Scary Movie (1991)

Scary Movie (1991)

scary movie still

Happy Halloween! Not to be confused with the Wayans’ horror-comedy of the same name, our Patrons chose the obscure 1991 independent film, Scary Movie, for us to review on this special day.

This fascinating movie was a labor of love for 19 year-old writer-director Daniel Erickson, who seemed to bring together the entire acting community of Austin, Texas, to fulfill a piece of his vision. Starring a fresh-faced John Hawkes, Butch Patrick (Eddie Munster) and a supporting cast of nobodies, the film has a lot of grit and heart, but ultimately…well, we thought it was a bit of a slog, despite the shock ending.

Still, Halloween spirit abounds. If you’ve ever enjoyed a haunted attraction in rural America during this time of year, this will at the very least transport you right back to that place.

Happy Halloween, everyone! Stay safe out there.

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Scary Movie (1991)

Episode 266, 2 Guys and a Chainsaw

Todd: Hello and welcome to another episode of Two Guys and a Chainsaw. I’m Todd.

Craig: And I’m Craig.

Todd: And here we are, Craig, at Halloween, finally! This was one of those great months where, uh, we got to squeeze five in instead of four. I 

Craig: know, but, it’s weird, like, this is a long Halloween month and I still feel like it’s snuck up on me.

Like, I feel like I haven’t done enough fun things. I haven’t even watched Hocus Pocus once. 

Todd: What? What? No, that is unbelievable. I thought that was your Halloween tradition. It totally is. I thought that was like, you know, 

Craig: September 30th. Nah, we’ll get it in. You still got 

Todd: time. Yeah. You have hours. You can do it.

Yeah. We’ll cut this short. We might have to anyway. Oh boy. So, uh, as you might remember from our last episode, we decided for the last two weeks of this month that we would put it to our patrons, uh, to decide which among about a half dozen or so, um, movies that we had isolated from our long list, which ones they would like us to do.

And this movie had been recently recommended a couple times and, uh, I was Kind of happy that it got picked because I had seen it on some lists of Halloween horror movies that you need to check out And I knew I had never seen it before. It is 1991’s Scary movie, not to be confused with the 2000 or 2001 film, Scary Movie, with the Weyand Brothers.

Right. Which is a comedy. This is not a comedy. This is like a decade, about a decade before, and… It’s not? It’s not a 

Craig: comedy? What is it that I don’t get it. I know, 

Todd: right? Fair enough. It’s almost an unintentional comedy. Actually, I think there’s probably some There’s quite a bit of intentional comedy in here, but the whole movie So there’s a reason why we haven’t seen it before.

This movie has languished in obscurity because it turns out it was a 19 year old’s film. Is 

Craig: that true? Yeah. A 19 year old kid made it? 

Todd: Fine. Nineteen year old adult. I think you’re technically an adult after you, uh, No, you’re a kid. you’re nineteen. You turn eighteen, right? 

Craig: I don’t, you know, legally, shmeagly, you’re a child when you’re nineteen 

Todd: years old.

Daniel Erickson. Does that explain some things, though? Does that give you a different take on 

Craig: the movie? I guess. I honestly didn’t know that until you just said it, and… It tracks. Like… Yeah. It looks like something a 19 year old would throw together. 

Todd: You remember what the other movie we saw that this was giving me vibes of, except I liked the other movie a lot more.

Is it Don’t Go in the Woods? There’s Nothing Out There… Oh God. Oh god, no. It 

Craig: was so, it, there, it was like a little glowing alien and lots of throwing cats. Is that what you’re, is that the movie you’re talking about? 

Todd: Yeah, it was also done by like an 18 or 19 year old guy with a script he wrote when he was 16. But his parents were editors.

Is that the 

Craig: one that they say that like, scream? Stole from it, like 

Todd: Yeah. It got meta, where, you know, there were moments in there where they were talking about Like, there was a character in there that talked about scary movies. They broke the fourth wall, yeah. Yeah, there were weird things where they would jump up and swing from the boom mic to get away from the alien and stuff.

I had seen that movie before we watched it, and I really thought it was charming, even though it’s not a good It’s not a great movie, it just has a lot of heart. And especially when you hear the story behind it, it’s like, oh yeah, that, that was pretty fun. Like, you could just imagine yourself with your buddies, gathering up the resources to shoot a movie over a couple weeks.

I mean, I’ve done that myself. 

Craig: Right. It was dumb too. Like, it was dumb too, but it was goofy and funny and fun and Yeah, like honest to God. I watched this movie 24 hours ago. I don’t remember anything about it. It is terrible like I have a page full of notes. They make no sense to me. I have no Boy like

I had never heard of it You know, I didn’t one of the options for our vote was Halloween for and I was all I wanted to do Halloween 4. I was all excited about it. My friend 

Todd: Paul Rudd is in it. You were really sure that they would. I know. It was close. Yeah, 

Craig: it was close. 

Todd: We have to honor the votes. Yeah, no recounting on this one.

I know. Don’t storm the Capitol on this vote. And 

Craig: so whatever. I had never heard of it, but I’m like, okay, fine. Give it a shot. We do like old movies. You know, I think uh, what the truth is, is that our patrons Like when we do terrible movies because sometimes those end up being really fun episodes and I don’t disagree They do sometimes end up being really fun episodes, but oh my god, you’re not paying us enough

Like we’re gonna have to like bump up the premium or something because Movie, I swear took a year off 

Todd: my life. I finished the movie And I got online immediately to text you just to see that you had texted me about an hour before that saying that you were in the middle of watching it. Yeah, you were like, this movie is horrible.

And I was like, yeah, this may go down as this is a strong contender for one of the worst movies we’ve ever seen. That being said, we have not. We’ve seen some dreck. We still have avoided the dreck of the 

Craig: dreck. Oh, yeah, there’s way worse, I guess. There’s 

Todd: worse, you know, there’s shot to video garbage out there.

There’s so much garbage out there that we haven’t even touched with a 10 foot pole. That’s true. It would certainly rank well above this on the scale of worst movies of all time. So, it’s, it’s not entirely fair to trash this movie and say it’s the worst thing we’ve ever seen. So far, as far as I’m concerned, that still goes to…

The Within the Woods movie, because that movie, that movie was so incompetent and so loony and the acting was horrible. The acting in this movie, by comparison, is several notches above. 

