Don’t Go In The Woods
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The new gold standard against which all our “bad” horror movies are judged. You’ve been warned.
Don’t Go Into the Woods (1981)
Episode 123, 2 Guys and a Chainsaw Horror Movie Review Podcast
Todd: Hello, and welcome to another edition of 2 Guys and a Chainsaw. I’m Todd.
Craig: And I’m Craig.
Todd: We are 3 into our month of don’ts. We previously did Don’t Breathe and Don’t Look Now. And, this one is the third one in the series, Don’t Go Into the Woods. This, I chose this one. I recognize the cover art from days gone by. It is a 1981 film, and I do remember reading about it over time. Every now and then, whenever I get on the bowels of the Internet and I go down these rabbit holes and I read about old horror movies, and you run across what was called the the British Video Nasties thing, which was, a time in the history of the UK when they banned a whole bunch of movies, from being released in Britain, on VHS because they were deemed too mostly just too violent. Yeah. So a lot of these horror movies that we end up reviewing here got swept up in that. And the thing I I mean, I’m not from Britain. I’d obviously, we did live there at the time. So I don’t know a whole lot about this controversy, except for the fact that it seemed to frustrate a lot of people because, the you know, you know, why something would get banned. And it took quite a while. It took decades for these movies to get off of that list and become available, in Great Britain again. And this is one of those films that’s often cited as one of the nastier of the video nasties. So we decided, we needed to do it, and it’s quite a movie.
Craig: Wow. That’s that’s saying something.
Todd: I I have to say Craig, I’m just gonna go out on a limb here, and say this could very well be the worst of the worst films that we have reviewed so far.
Craig: It’s it’s pretty bad.
Todd: I mean, I’m really racking my brain to find a worse movie. You know, you always people always say this, and I always laugh, actually, when people talk about, oh, it’s the worst movie I ever saw. It’s like, you guys have not seen the movies that I have seen. Right. You know, most of the time when people say that about, you know, films, it’s I can point to much, much worse films, but this one pretty well takes the cake. There have been few films I’ve seen that were worse than this one, that were, you know, not rated x. And even those even those had some entertainment value. This one I was really pushing to find. So Craig, tell me your history with this fine film.
Craig: Oh, gosh. I don’t I I didn’t know anything about it. Never heard of it, but you have brought it up from the very beginning when we I don’t remember who it was who recommended that we do this theme, but, from the very beginning you were like, oh, we gotta do Don’t Go in the Woods. And so I was expecting some, you know, cult classic kind of thing that I had just been unaware of, for some reason and I I get now why I had never heard of it. I I kinda wish I still hadn’t. Yeah. Like,
Todd: I have a hard time even believing that this movie would be fun to see with a group of people.
Craig: I don’t know, man. I like No. It’s really bad. Now there are some parts, like, it’s one of those it pushes the line of it straddles that fence of so bad, it’s good. Like, there are some moments that are so bad that they’re kinda funny. I mean, I legitimately laughed out loud
Todd: Mhmm.
Craig: Sometimes. But this is one of those movies where I was I’m laughing at it. Like, I I don’t even know if the filmmakers I don’t even know what they were going for here. That’s the thing. Like, I feel like this movie doesn’t even really know what it wants to be. I I don’t get if it was supposed to be straight up horror or if it was supposed to be some sort of commentary. I can’t imagine what it would be commentary on. You know, I guess don’t go hiking. I I don’t know. But it it it’s just really bad, and and they had to have known how bad it was, I guess. And there are some moments that are so winky and so tongue and cheeky that I feel like, okay. I I guess I get that they knew they were making a bad movie and so they’re, you know, kind of tipping their cap to us in some of these places, but ultimately, it it it’s just really bad. I mean, like, there’s really not much to be said for it. Now what I will say is the okay. So the first half hour I watched on my lunch break at work and, I watched it on YouTube And the video quality was so bad that it made it almost unwatchable, and I was not looking forward to finishing it, like I was dreading finishing it. But when I was at home, I used the link that you had sent me and it was a much better transfer. The the picture was much better, and that made it a little bit less painful to watch, not a ton. You know, I have no idea. I I think it’s probably better that I don’t know where you find these things,
Clip: But but
Craig: where but wherever you found it, I can only imagine that this is some sort of restoration or or, some sort of upgrade from the original, because it’s so much cleaner, what what you sent me. Just oh my gosh. I mean, where to start? The acting is terrible. Oh my god. Some of the worst acting I’ve ever seen in my life, and that’s saying a lot because I do a lot of community theater. And and not only that, but the entire movie is dubbed. And I have no idea why. Like, again, I say this all the time, but it’s true. You’re the technical guy. I mean, was is is that just cutting corners? I mean, is that, you know, a a budget thing? Is it is it cheaper to go back in and and dub the vocals later? Because the original actors dubbed their own voices except for 1. There was one guy who wasn’t available, and they ended up the director dubbed all his lines. But for for the rest of them, it was all the original actors. But why? Why do you do that?
