Santa’s Slay

Santa’s Slay

bill goldberg in Santa's Slay

Well, we’re back with one of the goofiest, groaniest, holiday horror comedies we have ever done. What do you expect with a professional wrestler carrying the show? Don’t expect much, but anyway, it’s fun for a certain crowd.

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Santa’s Slay (2005)

Episode 238, 2 Guys and a Chainsaw

Todd: Hello and welcome to another episode of two guys and a the chainsaw. I’m Todd.

Craig: and I’m Craig.

Todd: Hoho. We are week two into December running through a holiday horror movies. You know, I think we’ve said in years past that it’s kind of tough finding a horror movie for the holidays, but Greg, you recently sent me a huge list.

On bloody disgusting that went on for pages. There are dozens of Christmas movies out there. We haven’t even done yet that either somehow or related to Christmas or take place during Christmas or flat out killer Santa Claus or Krampus part one, two through five. All have varying qualities and things like that.

It does seem like a way more than Halloween. Maybe we’re really not going to be wanting for Christmas horror movies for a very long time. I think. So it kind of becomes a case of a, what do you pick and Craig and I don’t like to review. I mean, we, it’s always fun to enjoy. A movie that’s so bad. It’s good.

But we don’t really intentionally set out to review just really horrible, awful, terrible, bad movies. Right. So when you’re looking at these Christmas movies on this list, you gotta be a little careful. And when I saw this movie, I thought it might, we might regret it because I never heard of it before I.

Don’t know if it was ever released in the theaters. And it’s called Santas slay, spelled S L a Y.

Craig: And it was

Todd: released in 2005, you know, that. DVD cover looks pretty cheap and it’s billed as a comedy fantasy on IMDP. It doesn’t say anything about horror, although it’s definitely horror because it’s really, really gory.

Uh, and it’s, it’s a slasher movie. It’s about a killer Santa. So we set out to review this and I knew nothing about it. So how about you, Craig, had you heard of this before? Had you seen it before?

Craig: You know, it’s funny. I was looking at it and I was like, Or am I, are we sure we haven’t done this already?

It’s been so long and we’ve done so many, but, uh, no, I took a look at it and it looked somewhat familiar. So I thought maybe I had seen it before it turns out I hadn’t, I must have just read about it or seen it somewhere. And I was looking at, um, The IMDV page. I didn’t want to read a lot of spoilers or anything, but I just, you know, see who it was directed by, who was in it and that kind of stuff.

And I’m reading all these names like James Khan and Chris Catan and Fran Drescher. And I’m like, Whoa, like what’s. Rebecca Gay heart. Like not necessarily that aside from James Khan, not that any of these are like, you know, a list, film actors or anything. I mean, Fran Drescher is famous in her own. Right.

And Rebecca Gayheart has done some genres.

Todd: Oh, they’re all pretty famous though. I mean, Rebecca Gayheart with the knock SEMA girl. Remember her?

Craig: I know she was, she was. The killer in urban legend. I know. I’m not saying I don’t like her. I, I, yeah. And that’s, I was pressed to see all of these names.

Todd: Yeah. Yeah.

Craig: And as you know, I don’t guess that I should have really been surprised by this, but all of those big names really are just cameos in the first scene.

Todd: It’s true.

Craig: Which is really funny and really silly,

Todd: really silly,

Craig: but you know, it, it sets the tone, uh, for the movie. Honestly, it left me though. It was very funny and I really did enjoy, especially that first scene.

Um, It always kind of makes me feel bad for poor James Caan. James Khan is an amazing actor. He’s a really great actor, but he’s been divorced so many times that he just has to take any role. Offered to him because he’s paying all these ex-wives. I mean, I’ve seen him talk about this in interviews. It’s really like, yeah.

He just has to take anything that’s offered, which is too bad because he used to be kind of at the top of his game. Um, but whatever, you know, he’s a good sport about it, or at least he appears to be on screen. And so whatever overall. I, I get, you know, what this movie is about, you know, I think that it originally premiered on German television, in a series of, uh, films that the German title is like the worst movies ever made or something like that.

So it knows

Todd: what it is,

Craig: what it is and, and what it’s trying to be. And that’s fine. Frankly after that first scene, I found it just kind of be a slog to get through. Yeah. I was excited when I looked it up on IMTP and saw that it was only an hour and 17 minutes. I was like, woo. It felt long. Really, really long.

Todd: Yeah.

Craig: And, and it’s, it’s, it’s just silly and, and have some kind of incoherent plot points. And the thing that I guess bothered me, but shouldn’t have. Because I think that if somebody were seeking out this type of movies, silly, heavy on the action, um, if somebody were seeking it out, I think that they would be satisfied.

I, I don’t know, as always, I watched it in the middle of the day, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it just felt like they thought of these interesting scenes. To insert Santa in and do kind of these set piece killer Santa things with every gag, like every Christmas, uh, item you can think of to kill somebody with Santa uses in this movie, but it felt like that’s what they did.