Craig: I’m not sure that I agree that it was worse than this movie, but I will agree that it was a bad movie. But again, it was still kind of fun to watch, because it was…

Such a mess. Yeah, and so silly this movie isn’t even fun to watch like out of the gate I’m telling y’all skip it like it is a waste of your time Those terrible movies, especially like, you know, the really really cheap stuff that gets made today with attractive actors with no talent at all You know, I I accidentally put one of those on every once in a while and I can tell within the first five or ten Minutes.

No, this is Awful. I’m not going to sit through this. That’s how I felt with this movie. I swear to God, without a doubt, I would have turned it off if we weren’t watching it for this. I would have turned it off and never looked back and I wish that I had had that 

Todd: opportunity. But we are dedicated to the craft.

Craig: know, I know. So I had to like rage watch it now. Uh, it was, it was disappointing. I don’t know. Like I, I, I try to find something, something nice to say, and I just can’t think of anything in this movie. It’s, it’s boring. The story is really stupid. Nothing happens. At the end, spoiler alert, I won’t say exactly, but you find out that Nothing really did happen.

Nothing really did! Nothing 

Todd: happened! This is one of those times when you say nothing happens and it’s the absolute truth. I have to say, after reading about And I had this feeling, I was like, this movie comes across as some very inexperienced person’s labor of love. Like the whole community got together to help out some poor schlub who, gosh darn it, wanted to make a movie.

I saw that in the very, what, there are two trivia things on IMDB? And one thing says that the mayor of Austin, Texas, in 1991 when this premiered, In one theater, which I think is all it ever premiered in, declared that day as Scary Movie Day because of the boon to the Austin film community that this movie was.

And I have to admit I have to admit The economy. Yeah, I mean, it employed people. Right. You know, the movie was shot on film. You know, it’s, it’s One of the things I noticed immediately was it’s 16 millimeter. You know, cause it’s a square screen, it’s pretty grainy. I was like, alright, definite. Old school, 60mm, independent film vibes.

Lots of people in this movie, almost none of whom are experienced actors. And then, the people who are experienced actors, or have at least some promise, are not doing very well. They’re quite early in their career, in this movie. We’ll get to that in a second. Yeah, okay. And then, it just comes across as, I think there are ideas here.

Like, On paper, I think the script looked intriguing. And I think that got everybody on board. And if you were to pitch this movie and this idea to someone, it would be very intriguing. And it would be a bit unique. The twist is pretty unique. I think the movie had a lot of potential, and I think that there is the…

There is some style behind it. This is why I rank it better than Don’t Go Into The Woods. I thought Don’t Go Into The Woods was just sloppy. It was a mess of a movie. It wasn’t shot in a compelling way. It had no style. This is really going for style. Like, there are shots in here where if you froze the frame and you looked at it, you’re like, oh, that’s nice.

Like, the lighting is good and there’s smoke where it needs to be and there’s good composition here and 

Craig: Oh my god, there’s smoke where it needs to be? You mean everywhere? Like, they just had a fog 

Todd: machine on. I mean, other times you’d freeze the frame and you’d just see white smoke. You’re 

Craig: being far too kind.

I thought this cinematography was pedestrian at best. Like, I didn’t think that there was anything compelling going on there. It 

Todd: was pedestrian, but it had its moments, and my point is, somebody was trying. They were failing, but I could see that somebody was trying, and probably learned a lot along the way.

I mean, sure. You know what 

Craig: I’m saying? Yeah, I mean, if one of my high school kids made me this, like, made this movie, and showed it to me, I’d be like, damn, 

Todd: good job! Like… Right? Wait, good for you! 

Craig: But… 

Todd: And that’s… That’s basically what it was. I 

Craig: guess. I guess. And if we’re gonna, if that’s the standard by which we’re gonna judge it, great.

Good job, 

Todd: kid. Yeah, that out of the way. Yeah, that out of the way. Objectively speaking, it is. It is mind numbingly boring. 

Craig: I mean, I have no idea who funded this movie, but you should’ve, like, you should know when the very, very first thing that you see is the credits and it says, generic movies. That’s the name of the production company, like, I should’ve known.

I should’ve 

Todd: just turned it off. You know what though? I think this movie is trying really hard to be clever. I think that’s intentional. I mean, generic movies is, they’re trying to say, I mean, then the title card, Scary Movie, comes up and has a barcode underneath it. What the f was that about? I think they’re trying to be cute, like, like horror movies are just a dime a dozen, they’re a product, they’re a commodity, and here we’re, we’re throwing another generic horror movie at you.

I, I think that’s what… They’re trying to say 

Craig: and then were they gonna like try to like Just kidding. Yeah Because they didn’t like I don’t know you’re right I get it. I understand what you’re saying when you say like the script on paper It’s a semi clever idea, but it’s a one trick pony and it goes on for far too long Yeah, the movie is only an hour and 20 minutes long and it feels like it took me A week to get through it.

Todd: know! But, I get it, like, Me too. I was watching, I was checking my watch ten minutes in. 

Craig: I don’t even, I don’t know even how to go about, you said, we’ll talk about this later, you said, you know, these people were all like, you know, nobodies or earlier in their career. The, the guy, I don’t even have it in front of me, the guy who played the main kid, Warren, um, his name’s John Hawks, he’s been in, Everything!

Like, I don’t recognize him, really, from anything, but I looked at his IMDB and he just has dozens and dozens, I don’t know how many credits, a lot, um, and 

Todd: he’s He’s an Academy Award nominee. For what? Winter’s I think Winter’s Bone? Yeah. I’m not I’m not positive. It was for something. I mean, he has been in 142 things, including 

Craig: Something we did, something we reviewed.

Todd: Oh yeah, several things we’ve reviewed. Uh, the new Marvel thing, Marvel Wastelanders, Doom, I don’t know, it’s some kind of podcast series. He’s in that right now. But yeah, no, From Dusk Till Dawn he was in, we haven’t reviewed that yet. 

Craig: Identity? Is that with that? Mmhmm. At the motel. I think he was like, like the guy behind the desk at the motel.

Mm hmm. That’s right. That’s the only thing that I recognize him from, but he’s been in a ton of stuff. He’s terrible in this movie. 

Todd: Rush Hour. I still know what you did last summer. You know, talking horror. From Dusk Till Dawn. He was in, uh, in that. Uh, Night of the Scarecrow. Congo. Uh, The Marshall. Like… 

Craig: I think I vaguely remember him from Congo.