Todd: I honestly don’t believe that the filmmakers here were sophisticated enough or had enough money or resources to do on set sound. I mean, the movie was apparently shot it was designed to be done entirely outdoors so that they didn’t have to do any lighting. There’s no light crew on the set. I mean, they are out and filming outdoors in the bright daylight for almost the entire film. There are few scenes that happen at night, and they’re poorly lit, and really bad. So if they didn’t have a light crew, I’m sure they didn’t have a sound Craig, and they probably didn’t wanna mess with it because they’re running around, in these open spaces, they didn’t want to have to frame their shots to get a boom in there, and probably deal with the sounds of nature that were all around them, and you know, the sounds of trees and their own walking and the bubbling brooks and the birds and whatever planes might be flying overhead. I I imagine it was just a choice made. The principal photography for this was completed apparently in 10 days, and it shows. It just looks like something some people threw together over a weekend. And if it had been shot even, like, 5 years later, or, I don’t know, maybe 10 years later, I would imagine the thing would have been shot on video. I mean, it looks like, a shot on video film that’s just shot on film. I mean, it’s just it’s one step away. That’s that’s the quality of the cinematography in this movie.
Craig: Yeah. It’s it’s bad. And like you said, you know, the scenes at night, again, you know, the the transfer or whatever it was that you sent to me, it was better. But, you know, what I was watching on YouTube, it was kinda scratchy. I would imagine that it was probably pulled from a VHS copy, from the eighties, and and it so it hadn’t aged well. But, like, some of the night shots, I couldn’t even see what was going on. Like, I had no idea. In fact, there was one whole scene that I couldn’t see. I think that the actor in that scene was black, and maybe that had something to do with it. Oh, yeah. Could very well be. Because all all I could see was, like, the whites of his eyes and the whites of his teeth. I don’t know what’s going on here. But anyway, I mean, we may as well get into it. Well, let’s, I mean Do we have to? Yeah. I mean, I what else are we gonna do? I mean, we can sit here and talk about how bad it is, but, okay. So I’m just gonna say upfront that the whole time I was watching this, I was thinking, this is a poor man’s The Hills Have Eyes. It’s like somebody watched The Hills Have Eyes and thought, oh, that’s kind of a good movie. I’ll go out and do something like that in the woods. But but we’ll only have one. We could you know, we we’ve only got the facilities or the, you know, money or whatever for one scary wild man. So we’ll just have one scary wild man, and, we’ll just have him kill a bunch of people. So the the story is about Yeah. I guess, primarily, these 4, campers. There’s Peter, Craig, Joni, and Ingrid. And, they’re all just kind of these rando people. I mean, I guess I I didn’t write down any of the actors’ names because I didn’t recognize any of them. You know, I I looked at their, you know, IMDB pages. You know, this is the movie they’re known for. Like, some of them were in a couple other movies. The the lady who played Ingrid, her name is Mary Gayle Arts, and I guess after this, she went on to become a huge casting director in Hollywood, and, like, she casted Carpenter’s Halloween 2, and, she casted Nightmare Before Christmas and the House of Wax remake, and she’s got a ton of credits. So she went on to do other stuff, but this is the only movie she was ever in. So it’s these 4 hikers, and they go into the woods. Craig is, like, I don’t know, the their expert hiker or whatever. And so in the very beginning, he gives them all these rules.
Clip: If you’re gonna survive in the wilderness, you gotta remember 3 things. First is don’t panic. If you’re lost and scared, you ain’t gonna make it. Get Todd on you. Figure on spending the night. Anyhow, it’s Johnson’s will do just fine.
Todd: Uh-huh.