They filmed these great set pieces and these like kind of one-off scenes. And then they kind of wove it together with a storyline, but the storyline is a little. Blah. And like

Todd: and it’s really, it’s all just an excuse for these action bits and the action scenes are quite good. Actually. I was, I thought the action scenes were very serviceable. It shows it’s low budget in so many ways. The movie does at times look really cheap. I mean, sometimes the sets look like cheap. Sets. And at other times there’s a lot of outdoor action with what are obviously crane shots or things seem actually pretty big.

It’s really interesting that dichotomy there, when you’re watching the movie, I found it a little jarring, you know, when we first started it up and this first scene starts out just in, um, It’s just like a rich family. It’s like boobs, boobs,

Craig: boobs, Chris Catan, James con

Todd: Chrissy tangent James. Right. And everybody’s just sitting there just goofy stuff is happening.

Like somebody’s trying to put his hand up for somebody else’s skirt under the table. And James con’s just like, Pissed off for some reason. And there’s a tiny little dog that’s yapping around that has its own little bed, you know, just a stereotypical, we’re all rich kind of house. And then Santa comes down the chimney ho-ho and immediately starts slaughtering everybody

Craig: starting with the dog,

Todd: the dog across the room, which was awesome

Craig: into the, into the ceiling fan.

I thought that was. Hilarious was boy. I mean the whole scene is funny. Like they’re just assholes. They’re just rich assholes. That’s what they’re playing. And you know, I, I probably, all of these people have fans. There were two daughters, um, that I didn’t recognize, but I bet somebody would, I dunno, but, um, one of them, uh, says like the blessing.

Thank you for the bountiful food that you’ve provided for us. And that our loving family can be together. This Christmas also, thank you for not making us poor. Or Samoan, thank you for maximum pharmaceuticals. The latest am class and those that are less fortunate.

And that’s when Santa comes down and Sanchez played by a professional wrestler slash actor. This isn’t his only movie. His name is bill Goldberg and he’s this big hulking guy. He looks like a professional wrestler, but he’s got the long white, gray beard, and they’ve got them dressed as Santa of course.

He burst through the fireplace and they all sit there. Wide-eyed and, um, Fran Drescher says Sandy, and he’s like, yes, Virginia, there is a

Todd: Santa clause

Craig: and there, and there are so many things. Stupid bid lines like that. Yeah. You know, if you’re in the right frame of mind, it would make you laugh. I guess I just, I was I’m rolling my eyes.

And then it’s just, you know, series of violence, which is what the movie is about. He and goofy violence. He kicks the dog into the ceiling fan and then he does like a barrel roll onto the table and he stabs the dad’s hands into the table with like the meat. Fork and knife or something, and he blow torches mom’s face and then drowns her in the eggnog.

And you know, these are it’s James Cod and Fran Drescher, and it’s kind of funny to see French

Todd: race running around with makeup,

Craig: towards to the face. It’s kind of funny.

Todd: Somebody runs away and he grabs the star off the top of the Christmas tree and throws it like a Ninja star across the room and, and pale.

It’s all this kind of.

Craig: Yeah. He ends up bludgeoning the dad with like the Christmas roast and I mean, and, and that’s it. And then the title comes up and then there’s a, uh, Uh, credits sequence where they kind of show you the backstory. And I was w but everything like there’s texts, uh, it, it it’s like pages of a book and you can see the illustrations, but the text is in Icelandic.

And I was thinking, Oh my gosh, I have to pay close attention to this because I can’t read it. So I have to pay close attention to what. The pictures are showing me. So I know what the backstory is. Well, it turns out there’s a big exposition scene later, so you don’t really need to pay that close attention.

But, uh, what you do get from it is that. Santa was involved in some sort of contest. He was evil that he was involved in some sort of contest and it was supposed to be good for he lost. And then he had to be nice and give away gifts for a thousand years or something. But it shows you when it started. And then in 2005, which is when the movie was released and when it’s set time’s up and he’s evil again.

Todd: Yeah. Well, Say it as like the antichrist, basically, like it said, there were two Virgin births, right. One belonged to God and was Jesus at one belong to Satan and it was right. But yeah, he, he became, like you said, there was a deal that happened and a contest and he lost and he was forced to become good for a thousand years.

And now. He the thousand years is up. Yep. So this takes place in a place called hell township and yeah, just like the first scene. The next scene is in this Jewish deli with the stereotypical Jewish deli owner there. Um, and there’s a kid working there. His name is Nicholas and there’s this woman named Mrs.

Talbot, who is just the most foul mouth bitter woman. You could imagine what

Craig: the hell is in the holiday. Hoagie Turkey, cranberry stuffing me. Turkey raising that’s Cheerios, cranberries, gummy bears. Altoids. Oh, we are being cute. You little shit. Just give me the roast beef, plain. None of that link crap.

You’re just as loony as your crackpot grandfather.

Todd: And, and that’s kind of how it is. Like all the characters in this movie are characatures, it’s almost like it’s almost like continuous Saturday night, live skits, you know, one right after the other, in many ways. And she goes out of there and she gets into her car.

I mean, there’s, this is it. Like, we’re just going to get full on Santa hate killing people from now on like, from the very beginning, because she gets into her car. It was really no set up or anything. She’s driving down the road, adjusting her cigarette and behind her. Out in the middle of the open is demon Santa on his sleigh with his demon.