Yeah. That was a terrible movie, too. But yeah, but, but the point is, like, look at this, this kid went on to do great things in a bit. Yes. You know, like, I will say for him, I think he was really trying. I think that he was really trying to give a quirky… character performance. It’s just very over the top. He’s kind of like Eugene in Greece or something like he’s so Awkward and not to that extreme but close.

Todd: I would say he was probably a casualty of the way He was directed. I’m sure in every scene the director was like, I want you to look scared out of your wits more nerdy more 

Craig: nerdy 

Todd: Yeah, right, and you take all these little scenes individually and all right, that was perfect. That was a great take That’s exactly what I go for and then you string all those scenes together And that’s all he ever is he barely says anything.

He just looks wide eyed Everywhere. Like, every tiny little thing. Actually, it made me laugh. I would say, like, if you want to laugh at a movie with your friends, definitely, this is a strong contender. Because it’s so baffling. This guy is so scared of everything. It made me, it reminded me of, you remember that, that movie that was shot at someone’s house for a little while?

Uh, it was a famous, um, cinematographer. who worked for Orson Welles, uh, called Trick or Treat that we did. John Carradine was in it, otherwise forgettable, but there’s this hilarious scene where some trick or treaters come up to their house and they are completely freaked out by some, uh, paper Halloween cutouts that are taped to the door.

Oh. Like the camera zooms in on them and zooms in on their eyes and zooms in on the cutouts again and zooms in on their eyes and you’re like, give me a freaking break. That’s exactly what happens to this guy. Throughout half of this movie. I felt bad for him. Most of what he’s freaked out about is paintings on the wall of this haunted house On the outside.

I felt bad for him because I 

Craig: felt like he was just getting manhandled and pushed around the whole movie like His friends are dicks, he gets hooked up with this girl who, oh god, she’s a dick too, I don’t, I, I honestly, like, I’m looking at my notes, they make no sense to me because I don’t remember what happens.

Well, I just Nothing 

Todd: happens! When you talk about the germ of an idea. Right? And you talk about what this movie could have been, but it just didn’t, it just isn’t well made. Um, it starts out with him tossing and turning in bed. And he gets these visions of this reaper looking guy with this very stylized skull mask, which…

What I thought looked cool. I would actually like that mask. I like that 

Craig: mask too, but by the time it showed up again, I had forgotten that it was in

Todd: the beginning. That’s right. But he’s freaking out. There’s a storm outside. You know, it’s, it’s, it’s very stylized. It’s, uh, you know, bad with the light streaming in the window. Fog in his room for no good reason at all. Ha ha ha ha ha. But, yeah, he’s tormented. And he’s scared. And you’re like, okay, this is a, this is a scaredy cat.

And then, uh, the next morning, we get this kind of crane shot that kind of swoops in on, it’s just a farm. It’s like a rural farmland area out in Austin apparently. Where there’s a group of people putting together a haunted house, and it is a huge team of people. Just takes us through this haunted house, where the sheriff is running for re election, so he’s walking through and handing out flyers for re election to everybody, and they’re doing some minor chatter, but what we hear come over the radio…

On this Halloween day, convicted killer John Lewis Barker is being returned back to the federal facility for the criminally insane tonight. Earlier today, Judge Andrew Sykes declared a… Mistrial of the case of the psycho killer, and tonight authorities are transporting Parker out state. The federal facility for the criminally 

Craig: Insane.

Yeah, so like there’s this loony on the loose because a farmer’s cow escaped and the Loony bus. Had to, like, swerve to miss the cow and it crashed. Yeah. Oh my god, Todd, like, I, my notes, I, like, after we see the carnival, or whatever it is that they go to, I say, big guy drooling in the back of a loony van, and then, and then Warren and his friend at a haunted house looking for girls, and Shelly is a bumblebee, and she goes up to…

Warren’s friend is like, let’s pollinate, and then they kiss for a solid minute. 

Todd: While Warren stares at them, and the whole time, there is a bearded guy in a red shirt behind them that I cannot take my eyes off. And he’s just staring 

Craig: and smiling. I think he’s just an extra that doesn’t realize that he’s in frame.

Like he’s just watching them shoot this. 

Todd: Right? At first I thought this was a director’s cameo. He’s in there. So many times, like every time they come back to this group. And he’ll be like in between them. So like two characters will be talking and this guy’s like head is right between them, not quite looking at them.

Just kind of like looking around and smiling like he is in awe at everything around him for I forgot. 

Craig: I, I swear to God I remember nothing about this. And then, so then, Warren has a girl, too, and her name is Barbara, and she’s a bitch, and she’s dressed as… And I say she’s a bitch only because, like, she just, for the whole movie, toys with him.

Like, in one moment, she’ll be stuck up and push him away, and then in other moments, she acts like she’s… And like, something’s going to happen. I don’t know. I didn’t care for her. And I don’t, I don’t know what she was supposed to be dressed as like the bride of Frankenstein. I don’t know. She was 

Todd: just in like a, she looked 

Craig: to me like Angela from night of the demons.

Except a little bit less cool. 

Todd: There’s awkward Twizzler eating. Oh my God. That’s what I have. 

Craig: She tells him that she steals from restaurants. And she’s got like salt shakers in her purse, whatever, and then I said, She forces him to eat a dirty purse twizzler. She just has loose twizzlers in her purse that she pulls out and forces him to eat.

Yeah. I swear to God, my next, my next note is this scene is so bleeping awkward. Um, last weekend when I was at that wedding. On the way back, my mom and I were listening to podcasts, and I was like, there’s a new episode of our podcast out if you want to hear it. And she’s like, yeah, put it on. So we listened to the, um, uh, the Lady in White.

Is that what that was called? Mm hmm. And at one point she said, you say that word too much. The F word.

So I guess I’m getting a little bit too raunchy, so I’ll, I’ll try to be better. Sorry. For your mom. My 

Todd: mom. You say that word too much. I bleeped those out. That, didn’t she appreciate 

Craig: that? Well, I didn’t, I just, I just let it go. I didn’t want to comment 

Todd: on it. Or was she just thinking of all the effort I have to put in?

She’s probably not really being judgmental of you. She’s just probably feeling bad for all the effort I have to do to cut them out or to bleep them. 

