can’t figure it out. But for some reason this movie has always been in my consciousness as one of those. Early 80s horror movies that we need to get to because it seems interesting.

And I think it’s only because of the compelling poster art. It has a woman, with really freaky eyes, who is sinking into sand on a beach. And, obviously, something’s pulling her down into it or something like that. And I guess I’ve always thought, ah, that’s, that’s cool. Yeah. It’s like tremors, 

Craig: but No, it intentionally looks like Jaws, because that’s what it’s capitalizing.

It looks like a woman who’s I don’t remember what the Jaws poster was. She’s drowning in a I mean, it’s basically like she’s being attacked by a shark, except she’s not in the water. She’s on the beach, and she’s getting pulled down into the sand. And that’s what this movie tries to be. It just fails miserably.

Oh, 

Todd: God. Oh, God. 

Craig: But no, I was, I was excited about it, too. Because, I really like I don’t know, you seem to have some misconception that I don’t like old stupid 80s movies. I do! No, you do! That’s, that’s, yeah, that’s kind of my jam, like, I, I, I really like 80s movies. I’m super, super nostalgic for the 

Todd: 80s. I think once we go back towards the 70s is when you, uh, Yeah, 

Craig: yeah, a little bit.

Fair. But, I was kind of excited about this too, cause it’s 80s, you know, And I, I fully anticipated it being bad, and I was Oh yeah. I was stoked. I’m like, great! I love a bad 80s movie, that’s fantastic. And, uh, I read a review on IMDB, uh, that was like, This movie was awesome when I was 13, and it still is. And I was like, yes!

I am so excited. And then I watched it, and it’s just, it’s boring! It’s so 

Todd: boring! It is one of the most boring movies I have ever scene. I, I just don’t get it. There’s no blood. No, there’s a beach. Well, there’s, there’s, 

Craig: there’s that one scene. People get attacked by a monster in the sand, but you never really see it until the end.

And then you barely do. So it’s kind of just people like getting sucked into the sand and 

Todd: not often. 

Craig: No, not often. No, three or four times in the whole movie. I think that we were also a little bit Fascinated by quicksand in the 80s? 

Todd: That’s right. Or maybe just because we were kids in the 80s, we were fascinated by quicksand.

I don’t know. What happened to quicksand? Nobody ever talks about it anymore. I know. I used to think, you know, you needed to be careful walking down the street. You might fall into it, you 

Craig: know? Quicksand, you don’t, you don’t know, that’s scary stuff. But that’s kind of what it’s like. And there’s, you said there’s no blood.

But there is one scene where a girl is playfully At the beach buried in the sand and she’s like, ah, I think something’s biting my legs and and everybody freaks out and They pull her out of the sand and it looks like she’s had a menstrual emergency Like

There’s just blood all over her legs no wounds to be seen Just smeared blood all in her downstairs. I don’t even know where to begin with this movie because I don’t understand what was happening! Like, I thought, surely, well, it’s an underground sand monster and underground sand monsters need to eat, like, that’s logical.

I get it. But I don’t think that was what was going on at all. And ultimately, I don’t know what was happening. 

Todd: I don’t either. I didn’t know what was happening half the time. I did know, however, that there’s a couple here who seem to be rekindling a relationship that I have absolutely no interest in whatsoever.

That was 

Craig: weird too. Like he’s the main guy. The main guy’s name is Harry and he’s. 

Todd: Harbor Patrol? Yeah, L. A. City Harbor Patrol. I 

Craig: couldn’t figure out. Like, cause he was kind of palling around with the cops I’m like, is he a 

Todd: cop? I don’t get it. I had to read the patch on his shoulder to get that. He 

Craig: goes to work every morning by running out of his house in these little tiny bathing shorts and, like, some sort of life vest, I guess?

Yeah. That was my favorite part of the movie because he looked good in those little shorts. He had some nice legs, nice stomach. Mmm, hairy. He did. He’s a good looking man. I don’t even have the actor’s name written down. I don’t even know who that was. But every time. The dozen times that he runs out of his front door onto the beach in those little shorts, the same ones, he only has one pair.

I wonder if they filmed all of that on the same day, like, just, just keep running out of the house in your shorts. And, uh, we’ll film you and we’ll throw different people in. It’ll be like, it’s different times. 

Todd: Yeah, I think you’re about right on that one. Well, this guy, by the way, is David Huffman. And, uh, he was a pretty familiar face on television as is, I think almost every actor in this, in this movie.

It had a bit of the feel of a TV movie. Yeah, 

Craig: but there are a lot of famous people that pop up. 

Todd: There are. Well, David Huffman, um, he died, sadly, he died a few years after this, at, uh, he was only 39. This is his tribute episode. Yeah, there we go. 

Craig: He was only 39? What happened? 

Todd: That’s sad. There was a thief who broke into some couple’s motorhome as he was leaving, um, Okay, I will just read this to you.

He was bringing, this is, it’s kind of sad, really. He was bringing cookies to say farewell to his Of Mice and Men castmates. At the Old Globe Theatre. He spotted and chased a thief who had broken into a Canadian couple’s motorhome, and the thief stabbed him with a screwdriver. Oh, that’s terrible. He died.

Yeah, what a terrible, terrible way. He left two children and, and a spouse behind, and he was only 39, so um You know, that’s sad, but that is terrible at any rate. He’s in this movie and he’s got a great size.