Ah, they looked like buffaloes, but I guess they’re supposed to be reindeer.

Craig: Yeah, I think it was just there’s one Buffalo, but they refer to it as a reindeer throughout and like it’s not any. Reindeer I’ve seen. And when he’s chasing the lady, like, again, just these one-liners that are so silly, like she’s swerving all over the road.

So he can’t pass. Like, I feel like just his intention, it’s just a passer, but she’s all over the road. He says, move bitch. Yeah, the way. And then he runs her off the road and the car flips over and. She’s dead apparently. And yeah, I mean, it’s, it’s just that it’s just, let’s put Santa in these scenarios and he’ll kill people and then.

Back to the story

Todd: back

Craig: to the story.

Todd: Really main story is Nick Nicholas and, uh, his friend, Mary or Matt, Mick. I think he calls her most of the time. They both work at that deli. They get off for Christmas and they go back to his place and they sit and watch and he, he lives with his. Crazy grandfather. And one thing you get in the first 10 minutes is everybody’s somehow referring to how crazy his grandfather is.

And, uh, his grandfather was just an eccentric dude. Um, he’s got like five locks on the front door and he’s played by a very famous actor named Robert Culp, Robert Culp, spin and everything. He’s not alive.

Craig: Oh my God. He has a huge resume. Yeah, he was on, um, Greatest American hero. And I don’t know. I mean, he’s been in a bazillion things and he was familiar and there are other actors in this movie like that too.

And we’ve talked about this with other movies. There are these actors that, you know, you’ve seen, you may not be able to necessarily pinpoint where, I mean, um, the, the guy that runs the store, Mr. Green, he’s played by. Guy named Sal Rubinic, who has been on TV and some movies for decades. I mean, you’re gonna recognize him.

I, again, I couldn’t place him anywhere specifically, but I knew I had seen him in a bunch of stuff. The grandpa Robert Culp. Like is just this eccentric old man, he’s almost in a less science-y way. He’s almost like doc Brown kind of, um, made in, in the way that he looks and a little bit in the way that he acts maybe not quite as eccentric outwardly, but you’re right.

Like these got all these locks on the door and he’s got a. Bunker that, um, Nicholas didn’t even know about, but he shows him. And, um, Nicholas has played by a kid named Douglas Smith, who again has a, for a young man has a pretty impressive resume, but I didn’t recognize him from anything. Mary is played by a meal or Emily.

I’m not sure to Ravin who was on lost. I think for the duration of the show,

Todd: she was Claire.

Craig: I re I really liked her on that show.

Todd: The Hills have eyes remake and brick, and I guess more recently the TV series once upon a time she played.

Craig: Oh yeah, that’s right. So,

Todd: yeah, she’s right. Very recognizable and, and very good.

I mean, all the acting and this is pretty competent considering they’re just being goofy considering, you know? Yeah. That’s all it really is. It’s it’s like, like I said, it’s like watching Saturday night live sketch, but yeah, he, his grandpa, this is where I thought things looked a little cheap. Like I thought grandpa, all of grandpa’s little inventions in his house and even his bunker, everything looks like a set, you know, it was kind of, yeah.

Even, even the door leading the bunker was supposed to be this big metal door looked, looked like a painted metal set kind of thing. Anyway, Sandra goes back out and I guess he decides to stand and pretend to be a salvation army bell ringer for a moment. And a bomb comes up and he just slaughters the bum again in the middle of the street,

Craig: there are people wandering around and it’s like, again, it’s just, okay.

So story meet grandpa. Here’s the bunker back to Santa, you know, random scene and like, why is demon Santa ringing? The bell makes no sense. But he’s got a candy cane in his mouth, so, you know, he can pull it out. And of course, right. It’s all pointy from having been sucked on and he stabs it in the guy’s eye and throws him in a dumpster back to story.

Todd: Grandpa, grandpa says some offhanded comment about how you should be a little worried about that. Santa this year to Nicholas and Nicholas is suddenly interested in he’s like, what are you talking about? What do you mean? And grandma says, let me show you. And he goes to his closet and cranks up some safe again from the ground that the kid didn’t know about.

Pulls out this giant book called the book of Claus, which is clearly a family heirloom. And he starts going through it and telling the real story of Christmas, which is what we just described to you. But I really liked this bit because the backstory. Was told in a flashback sequence that was stop motion animation in the rank and bass Christmas special style, you know, the frosty, the snowman, or the Rudolph, the Red-Nosed reindeer.

They copped that style a bit and did the stop motion animation for this, which is really funny. Uh, I really liked that bit, actually. I figured like that’s probably where most of the money for the budget probably went

Craig: well. It was my favorite part. Yeah. I really enjoyed it. I mean, those. Christmas specials were, you know, our parents’ day, you know, is when they came out.

But they, they play every year. They were a big part of my childhood. I still watch them sometimes, you know, now. And, um, so it hasn’t yeah, nice. And the Stalgard to it, but it was also cute because though it was very much in that style. It was still kind of dark, you know, Santa was scary and at the end he breeds fire.