Craig: Maybe. Maybe. Or for the. Poor souls that are being corrupted by my by your f by your f bombs. No, it’s terrible. Yeah, that’s right Okay, so she makes him eat a dirty purse twizzler, and then she well, I 

Todd: thought that yeah, go ahead I thought that this stealing all this stuff from the restaurant And leaving it in her purse would be a plot point later.

I thought this was a setup for something. 

Craig: The salt comes out again at some point for some reason. I don’t even remember why. I think just somebody just salts their food. It falls 

Todd: on the ground! Oh, and he picks it up! I think, see, this is what I’m saying. I think this movie was supposed to be funny. I think they’re trying to make jokes here.

There is a point where he’s running from the killer. Supposedly, inside the haunted house, and he’s got her purse, and he drops the purse, and all this stuff spills out, and the salt shaker opens up, and there’s salt all over the ground, and he dutifully scoops everything up into the purse, and then goes to the salt, which is just in a pile on the ground, scoops it up, takes the time to scoop it into his hand, pour it back into the salt shaker, and screw the top back on, before he puts it into his purse and continues running away.

I, I was just baffled by that scene, and then I’m like, oh, think they’re trying to make a joke. 

Craig: Well, I wasn’t really listening to you, because I was looking at my notes, but did you also Did you also say that Thanks, Craig. Not only does he scoop up the salt, but then he takes a pinch of it and throws it over his shoulder.

Did you say that? Yeah, 

Todd: in the middle of it. Yeah, uh, yeah. Sorry. I thought I thought he was gonna throw it in somebody’s face or something. I thought he was gonna use her butter knives that were in there. Like, there’s nothing except this, I guess, gag. But, it’s so hard to do jokes in this movie, because the whole movie’s kind of a joke, because it’s slow, everything that they’re saying is stilted.

The scenes are just… It’s puzzlingly long and awkward, and I’m thinking, is this what they were going for? Is to show how awkward this guy is, because it’s working, but also it just feels like bad filmmaking. It’s like they didn’t know, they didn’t know how to edit this. They didn’t know how to speed up the action to the point where it was interesting.

They didn’t have any discipline to cut things that weren’t working. Ugh, this guy, anyway, we are, we are treated to like, what, 30 minutes at least, maybe 45, of them just waiting outside this haunted house in this group of people, and it’s nothing but scene after scene of him freaking out. over a bird cawing, over the paintings of skeletons on the side of that thing.

He bumps up against a rattlesnake cage, which is just sitting out in the open for no good reason, and it rattles at him, and that freaks him out. His watch goes off all the time, and that freaks him out. I mean, it’s a cartoon caricature of this guy who is just… On the edge of panicked all the time. Well, and his, 

Craig: like his, God, I don’t, his friends aren’t nice to him.

Like, at some point, a group of 50 year old teenagers comes and starts hitting on his girl. I say his girl just because they paired him up, like, she doesn’t seem to have any interest in him. You know, like, before they go into the haunted house. She says something provocative to him, like, Are you gonna try to take advantage of me in there?

And she gives him like a slutty look and walks by and his friend like does the, you know, like, tongue in cheek blowjob symbol. But I don’t think that she is into him at all. I think that she’s just messing with him. And they’re always messing with him. And when this group of, like, 50 year old teenage boys come and like flirt with her, She kind of plays Damsel in Distress to get him to stand up for her, but then when he does, the guys just, like, rough him up, and they all laugh at it.


Todd: no. Well, what do you know? Come on, we’ll give you a cut. Thanks, but no thanks. Come on. You’re going in with us. No, JJ. I said no. No. I guess she doesn’t want to go.

If I wanted to hear from an asshole. I’d fart. Better watch out, JJ. He’ll beat you up. 

Craig: Yeah, don’t make 

Todd: me use my karate.

You think you’re a real comedian, don’t you? Pal. I don’t like meat. Oh, you’re so much. You are playing with knives. Stay out of it Barbara. This is between me and the comedian. What’s going on here? What’s going on? Party’s over, pal.

This dude pulls a knife on him. He kind of freaks out, and then he stabs him with the knife, and I thought, holy shit, but it was a retractable 

Craig: knife. Oh my god, there was no suspense there, that knife was the fakest looking knife I’ve ever seen. Yeah. 

Todd: He acts like he was stabbed, like he is groaning and bent over for like a full minute.

And I’m not sure, again, I wasn’t sure if that was a choice, like, we’re trying to show that this guy is so unhinged and so ready to be scared. Like, a character building thing, that even this fake knife hurts him. Or he thinks it hurts him. Right. But it doesn’t play that way. It just plays stupid. 

Craig: It does play really stupid.

And I just, I kept typing the dialogue because it was so… The farmer, the farmer who is not a character in this movie at all, says, You make me want to crap green onions. What? 

Todd: What? I wrote that down too. That’s the line of the movie as far as I’m concerned. 

Craig: And then the, like, they just pull dialogue.

Directly from bumper stickers. Like if I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart. Come on. Come on. One of my favorite. One of my favorite scenes. I’m just looking at all these lines. I wrote down. One of my favorite scenes is they start letting people in the haunted house or whatever. And the, the, the Barker is like, let me welcome you to my charming home.

And then a few minutes later, Silence. Somebody bangs on the door and he opens it up and it’s a dad carrying a little girl and he, uh, he looks at the bark and goes, she couldn’t hack it.

Todd: Like, of 

Craig: course not. My God, it’s so funny. And then there’s like, so people finally get in there. Now it’s even before our main group gets in there, that shady business starts going on in there, isn’t it? Like there’s, there’s one room. You know, it’s a typical haunted house where you walk kind of from room to room and there’s a setup and one of the setups is a guy, a masked guy, like a gross, like a gross, deformed mask, um, and he’s got like a butcher’s apron on and he’s got a big old butcher knife or whatever and there’s another guy tied to the table, you know, classic, typical stuff.

He’s, you know, hacking this guy up or whatever. But at some point, The guy on the table is like, hey, we need more beer, and so the guy with the knife goes away, and then they make it look like… Do you remember how this happened? 

Todd: Alright, so, just before this, there’s a kid who’s holding a werewolf doll, and he sneaks in there, and…

He sneaks in through the back door, and I guess the idea is that the back door was now left ajar. Right. Even though he could, you could just swing the back door open, there was no lock on it or anything. 

Craig: No, the door was locked, but he found, there’s like a cut, like a cutout space near the ground that was hidden by a hay bale.