Another fairly recognizable TV actress, Mariana Hill, uh, is his love interest. Now I didn’t recognize her from anything. Oh, I thought she had a very familiar face. You didn’t think so? 

Craig: I don’t know. Like, I, I feel like I popped onto her IMDb page and I just didn’t. Nothing resonated. I’ll 

Todd: tell you, uh, immediately I was like, She was in The Godfather, wasn’t she?

I was a little wrong. It wasn’t the first one, but it was the second one. She was Deanna Corleone, so 

Craig: Yeah, I, and, and, there was, I think, That’s, I remember that now, looking at her page. I think that there was like a, was there like a follow up Godfather series or something? I think, anyway 

Todd: More television, though, than movies.

Craig: Yeah, I, I’ve seen the Godfather movies, but I have not been obsessed with them the way that many men our age are, uh, so I don’t, I don’t, that, that doesn’t ring many bells with 

Todd: me. I’ve probably seen the second Godfather more than the first one, cause it’s A lot of people would say it was even better. Well, 

Craig: I intentionally sat down and watched the whole trilogy.

Like, because everybody else talked about how great it was, and like, it was this huge cultural phenomenon. So sometime in, uh, graduate school or just after, I, I intentionally sat down and watched them all. And I remember thinking, These are good movies. And that’s, that’s about all I remember, like, yep, 

Todd: yeah, good, good movies.

By that time, it’s kind of a suffering, like, you know, the movie that inspired so many other movies, by the time you get around to it later in life, you’ve probably seen so many of the other movies it inspired, that doesn’t feel as emotionally resonating or as groundbreaking as it did when it first came out.

I sort of feel like, now don’t get me wrong, actually. I have a different feeling about The Godfather. I still think it’s very I’m not obsessed with it, by any means, but It’s a movie that stuck with me for quite a while. But, uh, yeah, I mean, it’s inspired so many films since, and You know, that it kind of gets muddled in as just another mafia movie amongst the ones that came after, but, uh That first one, man, especially the ending, like, that kind of hit me hard.

I was like, I remember 

Craig: nothing about it. I, I just, I, I legit, I, I legit remember, I remember thinking, I get it. I get why people really like these movies. It’s good. And that’s all I 

Todd: remember about it. Alright. Well, anyway, Pauly. Yeah, well, 

Craig: yeah. Burt Young. Was he in those movies? There was a part of me that was like, Wait 

Todd: a minute, was Pauly in those movies?

God, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was, but, uh 

Craig: But he’s that kind of guy. He would work very well. Uh, as a mobster type guy. 

Todd: He was not in that movie, but he was in Serpico. He was in a lot of movies like it, for sure, right? 

Craig: And he’s in it, so, so Harry comes out in his little shorts, and he like, talks to this old lady, and she’s real nice, and she’s got a dog, and she’s like, Didn’t see you yesterday, hope you’re not getting lazy!

I got treated to a day off! I figured I may as well sleep in. Oh, that’s the way it always begins. This one day, and the beginning of the end. I’ll tell you what, figure a way to make it up, okay? There’s only one way for you to do that. You’re the only man I know who can swim to work. You might as well be the only one who swims back home.

He runs off into the water, because the big joke is that he swims to work. Like, isn’t he just at work? Like, doesn’t he live at, like I know. He lives on the beach. Which, by the way, I’m so f ing jealous. Like, I would kill to have his little house. Like, it’s a little house, but it’s right on the beach. That would probably sell for 15, 000, 000 today.

You’re right. But I love it. But he, she’s like, Oh, you’re swimming to work again, huh? And he’s like, yep. And he swims out and then she’s just walking her dog on the beach and then it’s like her, it’s like she steps in a hole. That’s what it looks like. It looks like she steps into a hole and she’s like, Oh no, I’ve stepped into a hole, but then she starts to panic and screaming for help.

And he hears her. I don’t really understand why he can’t see her. She he’s in the water. She’s on the beach. There’s nobody else around apparently. 

Todd: Well, he’s way out in the water. He’s swimming to work. I sort of feel like maybe he didn’t even hear her. Although. He says he did. 

Craig: Yeah. He tells the other cops.

He’s like, I heard her, but he couldn’t see her. Anyway, she gets sucked down into the ground. Kind of Tremors style, just not as exciting. Because it just 

Todd: doesn’t really show it. 

Craig: This monster basically manifests itself through the entirety of the movie until the last seven minutes as holes. 

Todd: Yeah. 

Craig: This is a scary movie about holes.

In the sand. That’s true. That sucked you in and, and who knows what happens after that. You just disappear and nobody knows where you are. Unless they maybe find like, an eyeball. 

Todd: There was an eyeball, yeah. I don’t get 

Craig: it. I don’t 

Todd: understand what’s happening. You know, it’s not very exciting either. That’s the problem.

Like, eat. Alright, getting sucked into the sand, like Tremors. Tremors was an exciting movie. I thought that was a terrifying notion that you could just like get sucked into the ground by some creature, but in this, it’s like they’re so low budget that there’s a shot of a woman who steps in a hole and then they cut to her screaming face and then they’ve obviously like Cut to another shot where they have put her in a hole and buried the sand around her so that she can scream some more and then, I don’t know, cut to her dog and then cut back to her and now her head’s in it, you know, it’s just no 

Craig: action.