I just thought it was really funny. Like. We gave the basic premise, but what it is is, uh, God disguises one of his angels as an old man and this old man, um, challenges, uh, Santa, who is a demon to a contest it’s curling, which I just thought was so cute.

Todd: It’s so random.

They cut a hole of the ice. And he says, you know, whoever gets closest to the hole with gal outgoing in it wins. And Santa goes, I’ll go first. And he gets it as close as could possibly be to the edge without going over. And then the old angel just, uh, pushes his in rolls, rolls his down and knock Sanders into the hole and his stops outside the hole.

And so now Sam has gotta be. Good for a thousand years, you know, the angels should have from the beginning should have just said, Hey, you just gotta be good forever. I don’t know why he threw the thousand years. Yeah.

Craig: Thousand years seems like a long time at the time, I guess, I

Todd: guess. Oh yeah. For an immortal angel though.

I don’t know. Big surprise. I don’t know if you saw it coming from a mile away that grandpa turned out to be that angel. He sure. Looks like him and the cartoon.

Craig: Yeah. The stop motion character looked like him. So I kind of figured begin. It doesn’t make any sense. Later, later on, on when the kid finds out that his grandpa was the angel, the grandpa’s like, well, I just loved your grandmother so much.

I decided to stay around. Well, Did you meet his grandmother a thousand years ago?

I don’t know, silly, whatever you get over it. It’s not important anymore.

Todd: We also learned out that their last name is  Nicholas. Oh, it’s so goofy. So that happens. And then, um, you know, Mick comes over, gives Nick a gun, something I thought was going to be significant. Didn’t turn out to be, he talked about how he never really liked Christmas.

And his whole reason for not liking Christmas. Isn’t some traumatic story. Like for example, we get in gremlins, but it’s just like, eh, he never really got the stuff he asked for. Right. He’d ask for a transformers and he ended up getting an easy bake oven. And so she comes over and gives them what looks like a gun.

But then when he’s like, what, what are you doing? And she says, look at it and opens it up. And it’s actually a little transformer that looks like a gun and has no significance later into the plot, which I was a little disappointed by. Anyway, they hang out. And at the same time, uh, there’s a pastor at a church who is preaching to the church for a little bit about giving away money and the next scene, he’s going to a strip club.

And after he enters the strip club, Santa pulls up to the strip club and says,

Craig: boy,

Todd: And I

Craig: know

Todd: every it’s just so many jokes like this and he delivers this in his wrestler voice every single time. Right. It, he has such a Jesse the body venture vibe that I kept going back. And like, is this Jesse the body venture?

No, it’s just, just, they all have this voice. Right. So, uh, He goes into the strip club and we get all of our boobies where he just for no good reason, just cause he’s demon Santa now. And he can do whatever he wants, uh, runs around in this sequence. Very creative actually action sequence where he’s like doing flips.

I, this is a pretty elaborate strip club for being what looked like a hole in a otherwise tiny little town, but there’s a woman on a swing up above the dance floor. And he jumps up into that, which conveniently plants his face, right between her legs. And I read somewhere online that that’s his real life wife.

Craig: I met on the set. Oh. And she agreed to do the movie because she thought it was going to start Jeff Goldbloom, but it’s 10. It was bill Goldberg,

Todd: the end of a mistake there.

Craig: Yeah. But they, but they met and they fell in love and they got married and I think they’re still married. So good for that.

Todd: Yeah. I mean, what a story to tell your kids.

Right. Right.

Craig: I mean, Forever captured on film. You can share that with the children. Um, but this whole scene, it’s, it’s a wrestling scene. You know what I mean? Like this, putting his wrestling, his professional wrestling skills to work, jumping up on tables and hitting people over the back of the head, right.

Flipping around, swinging around, you know, going up against three or four other big guys. Taking them out, you know, one by one with chairs and whatever. And I say that, and it’s silly, but it’s really kind of fun to watch. I actually found it to be one of the more fun scenes in the movie.

Todd: It was, I, I completely agree.

And then there’s a bunch of goofiness, like. As soon as he falls. Okay. So his face has been in the strippers crotch for, you know, a couple seconds as he swings over and he jumps down and, uh, chases a woman off a stripper pole and he’s about to grab the pole, but then he kind of looks at it as like  and then pops off screen and immediately pops back on with, uh, some.

Spray bottle with some cleanser and a rag to wipe the pole down before he picks it up and rips it out of its socket and uses it to fight. I mean, it’s this kind of humor it’s it gets really goofy, but it was creative. I mean, like he fights some people off with the pole and then he’s kind of advancing on this one dude with the pole and the guy looks at him was kind of, uh, kind of backed up against the wall.

And Santa tosses, the pole to him. And he’s like, what? And then he kind of shoves the poll upwards into a light fixture, which electrocutes this guy. And yeah, like all of that was kind of a bit of a surprise. Like this whole sequence was really interesting. Like you said, you didn’t really know what was going to go.

There’s a lot of clever creative bits to it. And, um, maybe more so than everything else in the movie, but some of the other fight scenes in the movie were also,

Craig: yeah. And as he’s getting ready to leave, he, uh, Turns around and all this topless, strippers are kind of cowering, you know, in booths and behind, around corners and stuff.