Clip: And you can forget all that boy scout nonsense about following rivers down stream. Get on top of something high. The undergrowth is too thick. You gotta be able to see. Go from ridge to ridge, not river to river.
Craig: Then at one point, he’s like at one point, he’s like, oh, and be careful of rabies too. Like like, okay. I’ll be sure to be careful of rabies.
Todd: This guy this guy is so fun to have around.
Clip: All he does is spout these these bits of stupid whiz to
Todd: bet at, and, I I just wanted to punch him in the face. Yeah. Oh, he’s super cute. After about 3 minutes.
Clip: Never never go in the woods alone. Avoid any animal approaching you in the woods. The most feared animal in the woods is man.
Todd: My favorite part is when they hike up to the top of the of the mountain, and he and somebody says, shouldn’t we be worried about bears or coyotes? And his bright brilliant advice is
Clip: Ingrid, no animal at its right mind is going to bother us.
Todd: Yeah. Like what?
Craig: If you say so. This is the guy
Todd: who was telling you to not to go into the woods alone, and now he’s telling you, nah, don’t worry about wild animals.
Craig: Right. It’ll be fine.
Todd: You cannot go much further though without commenting on how horrible the music is. Mhmm. As soon as the title sequence came on, I thought, is this a freaking joke?
Craig: Oh, you knew it was gonna be bad because the title sequence is so bad, and it, like, the opening credits look like end credits. Like, in fact, the opening credits are longer.
Todd: Which is a shame because that horrible title music has to extend all the way across it. Uh-huh. And it doesn’t get any better as it goes on. And And then but before we even see the hikers, it’s just random people in the woods getting killed.
Craig: Well, and that’s It’s like a
Todd: woman running.
Craig: Oh, and that’s the other thing. It’s so funny about this movie is, like, this is not some, you know, deep backwoods area that we’re talking about. Like, this is apparently, like, the most popular tourist attraction in this area because it is just streaming with people. Like, people everywhere and, like, Midwestern couples in their tracksuits, you know, hikers in their, you know, little shorty shorts and headbands, a girl on roller skates at one point. Like, what? Why?
Todd: Like, why? I know.
Craig: Roller skates in the woods? I don’t understand.
Todd: Roller skating on a trail down in the woods. Yeah. A bird watcher. Like, that couple that looks like they’re, like, visiting Las Vegas or something. Uh-huh.
Craig: And and then towards the end, there’s a a big fat guy in a wheelchair who, like, it just cuts back to, like, 20 times trying to make his way up this hill and, like, he’s just grunting, like, all alone. There’s lots of grunting in this movie. That’s true. It’s weird. It it so it this this, I don’t know, state park, I guess, it, you know, just has tons of people in it and this crazy wild man who you don’t see for a while, like, they kinda try to make you wonder what’s, you know, who the killer is, what’s going on for a while, and, oh, I don’t know. I maybe it could be a bear. Who knows? Because, like, you know, the first slashings and things are you just you just kinda see the aftermath. You don’t really see what’s going on. But eventually, it’s revealed to be, like, this wild man of the forest, and I don’t even know how to describe him. He’s got like this headpiece on that’s got like these beaded ropes that hang down in front of his face and
Todd: Yeah. It’s like Hagrid went to a Renaissance festival. Yeah. Also mixed with the dude from the revenant. I mean
Craig: Kind of.
Todd: It’s just a stupid, stupid outfit.
Craig: Yeah. It’s like you went to Walmart at Halloween time and bought a caveman costume and then rolled around in the dirt for a while,
Todd: like Yeah.
Craig: It does it’s I don’t know. It’s just dumb. These woods are right outside of a town and Yeah. This wild man lives in this cabin which apparently is not hard to find and as it turns out the police know it’s there, like, what? I don’t even it’s it’s so weird. And and so Yeah. So you’ve got the 4 campers, and and they’re, you know, kind of going along doing their own thing and nothing really happens with them for a while, but people are just literally getting slaughtered all around them, and and they don’t even notice. Like Yeah. Like, the like, the wild man will slaughter that Vegas middle aged guy and then throw him down onto the rocks where these kids are, like, playing around and splashing in the water. It’s, like, 5 feet away from them and they are just completely oblivious to it. And that’s it. That’s the whole movie. The end.