No. I, I think that Spielberg got away with it because of the shark POV. Yes, yes, that built suspense. Like honest to God in Jaws in the first Jaws, you barely, you never see that shark really until the end. And here you don’t see the monster until the end, but Jaws works. The, the, the music. works. They try to copy that here, but it doesn’t work.

No, but I think it’s a lot. It’s the POV shots. It’s seeing the victim from a distance and getting closer and closer and seeing where and how they are vulnerable. 

Todd: And also like there’s thrashing and they get yanked. You know, I mean, there’s Right. In water you can do a lot more, it can seem real violent even though they’re really just splashing around and stuff.

Whereas here, oh my god, the sand, now it’s up to my head. Yeah. Then they go under, and nobody’s ever around. Almost never is anybody around when these people get sucked in. Just when that one girl gets bit. Otherwise, it’s just perfect timing that this creature gets people when they’re like the only frickin person on the beach within earshot of anyone else.

Craig: Right. Except for the crazy homeless lady who watches multiple people get sucked into the beach and just doesn’t say anything. 

Todd: She doesn’t care. I thought, I thought there’d be some twist, like she’s in collusion with this monster or 

Craig: something like that. Like she’s its mother. She’s just crazy. She just likes to watch people get sucked into the beach.

Honestly, God, like, I don’t know what to say about it, because then it’s just like, uh, kind of, I guess, a mystery. The girl that is the love interest, Harry’s love interest, is the old lady’s daughter. And so when Harry is telling the other cops, he’s like, I don’t know, she was there, and then she wasn’t. And they’re like, well, did you know her?

He’s like, yeah, I’ve known her for a long time. In fact, at one point, I was engaged to her daughter. What? Who cares? Like, and then Catherine shows up, and this was such a funny dynamic to me, because Catherine, she shows up, and they’ve got this history, and so like, there’s kind of this immediate thing between them.

But he’s banging a stewardess. Like, he has like a stewardess girlfriend. Uh, yeah. And, and I Maybe they weren’t like boyfriend girlfriend, but they were in a sexual relationship because we see them bang. Well, there was a scene. That scene was kind of hot. No, and wait! I have in my What Well, first of all, okay, so Catherine shows up.

She says hi to Harry. They have kind of chemistry or whatever, and then the Catherine runs into the homeless lady who watched her mother die. Mother tell you who the police about. Your mother, nothing. They don’t know anything. Not yet. They’re lying. Don’t be stupid, girl. Your mother was raped and murdered.

That’s not true. It’s true. It happens every day. They lie about it to keep their job over. They’re not fooling me. Look, look, look. That’s where she is caught up in very deep. So. 

Todd: What? Yeah, that woman. What the 

Craig: hell? That certainly didn’t happen. But then, there’s a scene with Marie, and I wish So Marie apparently is like, a Swedish flight attendant?

Who is just banging Harry when she’s in town, I think. How did you, 

Todd: how did you catch the flight attendant thing? I just saw this blonde woman show up and I had no explanation as to who she was or where she was. 

Craig: What’s the other guy’s name? There’s another guy’s name, Hoagy. Hoagy? Hoagy. Which I thought was hilarious because that was, um, a guy in Jaws 4.

Michael Caine’s character in Jaws 4. Oh, that’s right. But anyway, Hoagy, who is Harry’s friend, at one point answers the phone. And says something really weird and inappropriate but then hands it to Harry and it’s like, it’s the stewardess. And it’s, and it’s, and it’s Marie. And they plan on having a date later but she gets He’s sucked into a sandal, so he doesn’t go.

So he goes and bangs Catherine instead. But there was a conversation where they talked about Harry having a huge clock, and like, they like, they both side eyed each other and were like, yeah, I love your clock. It was so funny to me. What was 

Todd: that? She’s like, did you get your clock fixed? I don’t 

Craig: know, but it was a really, really funny dick joke.

And, um, I enjoyed it. And that’s the only line I remember from the movie. Because, though it is only 85 minutes long, It took away five years of my life. Like, it is the longest, most boring movie. And worse yet, we had been talking back and forth via text and email about what we were gonna do, but I had forgotten.

And I, so I scrolled back through our text and I, and I figured out that we were doing this movie. And so I, I looked up where you could watch it. And it was only available on one free streaming service that I had never used before. So I, you know, I signed, I signed up for this streaming service and I was watching it, but there were a minute and a half of commercials every like seven minutes.

No way. Yes. And so not only did I have to watch the whole movie, but like at least a half an hour worth of 

Todd: commercials. So apparently you just overlooked that YouTube link I sent you like a week 

Craig: ago. I know. And then, then after I had finished watching it, I was looking back and I, you’re like, it’s on YouTube.

I sent you a link. I was like, God damn it. 

Todd: Oh man. I’m sorry you had to do that. I don’t know. It wasn’t any more fun without the commerc Honestly, the commercials were probably more interesting than the movie. I I thought the movie was hard to see. You know, that scene that you said, uh, between him and the stewardess was hot.

I agree, kind of. Except, it was more like T’s and A, than T and A. Because I could barely see what was going on, cause the scene was so dark. Did you get that in your transfer, or was it just the YouTube one that I saw? 

Craig: Uh, I feel like I remember seeing boobs, um, but that’s not something that’s particularly memorable for me, so I could just be kind of making that up.