And he pulls something out of his pocket, I think, and it looks like a rock and he blows on it and it turns into like a glowing coal and he looks at the strippers and goes naughty. And then throws the cold towards them. It like just ignites the whole, um, place. And I guess we’re left to believe that, uh, they all burned up in there, which it doesn’t come right on the heels of this scene.

But later there’s another scene in the church because the pastor manages to sneak out. And there’s another scene the next day, where. He addresses the tragedy that happened in that iniquity. And then he reads off all of the strippers names. So pray with me, if you will, for the salvation of crystal candy, she ever rain,

Dixie wrecked test tickler.

Todd: It’s such an old joke. You know, it’s such an old joke. Yeah. But you keep seeing too in between some of these scenes, like, like in a transition moment after we’ve seen Santa kill a bunch of people and go back to the story, there’s often like an outdoor scene and up in the sky, you can see Santa’s sleigh kind of go across and it’s like billowing, some smoke out the back, kind of like it’s a dirty pickup or something like that.

You know, he’s not only does he have this demonic reindeer in this odd Buffalo at the front, but also apparently has some kind of engine generating fire out the back. Yeah. Um, it has its moments. It has its little touches, I guess. And then, you know, there’s just a bunch of silly stuff like the kid goes on.

So now he’s kind of investigating barely Santa and he goes on to the gonad network online, which is the. Great. I don’t know. It’s like  and who Yahoo instead of Yahoo search.

Craig: And it looks like the, it looks like the internet from like 1985. Like it does graphics are so bad and silly and

Todd: even for 2005, that was a bit dated.

Craig: Yeah. I mean, he basically just Googles is Santa real and the computer’s like, uh, how old are you? And he’s like 16. And he’s like, no, say it. It’s not real. Sorry, parents hadn’t had that talk with you yet. Like, it’s just so stupid.

Todd: Yeah. Then there’s this odd, odd, random scene where Santa is not even in it, but I guess the implication is supposed to be that even though he might not be there, he’s already wreaking havoc with people because it’s

Craig: Christmas morning now.

Todd: Yeah. And there are these two kids in there. They’re older kids and they’re sitting down in front of their old grill, like look like their grandmother and grandpa

Craig: angel kinda has led to some surprises kill. We dismissed shit. We got. 12 and her mother’s presence. Now, chorus, go ahead, kid that, see what Santa got you.

Todd: Then they opened the presence and the presence explode and blow their heads off. And then grandma and grandpa just looked at each other and she looks forward, looks at and says, fuck. Cause ha it’s an old lady saying the F word

Craig: I’m talking about. Like, it’s just a series of. Random scenes, very loosely tied together and, and that’s, it’s fine.

I mean, that’s nothing wrong with it. It is,

Todd: but

Craig: it’s

Todd: worse than

Craig: it is. It’s more like that. Yeah. Maybe not as skillful. But in that vein? Yes. And then Sam, okay. Then, then there’s the scene in the church where he reads the strippers names and then Sansa breaks into the deli and fights. Mr. Green, who like tries to be a bad-ass, but then he, he like Michael Myers style pins, um, Mr.

Green to the wall with a menorah through the throat. Um, but then Santa sees a picture. Hanging in the deli of Mr. Green and Nicholas and the grandpa. And he obviously makes note of it. So, you know, it’s, it’s, it’s pretty on the nose that he’s looking for these people, if you haven’t figured out why yet, you know, I mean, it seems pretty obvious.

And my other favorite three seconds of the movie is, um, Nicholas goes to a gas station. All you remember what he’s getting, it totally is insignificant, but he goes in and the, a guy behind the counter is standing there and it’s a big guy and he’s got his back to the camera and I’m like, Oh, this is going to be somebody.

This is going to be a cameo. And I was totally right. He turns around and it was. Tony, uh, or no. Excuse me, Tommy tiny Lister. Um, who played Debo in Friday? Yeah, well, I was,

Todd: I was thinking he played Zeus and no holds barred.

Craig: Oh, I haven’t seen that.

Todd: That’s funny. The whole Kogan movie. You remember that one? The big hall Kogan wrestling movie in the eighties, 1989.

Craig: No, I didn’t see it.

Todd: Yeah. He was Zeus. He was the guy, you know, with the weird eye who goes up against him. It’s hilarious.

Craig: And he’s in it for a second. Like it was obviously just. For the cameo, but that’s fun, whatever. And then Nick goes to Nick hears about the break in, at the deli on the radios, or he runs there and he finds Mr.

Green, who nonsensically is not dead, but wakes up just for a second long enough to say there is a Santa Claus,

Todd: which is, I guess, supposed to be funny. Cause it’s a Jewish guy. You know, so there’s a Santa Claus or whatever, and then the police come in and one of the cops is like, you know, something just isn’t kosher here.

I’m going to have to take you back to the station for questioning.

Craig: Yeah. And there’s some, his Siddiq Jews outside too. And, and he tells his partner and grabbed those Amish guys too.