Todd: Basically thank you. That was kinda what I wanted it to end because, yeah, it’s it’s really bad. Then we get to a guy, sheriff driving or he’s a deputy, I guess, driving in the Todd. And may this must be Utah. I think a lot of it was filmed in Utah. It looks
Craig: like Utah.
Todd: Like, the woods that we’re talking about are, like, half woods, half fields, sort of, at the base of a mountain. Like you said, it’s not even that much cover. Right? But, you know, it’s a small town. He’s driving and, walks into the police office and there is just the most horrible dialogue.
Craig: Oh, it’s all terrible. Yeah.
Clip: The sheriff seen this report yet? You know he’s busy and asked not to be disturbed. Something’s wrong. There have been 4 reports in the same area. Bears again. Ever handcuff a grizzly? If any of my bears come into town, then you can arrest them. Otherwise, this county mannies will take care of him. For the last time, the sheriff is busy. He does not wanna be disturbed. Right. Todd messing in county business, Jesse. The sheriff will take care of everything outside the city limits. We’re city. He’s county.
Todd: The sheriff, of course, is playing golf, hardy har har in his office, and he’s a big fat guy.
Craig: Right? Like it’s I guess it’s supposed to be funny, but it just doesn’t play. Yeah.
Todd: And he doesn’t even look at him, and this guy walks into the room. And as he’s putting, he just says, another missing person’s report? Yep. And so they just start talking about how there are a bunch of missing people and how they really need to get to the bottom of this. And so then the sheriff and his deputy go talk to a store owner, and he does I don’t know. He must be talking about one of the couples. It Todd doesn’t even matter. You don’t even care, and he doesn’t even care. It’s like he he just sort of brushes it off like, all these people missing, they’re probably big city slicker folks who don’t know what they’re doing, blah blah blah. They’ll turn up later in Lake Tahoe or something. Then there’s a moment, and I feel like maybe they got a Todd of, somebody’s private plane for the day. So there’s a scene where the sheriff goes up in a plane with a guy for, like, 2 minutes to go out over the woods and look down. Now based on what we’ve seen, he should see all kinds of people down there, including a bunch of dead bodies and stuff. He looks down there for about 5 minutes and then just writes it all off and decides he’s gonna Yeah.
Craig: Well, we may as well go back. We’re not gonna find anybody. Like, they’re they’re up there for 2 seconds. Like, yeah. Nah. Don’t say anything. Let’s go back.
Todd: And then then it’s nighttime, and these people, they talk about how they’re, like, hiking to a cabin Mhmm. But they can’t quite find it, and so they decide they’re gonna camp for the day. But then as the movie goes on, it it seems like they camp, like, 2 or 3 times. Uh-huh. I guess, 2 or 3 days are supposed to be passing in all this time, and they really don’t even care about finding the cabin anymore.
Craig: I guess.
Todd: But, anyway, the first time they do, we get this campfire scene. This campfire scene is supposed to be one of those typical know it all Craig, I think Yeah. Is telling a spooky story to the others, but I don’t know if they lost the footage.
Craig: They did.
Todd: I mean, what happened? Oh, okay. Is that it? Yeah. Because there’s no shot of Craig whatsoever in this. It is it is so awkward. It’s entirely close-up on 2 of the other characters as they sit and listen and react to his story, which goes on for like almost, I don’t know, 5 or 6 minutes. And it’s not even just that but it seems like they had to blow up the film like they had to zoom in on these 2 because it’s extremely grainy and it just looks a little blown up it’s terrible. Mhmm. It’s terrible, and there’s no point to it. You know, there’s no blah. Well, I guess there’s a point which could be all we’re freaked out or something, but it’s just like they’re trying to check these boxes Yes. Of what you find in a horror movie, and that’s one of the things they had to squeeze in. So by Todd by god, even though they don’t have half of the footage for it and it looks really terrible, they’re gonna squeeze it in anyway, so they do.