I do feel like I remember seeing the outline of his butt. No. I mean, I mean it was that. Kind of made for TV thing where it’s like we’ll show you Silhouettes that right suggest nudity without any actual. Yeah, nothing extreme I don’t know. I think I’m just like grasping for straws here because there’s there’s not much To talk about.

I mean, so they bang and then the dog’s head gets bit off . 

Todd: Yeah, they’re intercut with a, a woman out looking for a dog. And it’s Catherine 

Craig: that’s, it’s her, her mom. Remember her mom? 

Todd: I couldn’t even see, had 

Craig: that dog when she got sucked into the sand and now the dog is out like looking for its owner, I guess, and like pawing at the sand.

And when she goes out there. It looks like the dog’s just laying down, but she goes to, like, pet it, and it has no head. 

Todd: Yes, and that’s when, now everybody at the police station, the police detective, Polly’s character, I keep calling him Polly, Burt Young’s character, Royko, a black guy who’s like the d one of the detectives, there’s a white guy who’s kind of a detective, and then there’s I guess the police chief is John Saxon.

They all kind of come and go and are in different groups. And it 

Craig: doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. They’re just cops. Like, yeah, the cops. are on it. And, uh, John Saxon, again, like I say, famous people pop up in this, and they don’t, he’s not like an A list celebrity or whatever, but I certainly recognize him from the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise.

He was Heather Langenkamp’s dad. 

Todd: Um, and some of the Italian movies that we’ve done, he’s been in. He’s done a 

Craig: bunch. Yeah, he’s done a lot of genre movies. Uh, and I like him, but he’s just, uh, Black Christmas? Oof. I don’t want to say that he doesn’t have any range, I don’t know, I believe that he actually might.

But, it seems like he’s always cast in the same role. Some cop. He could, some cop. Like, he could be playing Nancy’s dad from Nightmare on Elm Street in this movie. Like, they moved and now he works here. It’s the same character. 

Todd: Right. He’s under the sand. Oh shit. And he’s 

Craig: very serious. And he wants to get to the bottom of it, and so, like, they’re, like, digging with, what do you call those, uh, like, uh, like, excavators, like, yeah, like, backhoes, on the beach, and, um, the kids, they’re, some reporter, Interviews these kids on the beach and they’re like, aren’t you scared?

And they’re like, oh, I don’t know. Maybe So dumb, but then they’re like blood beach, man Like they’re calling this blood beach and they’re saying that there’s a creature on blood beach, but nobody really cares 

Todd: No, the beach is chock full of people. Well, he does call them out on that But you know, but they are 

Craig: like this is it’s such a This is one of a whole gaggle of movies that tried to capitalize on Jaws.

Yeah, this movie is Jaws, it’s just that the shark is in the sand and not in the water and, and just like in Jaws, the cops are kind of trying to keep it hush hush, but people have been getting attacked by sharks and it doesn’t matter, like the beach is still right. Thriving like people are out 

Todd: there. You talk about that The tagline on the poster is a takeoff on the jaws thing So dumb, just what you thought it was safe to go back in the water.

You can’t get to it 

Craig: You and I could brainstorm a better tagline in five minutes. That was terrible. But what did I get it? I get it. No, I get it. Like they’re capitalizing on it and it makes sense. I get it, 

Todd: but it’s just not, there’s no suspense. No. 

Craig: And like, even you, you don’t even care when things happen.

So Hoagie, who I’ve already mentioned is the night Harbor guard and he and his girlfriend have a musical number. Two of them. Oh, yeah. 

Todd: In the movie. At a bar or something. 

Craig: Yeah. Hokey’s girlfriend leaves him and goes walking on the beach because I think she sees an injured bird or something. So dumb. And then she legit gets attacked by 

Todd: A rapist, basically.

A rapist. Right. Who tries to tear his shirt off. And so that’s our TNA in the movie, by the way. I 

Craig: think that the implication is that this rapist has his dick. Yeah. Like, he’s ready for some rapin and he’s got his dick out, but she fights him a little bit, and then he falls down face first on the ground, and I guess because his dick was already out, the monster just bites it clean off.

Well, 

Todd: this is so poorly staged, this thing, because he’s been wrestling with her on the ground, he tears her shirt, she starts to get away, but she doesn’t, she just kinda scampers up about six feet ahead of him, and then turns around and pauses for a while, while he, like, Like a cartoon character leering at her is slowly crawling towards her in the sand.

I mean, this girl just needs to stand up and walk 

Craig: away. Run! Yeah. It’s kind of a fat guy. He can’t chase you. It’s just like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 

Todd: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah When the cops are back together again, sittin on the beach, a couple of kids run by and toss something at Royko.

And say, We found his wiener! 

Craig: Was that supposed to be real? Did they really toss that 

Todd: guy’s dick to the cop? I have no idea. Because he reacted like they did. Yeah, 

Craig: like he re like, at first I thought that, oh, it’s just kids playing a joke, like they threw him a hot dog or something, but then he acted like it was a cock, like he was 

Todd: disgusted by it.

It was so funny. And then, and then after this, we get Dr. Dimitri again, who we saw earlier, who gave some opinion about the dog, and this guy. Oh my god, his style of um, of acting is really interesting. It’s lots of long pauses to make himself sound 

Craig: smart. Did he have an accent? Because he reminded me of like in a spoof where you would have like, like a silly German scientist who would explain things 

Todd: to you.