Todd: That was funnier than the coacher joke. Actually. I know. Oh, okay. And so then he goes to the police station and the captain’s name is captain Tony. Cocke C a U L K, which is clearly a setup for a whole bunch of cock jokes that we’re going to get later. And, uh, for some odd reason, he’s wearing a Santa suit too.

I don’t know. Nicholas is trying to tell him all this business about what’s going on. And of course he doesn’t believe it. And he chases him out of there, um, and said, you’re just as crazy as your uncle. And then a Santa comes in immediately afterwards. And tazes him in the nuts. And he’s dead. And then as he walks out, you see that the entire police station, all of the cops have been killed by Santa as they leave.

And then I think, uh, at this point, uh, they’re driving down the street. Now we’ve got Nicholas and Mary in the same truck who have made up apparently like she was really stormed away, mad at him. A few seams earlier and now trauma, I think has brought them back together. And as they’re driving down the street and he’s, she’s, he’s telling her exactly what’s happening.

And his theory is that it, the North pole, when it turns midnight, all of this is going to be over, which would be like 7:00 PM their time, because he was given, uh, by Mr. Green, a world clock, which is also so quaint. It’s this big, ugly looking tablet thing. That’s supposed to show you the time all over the world.

So conveniently. It comes in very handy here for his calculation of 7:00 PM. Our time is going to be midnight at the North pole and he thinks that’s when the sand, his reign of terror is going to end. So he’s just like, we just got to like hide out for two and a half more hours, uh, and be done with it. At that same time, the police a police car comes up from behind.

You know, he’s like, Oh no, he’s he’s he’s he’s after me again. And the woman says, what is it with you and cock? And then as he’s pulling her over, he goes, Oh, this really sucks. And she says costs.


Craig: yeah. It’s it’s it’s hypercube.

Todd: I believe I wrote that down. Um, how did I even write this?

Craig: I don’t know. Th this, this scene was kind of fun to like, cause they get pulled over and then we see cars. The camera is facing them. So we can see off to the side and through their rear window that it’s actually Santa Claus in a cop car.

And eventually they turn around and at first Nicholas thinks it’s cock, but, uh, it’s not any, and they realize that. And so they, they floor it and take off, but Santa starts chasing them and, um, Mary’s like, uh, my dad has a shotgun under the seat, and so they’re trying to mess around with that. And when they look back, Sans has gone, but it turns out that he’s caught up with them and he’s on the top of the truck and there’s a whole sequence, a stunt sequence with him in the bed of the truck.

And they’re swerving around on the road and Nicholas is trying to get the gun loaded and eventually he does. And, um, he shoots Santa and Santa falls over backwards. And. I think falls out of the truck. And so it seems like he’s hurt a little bit, but he gets immediately back up and then calls or whistles for his, um, Buffalo.

Yeah. Um, and then Nick and Mary go to grandpa’s. And Sansa kills a bunch of carolers in front of their house. And they locked themselves in the bunker. St. You know, in Santa is tearing down the walls and the doors to get to them or whatever. They sneak out the back and grandpa puts them on the two kids on snowmobiles, but they can’t get them going, or Mary can’t get hers going or something.

And so Santa shows up and grandpa and Santa kind of have the. You know, saloon showdown in the snowy alley a little bit. And this is where we officially find out that grandpa was the angel. Um, you know, it’s a lot of that. I haven’t seen you in a long time. You look worse for the

Todd: ware. Yeah. And then, and it seems like they’re going to have this big show down, but Santa does a whistle and his Buffalo slash reindeer with their sleigh.

Come out of nowhere from behind grandpa and he spins around and it runs him over. And then San Diego

Craig: grandpa got run over by a rain gear. Uh,

Todd: God. And so the kids, uh, they, they both jumped on the one snow boom wheel that will start and they take off and then there’s just a high pursuit and this goes on for way too long.

But anyway, Santa is in pursuit of them and he’s on his sleigh kind of half in the air, half, not sometimes they’re cutting through the wilderness. And through town, SANAS throwing exploding presence at the there’s a, they pass through a bunch of, um, skeet shooters that are out there shooting, um, and, and scare them and go through that.

Craig: When he goes through town, he. Kind of Rams, the minister, who is in a Santa suit and the minister kind of flips over the front of the sled and, and sits in the sled and then Santa knocks him out. And I knew that was going to be significant, but I couldn’t figure out why. And I mean, it’s just for convenience sake at the end, but he’s got that other like unconscious guy.

In the Santa suit and they’re with him for the rest of the movie. Yeah. I mean, it’s, it’s, it’s just a setup for the end, but it’s a weird setup because it happens I’ll know a good 10 minutes or so before the end. So you’re like, what the heck? Yeah, whatever the kids break into a school, they find a Nutcracker that the grandpa put in Nicholas’s bag.

And then my next note is Santa loses the jacket, which was another. One of my favorite parts of the movie. Cause you know, this, this guy, the wrestler bill Goldberg, he takes off his Santa’s coat and the guy’s just ripped. Like he’s huge. His arms are like the size of my waist and I mean, That was cool.

Todd: Well, the casting was good, right? He’s totally convincing as a demon. Santa’s a hundred percent. He looks the part. No question, no question. He can say and do the things that he does, but then there’s a more goofiness. Like they go in the fricking library of this. School and they’re hiding. And Santa has a little smoke on that.