Craig: Well, and the 4 campers, they’re just so blah and boring, like, you don’t even care. And listen, I hate to be superficial, but, you know, in these types of movies, at least usually you get to look at some pretty people. And, like, these people aren’t even pretty. I mean, like, Peter. Peter. Peter, one of the guys, like, the the kind of bad boy one, who gets mad all the time. I mean, he’s he’s pretty good looking, I guess, but the rest of them are just very average types people. And, folks, I’m a very average type person, so it’s not like I’m, you know, it’s not like I’m sitting at my ivory tower looking down on people. But both of the girls have really super short hair, like, I at first I wasn’t even sure if they were men or women and Craig is ugly and I can say that because that’s my name. So Oh, that makes it alright. There’s my disparaging self disparaging moment for, the day. But my favorite parts, and that’s throwing that word around very loosely, are the scenes of just random people getting killed. And of those scenes, my favorite one is when they cut to this like, it’s like a great big VW van. And, you know, we see it from the outside and the lights are all on inside. And then we go inside and what we see is, like, a velvet painting of Farrah Farrah Fawcett on the on the ceiling. And then it pans down to these, like, late seventies porn star looking folks and they’re kind of
Todd: No. That’s that’s too kind. Like, it’s bad. Bad porn. Could not get cast into porn for the life of them, I’m afraid.
Craig: Oh, gosh. But anyway, they’re they’re, like, kinda making out, like, in the bed, like, in this van or whatever. And their names are Cherry and Dick. And and Cherry’s like
Clip: Do you think it’s just not perfect? Oh, baby. Baby. We’ll work it out. Come here, baby. Come here. Cherry. Cherry, you’re the most beautiful thing that ever came into my life.
Craig: Oh, dick. I don’t know dick. I just don’t know dick if this is gonna be the right time, dick. And, and he’s like and then she sees something outside and she’s like, dick, What is that dick? And, and so, he’s like, well, I don’t know, but I’m gonna protect you. And he like, pulls a gun out of a little safe or something and he walks out in the woods. And, you know, we see him walking out in the woods a little bit, but, you know, not for very long before he just gets attacked and killed. But then Cherry is just standing, like, in the door of the van and for at least 30 seconds. Dick.
Todd: Dick? Dick. Dick. Dick, are you out there? Dick?
Craig: All all night long last night.
Todd: That’s as much dick as is in this movie. And there’s a lot of dick. Oh, man. There’s a lot of dick in this movie. There are no you know, I I haven’t cared about seeing any nudity in a movie since, you know, I was a teenager.
Craig: I have Todd I have
Todd: to say this movie, I just I wanted I wanted it so badly, Not because anybody was attractive, but because I thought, well, surely, they’re they’re checking that box too. Somebody’s gonna take their top off. And I was just wondering who it was gonna be. I was almost take placing bets with myself, you know, and not a single bit of nudity No. In this film.
Craig: No. No. But so so then then somehow the the madman, who we still haven’t seen yet, but somehow he he rolls the van down a cliff. Like, how is that even possible? Like, this one guy just pushed the van over and, like, it rolls down the hill and, it and blows up at the bottom. And the whole time it’s rolling down the hill, you just get this constant vocal track of her screaming. Like like, she’s she’s not being jostled around or anything. It’s just, dick. Like as it’s rolling down the hill. And then it blows up at the bottom. Oh,
Todd: gosh. Good times. They’re just some really weird ones too. It’s like they really were stretching to find all kinds of different people to put in. Maybe I could give him this amount of credit is that, you know, when you watch, I don’t know, Friday 13th, some other movie where people get killed in the woods, it’s usually all just like camp counselors or campers or hikers or something. In this, they really try hard to get a variety of colorful characters out there like you already described. A random dude in a wheelchair, some roller skater, and then we get a painter. Mhmm. Some plein air painter who I think is a woman Yeah.
Craig: It was a woman. Who has set up
Todd: a little camp out there and has a little girl bouncing around in a swing, in this tree who doesn’t talk and who’s, I don’t know, 5 or 6 years old?
Craig: No, 2 maybe.
Todd: 2 or 3, yeah, you’re right. 2 or 3 is bouncing around in this thing and eating a bar of chocolate while this person is painting a building out in the woods. I
Craig: didn’t need Todd Didn’t make
Todd: a hell of a lot of sense.
Craig: That’s funny.
Todd: They were kinda trying hard not to show the painting, but they couldn’t help do it. And it’s like, that is a building. And what did she and she just likes to go out to the woods for inspiration, but she paints from memory or a photograph or something. And, this person gets killed against her thing, and then it you know, I think they’re trying to build this tension, like, what’s gonna happen to the girl? And the girl disappears. Mhmm. Shows to swing, and she’s gone. I only bring this up because there’s gonna be an amazing twist. Right?