Todd: He does. But then, when he comes out, he’s, he comes out through the back door, and it’s not locked at all. There’s a, it’s clearly visible, like, where a padlock should be. It’s just a swinging deal. I guess I 

Craig: missed that, because later, he uses, he uses that… I don’t secret entrance more than once. You’re right.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter. 

Todd: This is baffling to me. Even having seen the whole movie, I cannot make heads or tails of this. He’s looking at the barn, like something weird is going on in the barn. There’s this implication, because we’ve seen the paddy wagon that has, uh, you know, avoided the cow and crashed and held the insane, the guy from the insane asylum, uh, has crashed and the cops are there and they can’t find the guy, he’s run off.

The, the driver of the plate, of the truck was dead or whatever. And now this kid, who’s just snuck in there and now opens the back door, sees something in the shed. Barn, not shed. Goes to the barn, which is, I don’t know, you know, 50 feet away from the back door of this haunted house. In a quiet area of the farm.

Kinda looks around in there and then leaves again. But, of course, the camera and the music and everything is making it, you know, it’s setting us up for this idea that the escaped lunatic is in the barn, and then, oh no, the back door of the haunted house is left ajar. And so that’s what happens just before this.

And so, like what you said, when the two scare actors in that one scene, the guy on the table, by the way, do you know who he was? No. Eddie Munster. 

Craig: Oh, funny. He lives 30 minutes away from me. Did you know that? No, is it? Yeah, Eddie Munster. He lives in Macon, Missouri. Are 

Todd: you serious? Yeah. Is he acting? Is he doing theater down there?

No, I don’t even 

Craig: think he does anything. They have a big community theater down there and I don’t think he does anything with it. I, I assume he’s still there. I never heard that he left. Yeah. 

Todd: So that’s the biggest, I mean, aside from the kid, the kid, uh, Warren, who we just said is a big time actor now, he wasn’t at this time.

Eddie Munster is the biggest actor they have in this movie. And he must have been living in Austin or something. I feel like these are probably all local people. Anyway, yeah, you’re right. He says, go back and get me a beer. So, Jer goes back. Pops a beer and then we go back to that scene where the dude on the table whose name is Eddie as well Oh funny.

Yeah, it’s like yelling. Hey Jed, Jed, you coming back out? You coming back out? There’s a new group coming through hurry up hurry up And then a dude comes in from the back wearing the freaky mask and of course the implication is this is not Jed This is somebody else. He doesn’t say anything. He goes right over to where they have a real knife Yeah.

A real butcher knife. Which they’ve made 

Craig: obvious, because like, both of them stuck their knives in the butcher block between groups of people, so that we’re fully aware these are actual 

Todd: real knives. Yep, they set that up, which is stupid, by the way, don’t ever do that at home. And then it has this scene where the guys, those jerk adult teenagers, come in and see the scene.

And this is, you know… This bit of the movie, being a Halloween movie, like, this brought me back. This is what these haunted attractions usually are all about. They’re cobbled together by the local Shriner’s Club, or the local Rotary Club, or school group, or something to raise money. So it’s all these volunteer people in there, just…

Throwin some stuff together to, to have fun. And then the people who come through it are usually dicks. Ha ha ha! I know this because my dad and I used to put these together for the middle school when we lived in, uh, in Warrensburg. And, you know, people just come through and it’s like, just come through and enjoy.

Right, no. No, they gotta come through and they gotta mess with the props. And they wanna, like, yell and I don’t know if they think they’re being cool or they wanna show how not scared they are, whatever. And these guys are being dicks. And they’re just standin there, ah Hack him up, hack him up. And we don’t see him hacking the body, but the implication here is clearly that This guy’s murdering this man in front of them.

Yeah, and 

Craig: you see blood splattering 

Todd: everywhere. And the guys look a little disturbed, but then they start laughing again. They’re like, ah, ha, ha, man, that looks real real, that’s pretty good, blah, blah, blah. And then they go out of the room. 

Craig: We’ve seen this before. Didn’t we do a movie just last year? I don’t know, one year, where it was like a haunt.

Was it called Haunt or something? Yeah, I think so. It was a haunted attraction, and they were really killing people right in front of people, but of course you think it’s fake, so. And that’s one of the, that’s one of the fun things about Halloween. You could murder four people and just throw them on your lawn and people think you were just being festive.

Todd: We’ve talked about that so many times, right? 

Craig: Right. But doesn’t, don’t we find out immediately that we were. Tricked? 

Todd: Yes. Some random dude pulls the mask off, and he’s like, Hey Eddie, that was pretty good acting. And Eddie pops his head up and is like, Yeah, that was a lot of fun, or 

Craig: something like that. It’s just a different haunt worker.

Yeah. Because the other guy, the guy who had been wearing the mask, is the dad of the little kid who snuck in, and he’s dealing with him and saying, You know you’re not supposed to be in here. Take woof woof. Take woof woof and get out of here. Oh my god, come on. Meanwhile, our main characters aren’t even inside yet.

No. And Warren looks at his ticket and it’s 666 and like, he gets scared by a rattlesnake. A rattlesnake, why? Why does, why, there’s a rattlesnake in a, like a terrarium that, oh god, so stupid. Yeah. But then. Barbara has a monologue about Halloween. This is so exciting,

Todd: Warren. Halloween night. The most thrilling holiday. Christmas is too expensive. Thanksgiving’s for turkeys. Easter’s for anyone who believes rabbits lay eggs. The


Creatures of the door

Craig: But then they finally, finally get in there. They 

Todd: take five steps inside . Yeah. Brad and that other girl immediately just start making out . Yeah. In the middle 

Craig: of the corridor. Right. And then Warren, so awkwardly kisses Barb. Like the approach is so slow. Bro, just get there. Um, and after he kisses her, she yawns and then walks away like buh buh buh buh Like, literally, like singing to herself.

It was so 

Todd: weird. It has to be one of the most awkward kisses I’ve ever seen on film. It just, it was just bizarre. Cause he’s got his same wide eyed wild look. As he’s leaning in and and the two have barely exchanged, you know, three words it what’s the motivation Is it because he saw brad and the other chick kissing?

Craig: guess like he thinks he’s gonna get lucky in there because brad did the blow job deal But like I have in my notes here. We’re halfway in and nothing Has happened. Nothing has happened. Oh, and then my next note is they have a real nail problem. In this haunted house, they have a major nail problem because it seems like four or five times somebody gets snagged on a huge nail sneaking out, sticking out of the wall.