It was like so over the top weird that I thought it was supposed to be a joke. It could be a creature who perhaps came up from the sea. And now, he’s living in moist places. 

Craig: That was terrible! Oh my god! It is an evolution. Like, like, it’s an evolving He knows 

Todd: nothing. No, he’s an idiot. He has no evidence to go on.

All they know is that some people are getting bit by something in the ground. And this guy comes up with all these crazy explanations. It was right after this. 

Craig: I have no context for it. But I just have in my notes, someone says Useless as Whiskers on a Sausage. What does that mean? What? Who wrote 

Todd: that?

John Saxon said it, I thought it was great. 

Craig: Somebody wrote that line, and they put it in the movie. Useless as whiskers on a sausage. I don’t even know what he’s talking about. No idea. But that was the most outstanding part. Like, that’s the part of this, that’s what I will 

Todd: take away. Jeffrey Blum is the writer director of this movie.

And, um, he wrote the screenplay for Flowers in the Attic. Yes! And directed it! That movie was pretty good, wasn’t 

Craig: it? I thought No. It’s really not, but I know, I know why you say that because I was very fond of that movie. As well as a child you and I have talked about doing it on the show and I really think that we should sometime Because it’s really not a horror movie, but I feel like vc andrews was such a part of my adolescence Those were the smut novels that I read And and I read all I read that whole series except for the last one, which was a prequel about the grandma I didn’t care about that, but I read that whole series and they’re so smutty.

They are the smuttiest Well, probably not. There’s probably smuttier, but they’re the smuttiest stuff that I’ve ever read and I loved them. Like, you know, I’m like 13 years old reading about like Torrid sex and oh man, and I really liked that movie in this movie. I don’t know Honestly, if we ever do that movie if we ever watch it again The way that it’s shot is pretty pedestrian.

It’s, it’s, it’s kind of like this. It feels very much like a TV movie. I just think that that, that story is compelling. Yeah. Everybody knows, everybody knows how much I love Christy Swanson. But she was good in that movie. I, I really liked her. Um, and it was, it was A compelling story. We’re gonna have to get around to it.

Much more compelling than this dumb movie. Oh, yeah. And this dumb movie, this dumb movie, where Harry is making Well, first of all, he’s talking to Catherine in a scene where the boom mic is clearly evident in the top of the frame. That’s, come on you guys, reframe the shot, do something. But then, he’s cooking dinner.

Tell me that I saw this wrong. He has an enormous At least three or four foot long loaf of bread. And he pulls it out of the plastic bag, rips the end off of it, and then, if I’m not mistaken, takes a celery stick, shoves it into the bread, and then takes a bite of it. Did that really happen? I’m pretty 

Todd: sure it happened, yeah.

That was, uh Oh my god, this dinner scene. What 

Craig: the fuck? Who does that? That is business. That is like, I’m an actor and I don’t have anything else to do. And I’m gonna shove this celery stick into this bread and take a bite of it. It was insane. 

Todd: Everything about this. The movie is You know, Blood Beach, we’ve been talking about this monster, but really there’s very little of this monster or these monster incidents in the movie.

And when they do happen, they happen to people who we just met about a minute before they get sucked into the scene. Except for this next one. Except for the next one, but my point is we have to endure What is essentially two parallel stories going on here. This investigation, which is not an investigation.

No. Because there’s nothing to investigate. They dig them the sand, they find an eyeball. 

Craig: Yeah. Yeah. No, not yet. That’s 

Todd: this girl. Yeah. They’ll find, yeah, they’ll find an eyeball in a minute. We’ll get to that. And that’s it. But like, what else are they gonna do? It’s not like, they’ve closed the beach. That’s as much as they can do.

An eyeball 

Craig: and a wiener. These are the things that they find. And then at some point Oh God. Okay. All right. So this Marie, the girl, it, it was only because I think that I was watching this for the podcast that I would even know this because we barely met Marie in the beginning. And then she shows up again.

She’s supposed to be meeting Harry for dinner, but her hat blows off onto the beach. 

Todd: Her bandit starts to get trapped. 

Craig: And this, it was so funny to me because it was clearly somebody was on the other side of the camera with a fishing pole. 

Todd: Pulling that hat along, there was no wind. No, and 

Craig: it did not look like it was being blown at all.

It looked like it was being dragged. So she chases it and then she gets sucked in now. Hold up. Okay. So, because I watched this on a streaming service and when the title came up, it said blood beach extended. And uncut. Did yours say that too? 

Todd: Not sure. It said something in German. That’s what mine said. 

Craig: What I wonder, because I read that they had to cut some of the attack footage for the rating.

I don’t even know what it’s rated. No way. Um, but in this scene, she is fully dressed and then she gets pulled down under the sand and there is a three second scene of her writhing around in what appears to be an underground room? 

Todd: What? No, I didn’t see this. Fully 

Craig: nude! What? Yes, covered in blood and guck and fully nude, writhing around for like three seconds and there’s like one shot.

of the monster, so you can kind of see that it’s kind of plant like in nature. You didn’t see that? You would remember it if you had seen it. I think that must have been something that was cut and that was put back in. It doesn’t make any sense in the moment, because she gets pulled down through the sand, fully clothed, nothing wrong with her, then immediately, fully nude, covered in blood and gook, writhing around, and then cut to the next scene.