Looks like an ornament that he chucks over the stacks. And I think more or less pretending not to notice them. Now, all of a sudden he’s, uh, pulls a book off a stack right on the other side, and it’s the Christmas Carol. And he opens it up and looks at it and says, wow. Wow. Christmas shirt can scare the Dickens out of people.

Uh, at which point, the smoke overwhelms these two and they run off and he continues to chase them through the school. It’s like, Oh my God.

Craig: And they end up in the school ice rink.

Todd: Yes. Clearly the school, the school ice rink. Well, I don’t know this is what this place is supposed to be way up North in Canada.

It might work, but this is then Rue.

Craig: I know.

Todd: But it’s gotta be right. It’s got, it’s got to end up here. Cause we got to come to the foot, the big curling finale. Right.

Craig: You know, they they’re they’re they uh, are being chased by Santa. Like as they’re going out of, I don’t know, at some point when they’re being pursued, Santa’s either, either throws.

Cole at them, it looked like he shot fire out of his mouth. I think

Todd: that’s exactly what happens. He breathed fire out of his mouth. It was like a fireball that went at them. Yeah. Weird,

Craig: weird. Um, so they end up at the ice rink where they decided to take a little romantic break

Todd: suddenly just to holding off for a while while they have their moment.

Craig: And they’re just sitting there talking and Nicholas, like, I can’t believe we’re being hunted by Santa all F and people and they start to kiss. And then of course, Santa shows up on a Zamboni. I mean, come on. I mean, if you’re going to shoot on an ice rink, you got to put Santa on a Zander. It’s it’s pretty great.

And, um,

Todd: And then grandpa, this part, I didn’t understand,

Craig: but angel angel grandpa shows up

Todd: this part. I didn’t understand. Cause angel grandpa, you know, materializes back into air and, and makes a comment to him about, I thought, you know, you gave up your mortality when you went through that, uh, when you, when you hooked up with that earth woman and he said, well, things have started coming back to me lately.

So does that mean that after his wife died, he got his mortgage. Immortality back. And that’s why when he got run over, he could just resurrect.

Craig: Oh, who knows? Like,

Todd: I’m not really, I don’t need them curious. None of that made sense to me, but anyway. Yeah. So, uh, they have their show down again and, and grandpa.

Um, suggest that they have the same deal. Again, only this time it’s going to be for eternity. If he wins the curling contest, then Santa will forever be good. A whole to hell in the ice rank is formed and they start out their curling competition. And this time. Grandpa goes first and gets it right up to the edge of the hole and then Santa sheets by picking up grandpa and just sliding him straight into the hole, too, which the kids are upset by.

And as soon as Santa turns on them, grandpa had, had left a tag on that, um, Nutcracker saying some gifts are more useful or something, or the greatest gift. The good, the gifts worth giving are the ones that are useful or something. And he says that to him before he starts the curling. And so that’s the clue to Nicholas that when Santa is suddenly coming towards him to whip the Nutcracker out of his backpack, and when he pulls the back of the Nutcracker, it shoots a chest nut.

Is that does this, the play on words that supposed to be significant into SANAS chest, which I guess is magical or something. And Santa falls backwards, presumably defeated.

Craig: Well, I mean, it incapacitates him for a second and

Todd: he’s dead.

Craig: Yeah. And you know, the, the whole time zone thing had come into play.

Like Nick’s like it’s after seven, you have no powers anymore. And then Santa does this whole. Spiel about time zones and Mary’s like, Oh, he’s scary yet educational, like just the silliest lines. But so he’s incapacitated. They pull grandpa out of the hell hole. Then Santa’s escapes on the Zamboni. Like he bursts through the wall and goes, and grandpa’s like, he’s bluffing.

He’s powerless now. And so they all start chasing after him. But for some reason, grandpa can’t leave the ice rink. There’s like a gears field or something unexplained.

Todd: I don’t know that made no sense. Oh God, I

Craig: guess he just lives there now. I don’t know.

Todd: I’ll always be with you son disappears.

Craig: So weird. So, and Nicholas.

Go back to the firing range that they had driven through before. And, you know, it’s all these guys with guns and they’re like, uh, how’d you like to be able to hang a stuffed flying reindeer over your mantle or whatever. And there’s, you know, this native American man smoking a cigarette and also docking through his.

Vocalized or thing so dumb. Um, but so, uh, Mary, I think whistles and the, the, the slay starts coming. Everybody starts shooting at him, but nothing happens until Mary’s dad shows up and it’s been established earlier that Mary’s dad is kind of this crazy Hunter, like he hunts and dangered animals and stuff.

He shows up and shoots the Buffalo with. A bazooka and the whole, the whole sled explodes and like meet like lands all around them and everything seems like it’s okay. Like it’s over. Uh, and you see, Santa has been impaled on a flagpole. Oh, no,

Todd: this is, this is not Santa. Actually. This is the priest priest,

Craig: right?

That was the whole setup he had to be. He had to be on the sled so that when it got blown up, there would be this red herring that, that everybody, but Mary and Nicholas think is Santa, but Mary and Nicholas know that it’s not. And Nicholas has something like, I feel like my adventures are just beginning like that.