That’s a liability issue. 

Todd: It really is don’t do that either guys Hammer those nails in And no real weapons 

Craig: and then so then barbara’s away. Everybody else has gone ahead of him. And so Warren or whatever his name is is by himself and there was one scene where he was walking through the haunt Looking for them where the film quality was so bad that I couldn’t even believe that they kept it in was that the case on your whatever you watch?

Yeah, it was just terrible like it looked like a static ETV from 1983. 

Todd: Warren is kind of by himself, and this haunted house is like, you know, for the big crowd of people that was outside of it, it is just empty as hell when it needs to be, with nobody else going through there except for him and these people, and the building itself does not match.

No. The cavernous interior of this place. No, these These scenes inside are actually kinda cool. At one point, he comes across a table that has Oh, another thing you don’t want in your haunt is real candles. And this place is also filled with real candles. Uh huh. Uh, major fire hazard. But there’s a table with, uh, filled with candles, and it looks like, uh, sort of a satanic altar or whatever.

Cool, that he just walks by and is spooked by, and then He walks past a window and somebody reaches out to grab him and he’s spooked by that. And then he passes by, he sees a dude pulled under a wall. And again, it looks like it could be a scare actor, but maybe it’s not. And then sort of behind a bed in the next scene is there’s like a bedroom scene, but there’s nobody in it except for this guy, kind of from his dream.

Right. Big hooded figure with the mask, with the big scythe. And he’s like, Stabbing that guy awkwardly, because it’s weird to stab with a scythe, behind the bed. And he sees that, and I think we’re supposed to think, is that the guy murdering them? We’re still not quite sure. But he’s freaked out by that too.

Craig: And he hides, and then it’s like, the scene is kind of intercut with a lady on the news talking about how the killer is still out there, and the killer is like, God. I feel like we’re trying 

Todd: We forgot to mention. Yeah, we forgot 

Craig: to mention! At some point, one of the scare actors… Stopped Warren and it was like, are you one of those kids making trouble in here?

Cause I guess those 50 year old teenagers are making trouble, right? So he’s like, are you one of those troublemakers? And he’s like, no, I swear I’m not. I’m just looking for my friends. And then that scare actor goes away or something. And now this. Psycho with this the scythe is chasing him. I guess following him I think would be a better way of saying 

Todd: it following him is a better way to put it But 

Craig: Warren gets a hold of the scythe.

I don’t know he cuts the well the 

Todd: Killer’s handoff, the killer comes into the room. I think it’s that bedroom actually. And he knocks over a bunch of candles from a candle labra, and the killer slips like a Looney Tune’s cartoon on one of the candles, falls on his back and. Warren gets to scythe, and as he stands up with the scythe and the killer stands up, somehow he swings the scythe around and almost inadvertently cuts this guy’s hand off.

To which point he holds his wrist, and he screams, and Warren run drops the scythe and runs away, I think. And 

Craig: then I don’t remember who said this, I just have the quote. I don’t remember if it was on the news, or if it was the sheriff. Somebody says, Every year, something’s gotta happen. People going in, not coming out.

This happens every year? Like, Maybe you should not have this festival. 

Todd: Oh my god. So then, this all, just At this point, just like kind of all, I don’t want to say all hell’s breaking loose. We’re with Warren most of the time, and he’s going from scene to scene. I think, 

Craig: uh, But there’s an announcement on the PA, everybody get out right now.

Something has happened. Everybody get out right 

Todd: now. Yeah, and the cops have shown up, and they’re trying to get Jared to evacuate the place because they’re afraid that the killer’s inside for some reason. Right, but what? Who told them? 

Craig: Right, I couldn’t, like, they say something has happened, get out, and I have in my notes what happened.


Todd: Nothing happened. Or at least what happens anybody knows about. Yeah, nothing happened. The guy got his hand 

Craig: cut off, but I don’t think anybody knows that. No. And then the sheriff walks towards the camera and says, damn it. And then either, and then either he or somebody else says, let’s go get us. A mental patient.

Oh my god. 

Todd: No, I think that was two random rednecks who we never see again. Maybe, I don’t know. But I guess what happens is the sheriff and his people hang outside for the next hour. Doing nothing. While we follow Warren through this whole place. And as they’re evacuating, he’s going over a bridge, and he slips and falls and ends up in this snake pit.

Which is full with fake snakes. And he kind of goes crazy, maniacal, laughing. 

Craig: Obviously fake snakes that he is terrified of when he finally falls down. He’s like, Oh, they’re fake. But I think he, this kid is losing that. Like, I don’t, I don’t know how together he was to begin with. I think maybe, 

Todd: yeah, I don’t know.

This is why I say or I said earlier on I honestly think the filmmakers are trying to be clever here like from the very Beginning with him and those dreams and all that stuff. This guy has been scared of his own shadow the whole time They’re really setting this guy up. He’s a sandwich short of a picnic this guy, right?

Yeah, and that just early on it just plays as stupid. Uh huh. And as it goes on it’s still really stupid but Like he picks, like you said, like he picks up one of these rubber snakes and like bites its head off as he’s cackling. That was so 

Craig: weird. And then that that kid, that kid is back and. He helps Warren out of the pit, and then Warren finds Barb’s purse, and then there’s a Hellraiser room.

I wish we had spent more time in the Hellraiser room. That was my favorite set piece, and he just, he just walked through it twice. And then they see, he’s kind of with the kid, and they go into, there’s like a, uh, pendulum, like a pit in the pendulum room, and there’s like a headless body, and Warren freaks out, and the kid goes, What’s the matter?

It’s only pretend. Dude, calm down. And then I have in my notes, then Warren is running scared. And I said, from what? Like, I don’t even know what he’s running from 

Todd: at this point. That’s the problem. There’s no tension here for us because we have not seen anything chasing him. Every now and then, you know, except for that moment when that guy got his hand cut off, we really don’t see anything.

He runs into the room and he’ll spend, you know, five minutes in this room just wandering two feet, you know, scared out of his wits, but nothing’s pursuing him. He spends a good minute and a half trying to push over a cardboard coffin. To like, I don’t know, block the doorway or something? It’s like, what is wrong with this guy?

You know, it’s just baffling because you’re watching this movie, and you know what kind of movie it is, and I’m just thinking, does he have the problem? Or, is this movie just so poorly made that they’re trying to convince us that he’s having a hard time pushing over this cardboard coffin? It’s just stuff like this that, that made it hard to watch.