Now, ultimately, we find out that whatever this is, is just keeping people somewhere. I’m mad about it. Because it doesn’t make any sense. Um, because Marie doesn’t show up for dinner, Harry goes over to Catherine’s house and they have a lot of Chemistry, I don’t know, whatever. But then the next day, he comes out in his cute little shorts, and he finds Marie’s car and her hat, and that’s when they, they like, dig and they find her eyeball, and Polly, Polly’s like, Hey, uh, what color eyes did your girl have?

I mean

Todd: Oh no! Well, when Paulie isn’t talking about how they won’t take this kind of shit in Chicago, uh, he’s making dumb quips like this. This is what I was trying to say is, so you’ve got this thread, you’ve got this thread with the detectives that is silly, because there’s nothing really they can do and it’s not going anywhere, but there sure is a lot of consternation.

There’s even meeting with the mayor, well, the council. Person or whatever who’s been withholding money from the police department and is bitching at them about how they’re spending all this money to Investigate and nothing’s happening. So she’s gonna cut their money and then because somebody famous crawls.

Oh god. That’s what happened Somebody crawls out of the sewer. 

Craig: Yeah, a guy, a guy with a metal detector on the beach gets sucked down. And his wife, like, talks to the police and stuff. Young’s character. 

Todd: And that was such a bizarre scene. Again, I think they were trying to make it funny? But it went on really long.

Craig: Okay. How about shoes? We’ll start from the ground up. Was he wearing shoes? Oh, yes. Um. He was wearing his white mesh slip on casuals with the you know the kind that have the rope so. Oh. I know the kind. Brown socks. The nylon executive type. Pardon me, ma’am. I’m not familiar with those socks. I’m sorry, they’re the, um, they’re the kind that come up fairly high so that if you’re, uh, if you’re wearing a suit, you should have it across your legs.

Well, then your, your leg won’t be showing. Okay, go on. Uh, blue and red. Madress. Bermudas. Bleeding Madras. They were kind of old, but you know, they were his favorite pair. They were still in good condition, but you know how with Madras, after a few washings, you know, colors kind of start to fade together. That happens to me.

Uh, any jewelry? 

Todd: She spends like ten minutes describing his clothing in detail, and he’s like amused by it. At 

Craig: some point Harry like goes looking around the pier and he finds like an underground lair. Yeah. But he doesn’t find the creature and so like he kind of walks away from it. But I think that we’re to believe that the creature is down there, he just didn’t find it.

And then the metal detector guy gets attacked and they talk about how there have been lots of sightings. of a monster, but they’re all different descriptions. And then Pauly eats a cheeseburger. Like, like that was a whole scene. Like a whole scene of him eating a cheeseburger. It’s true. And then the metal detector guy crawls out from a manhole.

That was him? Yes, that was the metal detector guy. He crawls out from a manhole and he’s all covered in gook and stuff. And then, like, the cops are talking to the press, and Pauly says to the press, in a very callous way, that he has significant Not he, not Pauly, the manhole guy. He says, Yeah, the doctors, uh, they don’t know when he’ll be able to tell us anything because, uh, he’s got significant brain damage And, uh, his tongue’s ripped out.

What?! 

Todd: Like a, like a vegetable soup up there. 

Craig: What?! That’s exactly it, like, what do you mean braindead? Like a, like a vegetable soup. What? What is happening? Why? Why is something, why is some creature pulling people down into the ground to excise specific body parts? Body 

Todd: parts! That’s true, right? Because Spoiler alert, we get to their la Oh, it’s not a spoiler.

Is it wet? Oh, Bag Lady. Who discovers Hoagy Hoagy! 

Craig: Oh my god. Hoagy gives a monologue. This was hilarious to me! So funny! For some reason, Hoagy, who is this weird guy with a who just, he’s the night watchman for the harbor or whatever, but anytime he shows up, it’s for a musical night. He sings two songs in this movie, but then in this part, it’s during the day and he chases for reasons I don’t understand.

I guess the beach is closed. Yeah. Yeah. The, the bag lady, the homeless lady is on the beach and he follows her. And then he gives a long monologue. He’s like, kind of sad away. Things have changed. I’m a, you know, you and me can still remember when all this was wide open down here, no fences, no trash, no whiskey bottles.

Remember that

wasn’t too long ago. I used to come down here all the time, right here under the pier, just to sit watch, listen. Timbers and then he gets pulled under the sands by whatever this creature is. And the homeless lady just watches. This is like the third person she’s just stood by and watched to get sucked into the sand.

Oh my God. And then Harry talks to the, the black cop, his name. I looked up his name on IMDb. It’s like. Piantadosa. Uh, Lieutenant Piantadosa. But they all just call him Piano. What? Like, like, they can’t pronounce his name? So they just call him Piano? Okay, whatever. But, but Harry’s like, Oh yeah, there was this like, uh, basement where we used to play when we were kids.

Todd: What it’s like in an old building, I guess there used to be a Merry-go-round. You know, it’s one of these like peer side attraction buildings or whatever that he just gets the urge to go and explore as you had said earlier. 

Craig: But isn’t it the Yeah, it’s the same place that he looked at before. Yeah, and, 

Todd: and I couldn’t understand why he was interested in, I mean, obviously.