Todd: I was like, Ugh. Don’t tell me that we’re trying to set this up for a sequel.

Craig: Oh, I know. Right. Uh, and, and so he, I guess Santa had had. Somehow gotten the book of Claus, but now it’s on the ground and Nicholas picks it up again. Like this is going to be, you know, is Santa’s hunting manual or something  they ha they share a romantic kiss.

And then the last scene is Santa’s in full biker garb, you know, looking. Like a bad-ass biker at the airport and he’s trying to buy a ticket to the North pole and the counter lady’s like, do you have any bags? And he picks up his big red Santa’s sack on the

Todd: counter.

Craig: He goes and sits down between two average size people.

And he’s just this huge hulking man just. Sitting there kind of standing around and, um, I feel like he breaks the fourth wall and says his wrestling tagline to the camera. And then. Then that’s, that’s it, that’s the movie,

Todd: you know, I mean, it is what it is, and this is just that kind of movie. It’s not what I was expecting.

You know, we do a horror podcast, even, even though we do a lot of horror comedy, we kind of want to do horror

Craig: more.

Todd: Yeah. You know, we like our horror comedies to be heavy on horror. I didn’t really feel like this was that heavy on horror just because it was so, so dumb. But, you know, it had the horror elements of a demonic Santa running around killing people.

It had great, great action sequences for Mo you know, half of them were great. Some of them just went on too long. Not a lot of it made sense. So it’s the kind of movie where you just hang your discernment at the door. And if you’re in the mood for a bunch of goofy, dumb ass, one-liners a plot that you don’t even need to follow because it makes no sense characters that are just characatures so that you can just plow through a bunch of action scenes and watch a lot of Gores.

A lot of blood Gore, the 41 body count in this movie is 41. Then, yeah. I mean, it’s just, it’s just a goofy, just a big, dumb, goofy movie. And, uh, I’m, I’m not opposed to that at all. I mean, it was fine for what it was. Uh, so, you know, if that’s what you’re in for, that’s what you’re looking for. I I’d recommend it to you, I guess.

Craig: Yeah. I mean, it’s a popcorn movie. It’s a drive-in movie. It’s a snuggle up with your loved one on Christmas Eve, just for some, you know, stupid fun. Oh,

Todd: I am sure. This is a tradition for a lot of people. I’m sure there are a lot of people out there who just love this movie and probably put it on every year and get a real kick out of it.

And I don’t blame them, you know? It’s.

Craig: Yeah. It’s, it’s not my cup of tea. I didn’t really like it. I thought it was pretty stupid. But then again, there have been movies that I’ve really liked that other people have thought are really stupid. So it’s just one it’s I think it’s kind of hit or miss, you know, if you’re in the mood for it and you know what you’re getting into, and that’s what you’re looking for.

I think you’re going to. Get it in spades. Um, but yeah, I don’t know. I just thought it was okay. Not bad. Fun. And even though to me not to be fair. When we watch these movies, you know, I take a bunch of notes and I’m going back and forth between the movie and I MDB and writing down the actors names. And, you know, so I guess my point is like, I’m focused on the analytical part of it, and that’s not what this movie,

Todd: you know, this,

Craig: this is not a movie that you want to try to think about,

Todd: you know,

Craig: just, just put it on and maybe.

Halfway pay attention. And it’s only an hour and 15 minutes long. Um, yeah, and I think it could be fun. It could be fun in the right environment

Todd: and it’s not, I mean, it’s not scary. It’s it’s maybe IMDBs description is very apropos, you know, uh, it’s a comedy fantasy it’s super bloody and it has this kind of supernatural element to it.

But as far as considering it a horror movie, if you define a horror movies, a movie that has some level of tension or scare in it, this isn’t that. It’s definitely not that

Craig: well. And if it were something that like, you know, when I was an adolescent early teenage boy, if it was something that I had, you know, gone to the video store and picked up with my cousins, we had sat around and watched it together.

I probably wouldn’t probably would have been, we probably would have been quoting it for days, you know, but. I’m old now.

What’s wrong with

Todd: us. All right. Well, anyway, thank you so much for listening to another episode. If you enjoyed this, please share it with the friends. If you enjoy this movie. Or you want to see some of the other movies that we’ve reviewed. You can find us anywhere online by Googling two guys and a chainsaw.

They have a website, two guys that read 40 where you can leave a message for us on Facebook as well. Just send us a message to any of those ways to let us know what you brought to this movie, to let us know and requests. You might have, we still have at least a couple more weeks of holiday horror movies to bring to you this year till we ring in 2021.

Craig: Thank God. Oh

Todd: God. Yeah. 2021 can’t come soon enough. Until next time. I’m Todd and I’m Craig with two guys and a chainsaw.

2 Responses

  1. Lewis Giles says:

    Great review guys this is hands down my favorite podcast RIP Tom Lister Jr who was in this movie and recently passed away

    • toddkuhns says:

      Thanks! Yes, I thought it was a crazy coincidence that we reviewed this the very week he passed away. What are the chances?

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