That’s, yeah. And hard to take s Yeah, I don’t He picks up a chainsaw. And there’s this sort of Evil Dead style, again, the movie had ideas, right, like Warren looks, it’s a close up on his face. The, it kind of dollies back and the chainsaw is in the foreground and, you know, it’s supposed to be that, you know, Evil Dead like the chainsaw.

He picks up the chainsaw, tries to start it. I didn’t hear the sound of a started chainsaw. But anyway, he wildly swings the chainsaw toward a curtain. And, you can tell that it’s not running, like, the chain is still. And then when he looks on the other side of the curtain, there’s a guy who’s fallen there.

But he hasn’t cut the curtain, but apparently he cut the guy? That’s what I said, 

Craig: in my notes, Warren Kills question mark? Innocent guy with chainsaw? Like, I don’t know. But I’ll tell ya. Yeah, go ahead. At 

Todd: this point in the movie, I figured it out. I wasn’t sure I had figured it out, but I was like, I wonder if…

He’s just cuckoo bananas. Mm hmm. I wonder if he really is running from nothing. 

Craig: Yeah, I didn’t put it together I feel like an idiot. I don’t know. I mean they made such a Such a big deal throughout the whole thing about this lunatic Escaped and I mean he is 

Todd: haven’t really seen him. Yeah. Well, 

Craig: not really I mean we’ve seen a hulking figure in silhouette put that Mask on the same mask that he dreamed about earlier and this guy, like I said before, I said chasing isn’t the right word following is more appropriate.

Like he is kind of following Warren around, but anyway, I don’t know, Warren gets up on the roof somehow and then he falls into a pile of pumpkins and then he points where he, I don’t know where he got a shotgun, but he finds a shotgun and points the barrel of it at his own Face. There, there are so many cautionary tales in this movie that there’s another thing not to do.

If you find a shotgun, do not pick it up and point the barrel of it at your own face. Fair enough. Oh God. And then he stumbles through the pumpkins and then I have, then he’s trapped. Behind a plywood 

Todd: wall. Ha ha ha! He’s very excited he’s found an eye hole. This reminded me of, um, Funhaus? You remember Funhaus?

Yes. Where that girl is trapped behind a fan. Yes. And I’m just like, why don’t you just stop the fan and go through it like you’re right there. And the people on the other side, they could hear you if you just stopped the fan. Ha ha ha! 

Craig: A plywood wall. We already know they don’t hammer in their nails. He could just push that over.

Todd: God. 

Craig: You did good, couldn’t you? But the killer is behind him, and then we So Warren jumps in a grave… And then the, the guy is like standing over him, I guess, and he 

Todd: shoots, and the guy This was the one well framed shot of the entire movie. I don’t remember it. But just before he jumps in the grave. I’m gonna put it on the website.

This is gonna be the feature shot. Okay. Again, if you saw this still, you would be like, Whoa, this, this movie has some style. He’s sitting scared up against a coffin with a pile of pumpkins next to him, and in silhouette with smoke coming out behind him. Just over his shoulder is that figure as an image.

It looks great. But as a moving picture, it doesn’t really work But you’re right. He jumps into this grave that they have inside here man. God do not build this haunted house people It seems cool, but there are like pits that people can fall into. Yeah, and This guy pokes his head over the side, and Warren aims his gun up at this shadow and shoots, and I thought, yeah, shit, he killed somebody else.

Craig: didn’t, I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t really care either, but then he goes stumbling out, and I feel like he’s greeted by the police, and everybody else I feel like is just standing around, watching, and he just keeps, like, he keeps saying, he kept coming, he just kept coming. kept coming, I cut his hand off, and the police tell him, and we get to see, that no, uh, the guy whose hand he cut off was just that same haunt worker who had suspected him of causing mischief and had just been trying to follow him around to get him out of there.

Yeah. And the guy that he shot… Was the sheriff yeah, 

Todd: and 

Craig: then we see we literally no God literally see that the psychopath Has just been in a field picking flowers picking day the 

Todd: whole time daisies. That’s important No, it’s just it’s just stupid, right Picking daisies. How more cliche can you get? And like, when, 

Craig: when the police find him, like, he’s this big hulking guy, and he’s just, like, kneeling in a field of flowers, picking flowers, and the poli like, a cop walks up to him, and he just turns and looks up and like, offers him a bouquet, a bouquet.


Todd: god. Again, I think they’re trying to be funny. I guess, 

Craig: whatever. And then Warren just keeps, he just keeps re he kept coming, he just kept coming, he just keeps repeating it, and he gets arrested and put in the back. of a cop car, and Barb has hooked up with the 50 year old teenager. And then, everybody goes back to partying.

To partying! And the woman who’s selling the House of Horrors t shirts starts spray painting at the top of them. I survived. And there’s, like, a huge surge. Like, everybody has to get their hands on one of these t shirts. 

Todd: Uh huh. That was hilarious. See what I mean? I think the movie is trying to be a little meta, a little subversive, you know, it’s trying to be funny.

Well, it failed. Yeah, it failed because it’s just not well made. There are aspects of it, look, it takes some talent to be able to light a set that you’re shooting on film. You know, and to make it halfway decent, because we’ve seen movies that are not, you know, that are dark and hard. And yeah, I think there are some moments in here where the cinematography is quite good.

There’s some crane shots. They’re trying to do some things, but just overall, the movie just doesn’t work. It’s a slog. It’s painful. Yes. It just is amateur hour all the way through. And even though it’s got some good ideas and there’s a twist at the end, that’s kind of fun and clever. My God, like. It’s just, objectively, not a great movie.

Craig: The last shot is Warren sitting in the back of the police car, crazy eyed, and you hear a ghostly voice go, Warren. I don’t know. I have no idea. But you’re right. Like, the only credit that I’ll give it is that Some of the interior, the Haunted House interior set pieces were fun. I love a Haunted House attraction.

Love it. Yeah. And so you’re gonna get me with that. Fine. But the movie is awful. I do not recommend it. I did not enjoy watching it. I can’t imagine a scenario in which I would enjoy watching it. I don’t even think it would be fun to get drunk and watch with friends. I still think it would be boring. I think it would to a 

Todd: point.