They had this, um, he and Kat were talking and had this really, really dumb back and forth conversation. 

Craig: It’s got to have a place to go back to. Almost every living thing does, right? Every living thing, but then our imagination, yeah. You’ve got to be grounded to something. For reality and imagination.

There haven’t been any patterns, though, have there? Nothing that anybody’s been able to figure out. Hit and run. Here, there, anywhere. Not anywhere. Never above the ground.

No, not above the ground. So, if you’re right, if there is a place where this, this lives, then chances 

Todd: are it’s below sea level. And so then, I think, I think he’s sort of hunting for places underground. He finds a cellar in that place and he goes under, but it’s super dark. She’s also 

Craig: there. They’re there secretly.

Well, 

Todd: she comes later. This was when he first came in and discovered it. He’s walking through there and he finds something. But we don’t see it. It’s like a crack in the wall. Yeah light is coming 

Craig: through but he doesn’t even like Investigate it like no, we see it. Yeah, we see this crack in the wall with something like glowing behind it Oh and it 

Todd: zooms in on the crack and stuff, like it’s really significant.

I’m waiting for something to happen or for a shadow to dance across it or something. 

Craig: Nothing. Nothing happens. But eventually they end up going back down there and independent of one another, but at the same time, like Catherine goes down there. I don’t even remember why she’s 

Todd: there. She just stares. She’s walking along the beach.

She looks over at it and just kind of walks up to the chain link fence and kind of stares at it. Wistfully, like it was a place she used to go to, and was like, Huh, maybe I’ll go 

Craig: explore that. And then she’s in there, and then Harry and Piano are there at the same time. And then she discovers her mother’s severed head!

And then a whole shelf of bodies and body parts. 

Todd: Fall on her now. Come on. What is happening, Todd? I don’t understand. I have no idea 

Craig: I like apparently this creature is not eating these people It’s just a serial killer and it’s keeping all of their bodies It doesn’t make any sense taking 

Todd: pieces of them apart and stashing them in this shelf under the ground 

Craig: And then that, they’re all down there, and that dumbass doctor is like, Oh, look at this indentation on the floor.

This is where it slept, and it will be back. 

Todd: Mmm, so then, uh, John Saxon’s character is like, What are we gonna do? Uh, we’re gonna come in here, I want 15 different cameras on this thing, and as soon as it surfaces, Uh, I want to be able to press a button and blow it up, so get demolition down here and wire this thing up.

And so, now, we’re going into some surveillance room, where they have, you know, eight monitors up, and everybody is staring at a black blob on the screen. I couldn’t tell what this was, what they were looking at. They were supposed 

Craig: to be like, infrared cameras or something. Just set up regular cameras, like, wha Why does it have to be infrared?

I don’t know, whatever. But they also, they talk about how they have found 16 bodies. 16! And, uh, that’s, that’s news to me. And then that dumb, that dumb doctor talks to Pauly and is like, Uh, I don’t know what this creature is, but uh, maybe Maybe it has regenerative properties. Uh, if, if we blow it up and it is in a million pieces, then what happens to those million pieces?

Jesus, come on. This is so f ing stupid. And they only say that so that then they’re waiting for it to come back. And it does. And the creature arrives. And screams? 

Todd: The creature, which to me, looks like a papier mâché flower. 

Craig: Yeah, I read somewhere that it looks like a Venus flytrap. No, it doesn’t. Like, it’s just a big, gaping maw.

It does look like a plant. Like, that’s also what’s weird. Is it a plant? I don’t know what it 

Todd: is. It looks like a giant flower. Just a bunch of petals. Yeah, with 

Craig: like a, like a uvula, or like a dick in the middle. But 

Todd: it doesn’t really move, it look kinda like No! If it’s around a little bit, the lights flash across it, and it screams, and It just appears.

It’s not like it emerges and opens up or starts snapping at people. No! It’s just there. We 

Craig: see it for a mere seconds until Pauly sneaks outside and triggers a series of bombs with his foot? What? Is there’s a foot trigger for the 

Todd: series? What was the deal when the somebody was saying, no, stop him. 

Craig: There was, that was the doctor.

I think that the doctor is legit scared that if they blow it up, then it’s going to be in a million pieces and then it will regenerate, which I believe we’re led to think is true. Because when it explodes, it turns into a million. Tiny, sparkly 

Todd: particles. Oh, now I understand what that glitter going across the screen was.

I think that’s a I had no idea I just thought that was a creative, like, uh, transition thing where they were trying to be stylish. 

Craig: No, I think that was supposed to be like the parts of the thing that blew up and are now spreading all over because the next thing we see is just a day at the beach and everybody’s there and hanging out, but Next to everybody, all these little holes start popping up.

Even 

Todd: that was humorous because this sequence goes on forever. It’s like the horror movie that has the zinger at the end. Yeah. Right? Ah, the monster’s still there, except this movie has seven zingers. One right after the other. Oh, you see a hole appear next to somebody. Now it pans next to somebody else and it pans around very, very slowly and suddenly a hole appears and then it happens again.

And I was like, oh my God, come on. Do we really? Are they just extending this for time? And eventually the credits go? Yeah, no, I 

Craig: think it was, it was supposed to be clever. You know, they exacerbated their problem now. There are tons of these, whatever the fuck they are. God, this movie was like, I feel like us talking about it.

I hope so, listeners, that us talking about it was way more interesting than watching it. Don’t watch this. It’s bad. 

Todd: No, it’s bad. It’s boring. It commits the worst sin of just being boring. There’s just a police procedural. And this little drama between these two people, who are clearly hot for each other anyway, that you don’t care about their relationship, or what happens to them.

They’re not interesting. Right. 

Craig: That’s not to say that anybody in particular, especially the actors, it’s not to say that anybody did a particularly bad job. Oh no, it’s just the writing. They were fine. It was just a Boring movie. The story is boring and it’s so low budget. Like the concept is okay. Like sure.

Like a sand shark kind of, and that’s fine. Great. I’m down, but it’s boring. Every once in a while, somebody gets sucked into the sand. You don’t see anything. 

Todd: It’s terrible. It’s chock full of just mind bogglingly filler scenes. Like. My favorite one. My favorite one was toward the end when the Captain and the, what, Piano, I guess, are standing and eating hot dogs.

They’re waiting for the monster or something like that. You know something, 

Craig: Piano? What’s that, Captain? No men don’t believe in monsters. No, sir. They don’t. I remember that scene. He’s just standing against a wall eating a hot dog. 

Todd: What? 

Craig: Oh boy. We already said there was a whole other scene where What’s His Name was just eating a cheeseburger and talking about it.

Like, here’s a scene. I’m gonna eat this cheeseburger and talk about it. Like, 

Todd: oh my god. God bless Burt Young. At least he got a Pretty slick payday from this, I imagine, cause he’s in it so much. He’s got enough lines and he can chew the scenery being his guy. And he’s, he’s 

Craig: basically a cameo. Like he doesn’t, the, I said in the beginning, he doesn’t contribute to the plot.

Yeah. He steps on the trigger for the bomb at the ends and that’s significant to the plot, but that’s it. That’s, he could just, that whole character could just not even exist and it wouldn’t make any difference. That. That could almost be said of any of these people. And I didn’t, I didn’t care. Like, Harry was cute to look at in those little shorts, but I couldn’t care less about him and Catherine.

Get Catherine the f out of here. Who cares? Nobody cares 

Todd: about her. Her 

Craig: part has, like, Oh, she said about her mom, and then she, her mom’s head falls off. I don’t care. Nobody cares. Oh my god. It’s a bad movie. Well, 

Todd: we’re not alone. The movie did not do well when it came out. It was You’re kidding. It was mostly critically panned.

I think it got like a 17 or 13 percent on the Rotten Tomatoes score right now. People claim it has a cult following. Like you said, I’m sure that when you were four years old and you saw this, like, uh, If you you happened to if you if you were awake, if you could manage to stay awake through all this other bullshit, you would see somebody get sucked under the sand and think that’s scary.

That’s it. I mean, there’s nothing There’s nothing interesting about this movie. I was bored watching it. Me too. I was almost so bored I was angry. 

Craig: Oh, I was barely paying attention. Like, I was looking at the internet and like, yeah, I’m not missing anything. Oh, man. Well. But, but, but Burt Young. Who? Burt Young!

Tribute to you, sir. I, and, and, you know, in all seriousness, I have Very much enjoy, you know, I haven’t seen him in a lot, but I grew up with those Rocky movies, and I liked them. Um, They’re of varying quality, the sequels, but I enjoyed them all, uh, and, and honestly, like, Sylvester Stallone seems, like, you look at him, you hear him talk, he seems like a big dummy, and he’s not.

He’s a really smart guy, and he’s a good writer, and those, you know, he wrote, That first movie oh, yeah, and and started it and I don’t remember I know that he wrote at least a couple of the other ones I know he wrote three and I liked I liked them all. Even the silly ones, like where he fights the Russian and he has a robot and stuff.

Like, I still enjoyed it, and I really enjoyed Burt Young in those movies. He was an asshole. He played an asshole. But Like the asshole who’s your family and you also love and you because he He’s a good guy. Yeah, he’s a good guy. He’s just kind of a dick. Yeah But I did like him in those movies Amityville 2 was a crazy crazy movie and he was he’ll watch that he was he was great.

He was great in it He was so like me angry and scary like from the beginning like even before the house started like having an effect on him, like, as soon as they showed up, he’s crazy. Yeah, it was fun to watch. So tribute to him, you know, in all. Uh, props to Burt Young. This is a shitty movie. Don’t watch it.

But, um, watch Amityville 2 or the Rocky movies cause, uh, he’s a fun guy to watch. 

Todd: Couldn’t have said it better myself. Well, thank you again listeners for listening to another episode. If you enjoyed it, please share with a friend. You can look us up online. Just google Two Guys and a Chainsaw podcast, find our website, find all of our social media, leave us a message, let us know.

what you would like us to cover in the future. And also check out our Patreon page at patreon.com/ChainsawPodcast and consider throwing a few bucks our way each month. That will get you access to our unedited episodes as well as a lot of other goodies. We’re putting minisos up there, we’re putting reviews up there, we have a lot of dialogue back and forth.

And of course, you get to help shape the future of the podcast by choosing which requests we do. And we do have a month coming up, a theme month plan that was chosen by our patrons. It’s gonna be all Child’s {lay, so it’s only going up from here. Until next time, I’m Todd. And I’m Craig. With Two Guys and a Chainsaw.


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