Craig: think that you would just, you would end up, I mean, you might have a good time, but you would just end up ignoring the movie. The only context, like, if you were literally hosting a Halloween event, and you had a bunch of TVs around just playing horror movies, that would be fine, cause nobody’s gonna be paying attention to it, they’re just gonna catch some glimpses of the haunted house imagery, and the carnival, and that’s fun, that’s festive, that’s seasonal, great, but that’s it.

That’s it. I just can’t. I just can’t with this. I want to, I always try, I always really, really try to find something positive to say and I just, this 

Todd: one. You slipped a few positive things in there, you might not remember. I think about 40 minutes into this movie, it would be fun to make fun of and goof around with your friends, not by yourself.

But, after, once Warren’s inside the haunted house and he’s by himself, it gets really boring. Scene after scene of nothing happening. Which, in retrospect, is the point of the movie. Right. Right? 

Craig: Nothing was happening. It was all in his head. Right. 

Todd: But a better made movie would be more suspenseful with this stuff.

Craig: Well, we’ve seen, I’ve seen movies like that before too. There was a movie that took place in, it’s not the one that we did, that took place in the Paris catacombs. There’s another movie that takes place in the Paris catacombs and Pink, the singer, is in it. Oh. And she lives in Paris and her sister comes to visit and they go to a rave in the Paris…

But then, the police come and raid it or something like that, and they, Pink and her friends and her sister all get kind of lost together in the catacombs, and then a killer starts picking them off one by one, and the final girl is the sister. Alright, spoilers, if you haven’t seen this movie and you want to, it turns out that all along, Pink and her friends were just f ing with her sister, but the sister didn’t know that, so she killed them all.

Oh god! And then, and then the last, the last one, I think the last one to go is Pink, and she’s like, you’re such a f ing loser, we were just messing with you, and then the sister kills her too. 

Todd: That’s what you get. 

Craig: So I’ve seen, I’ve seen movies like this before where somebody is happening. So they react violently and it turns out they were wrong.

I’ve seen those types of movies before. It can be clever. It can be a clever, surprising twist. And I guess in this movie, you figured it out before I did. I didn’t figure it out. I mean, I, I didn’t know what was going on, but I didn’t know that it was all in his head until they showed that. Hulking man picking flowers in the field, and then I rolled my eyes like, oh jeez.

So the twist is, the twist is fine. Again, I feel like you’ve already said it all. I’ll say it again. It just, it’s not executed well. 

Todd: I, you know, this movie was plucked out of absolute obscurity. Like I said earlier, it was shown once. Probably at the premiere where the whole, everybody was gathered and family and everybody was involved in Austin making this movie.

It was obviously this, yeah, it’s obviously this labor of love and this fun thing that I’m sure everybody was gaga over just because this 19 year old kid and all these people participated in it. And I get that. It’s nice. I do too. One of the actors said it supposedly did like a, like a little circuit in Asia.

Or in Eastern Europe, but I don’t buy that. I at least don’t see much evidence for it. This movie just literally just kind of sat on a shelf and was forgotten. And somehow, somewhere, Turner Classic Movies. Discovered it and picked it up and showed it and it got released by one of these One of these labels that like vinegar syndrome find these very obscure movies that would otherwise be lost to time Yeah, rescue them give them a proper DVD release and you can You can hear a director’s commentary on that, as well as the director’s short film, Mr.

Pumpkin, which I really, really looked for and couldn’t find, that came before this, about a kid who imagines that his pumpkin has come to life on Halloween. I thought that could be cute. But yeah, it would be on the DVD, and I obviously don’t have access to that and couldn’t find it anywhere online. So I get, uh, I get that.

And for that, I thought it was nice. Like I said, I thought There’s Nothing Out There was a similar type of story, but way better executed, maybe because that guy’s parents were actually, like, editors in the film industry. I do like 

Craig: that there are… People, corporations, entities out there who do try to, you know, kind of rescue these more obscure films, uh, you know, because I’m sure that this movie is important and special to somebody and, and for it to completely Fade into obscurity.

I don’t I don’t wish 

Todd: that on anybody. No, and I’m bitter. You know, I’m bitter because why doesn’t somebody pluck out that that movie that I made in college and decided it was worth it? Putting it on streaming services and shit, you know? Come on, vinegar syndrome, get, uh, Dumping Jenny out there to

the world for the weekend. Hilarious. Aside from the fact that it’s a nice, interesting bit of ephemera that meant something to somebody, it’s, it’s not gonna win any awards. No. 

Craig: This is not gonna be one of those movies where you’re like, Oh my god, how have I not seen this? It’s so great. It’s a, it’s a camp classic.

Nope. It’s not. 

Todd: Yeah, apparently, it’s the reason why Scream got changed from its original title of Scary Movie to Scream, because the filmmakers here wrote to Wes Craven and begged him not to name his movie Scary Movie, and he acquiesced. Interesting. And it is Halloween. Oh, yeah. Happy Halloween, everybody.

You’re gonna go out to haunts like this, out in barns or in warehouses or things like that. I hope you are. This is exactly like that. You’re gonna hang around with douchey people just like these people do, waiting in line. You’re gonna have a lot of fun like these guys were. Before, you know, hands got cut off and sheriff’s got blasted in the face, you know?

And so, uh, it does have that spirit of it. Totally. I mean, this is something that I would at least throw up as a great example of what a, you know, an American style Halloween night out would be like. Absolutely. For that it’s, it’s entirely appropriate that we do a movie like this. On this day, and I do want to thank our patrons for bringing this to our attention.

It’s certainly, our patrons certainly bring us the more interesting films that we otherwise would not have chosen ourselves. Right, 

Craig: and we’ve been doing this for so long now that we need that help. We do. We need you to kind of throw new things our way because… We’ve done everything. Just kidding. No, we haven’t.

We’ve got a lot more to 

Todd: do. We sure do. And another year coming up real soon. Thank you so much, patrons, for recommending this movie to us, and we hope that everybody out there has a very, very happy and safe Halloween, no matter how you celebrate it or where you are. If you would like to join our Patreon community, go to We also have a new domain name for our website that’s a little easier to remember, just in case you have to do the outro again, Craig. But if you follow our old website at, you can also get there as well. Go there, check out our whole back catalog, leave us a message there, or on our Facebook page or Instagram, and uh, let us know what you thought of this movie and what movies we should do in the future.

Share this podcast with someone you love this Halloween season. And until next time, I’m Todd and I’m Craig. Happy Halloween from Two Guys and a Chainsaw.

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