Craig: Oh, gosh. And then okay. So the 4 of the 4 campers and, like, you said, it’s all these random people that get killed in these random moments, and it’s true. It totally is. And I read that all of those scenes, they filmed on the weekends with either the crew or friends and family who they could con into doing this. And and they filmed all of these preproduction. And so I I have a feeling that they just filmed a bunch of kill scenes and they’re like, we’ll stick them in somewhere. Yeah. It doesn’t matter.
Todd: All these people who totally regret it years later, but it’s just it’s just filler. It’s really just filler for the movie and they’re not even suspenseful. No. I mean well, that’s the thing, you know, when you do this, I I I really kinda got to thinking about it. I was like why is this so boring? It’s because even in the most high body count slasher films, they try to do a little something to introduce you to the characters before they off them. You know? And in this, it’s just I see some random guy watching some birds, and, oh, he gets killed. And, oh, this random person’s painting, and then she gets killed. You don’t care.
Craig: No. And they’re not killed in creative ways at all. Like, they just get hacked with a machete, and, like, they’ll just be doing their thing, and then all of a sudden, hack later. Oh, there’s a bunch of blood and they’re dead now. And and it is really bloody.
Todd: It is bloody, but that’s all. It’s it’s not gore effects, you know. If if if it gets in close on something, they might have a torn up shirt with a bunch of blood all over, but you can tell they couldn’t afford to even throw, I don’t know, you know, some Craig intestines or
Craig: No. It’s barbecue sauce, literally. Barbecue sauce and red food coloring is what I read they
Todd: used. Jeez. A lot of it looks so fake especially when it got up close. It looks because maybe the thickness. It must have been the thickness. I don’t know. It looks like red paint to
Craig: me. Yeah. I mean, it’s really it’s very red. I I whatever. I mean
Todd: Well, it’s so bad that you just can’t imagine that anybody thought this movie would bother anyone. You know? Right. Really? You’re gonna ban this?
Craig: Yeah. Exactly. Gosh. And every time you go back to the main four people, that’s super boring too. Like, they’re not doing anything. They’re just walking through the woods and at some point, Peter gets mad about something. I don’t even know what he gets mad about, and so he goes off alone to camp. And then there’s that scene where some couple gets killed. It was so dark I couldn’t even see what was going on.
Todd: They get pulled up in sleeping bags. Do they? Their sleeping bags get pulled up into a tree, but what’s crazy about this is you don’t even see them before they start getting killed. Like, it immediately cuts to the interior of a sleeping bag with this man screaming Yeah. And the interior of another sleeping bag with this woman screaming. It’s like, what’s going on? And then their sleeping bags get hoisted up into these trees, and they get whacked a bunch of times. That’s that’s what it is.
Craig: I I saw none of that.
Todd: Set up. Yeah. Well, it was, yeah, it was one of those few night scenes, and unless you had a good transfer, you absolutely wouldn’t see any of it. It wasn’t well filmed anyway.
Craig: And and then there’s also a bunch of really lame ass jump scares. Like, there’ll be spooky, you know, music, if you wanna call it that. But, and then, you know, somebody will just step into Craig, like, ah. Ah. Like Oh, no. Scary. Okay. And so then Peter’s off by himself, and it’s daytime again. And, like, I feel like he’s watching the rest of them, like, play in the river or something. And he sees this fisherman get killed. Like, I guess this wild man of the forest, like, sets traps or something and, like, this bear trap, like, swings out of a tree or something and and gets this guy’s face. And Peter sees it and he runs off. And that’s really when we get the first sight of this madman. And so now we know who the bad guy is. And so Peter gets chased and then Joanie plays some sort of prank on Craig. And so he’s mad at her and he wants to get her back. So he strings her up in a sleeping bag, which that’s really not funny. Like,
Todd: that’s not funny at all.
Craig: It’s not a good break at all. And then he’s just, like, running around taunting her. And, she, like, rips a hole in the sleeping bag so she can kinda see out. And she’s like, Craig, I think there’s somebody else out there. And he’s just, like, running around taunting her.
Clip: He’s going to get you. You can’t escape.
Craig: So then he gets killed and, like, he gets sliced and then you just see his body on the ground, like, getting dragged and his arm is chopped off. Like, when did his arm get chopped off? That’s I missed that. And then it’s just a bunch of chasing. You know? Like
Clip: Yeah.
Todd: They run around a lot. They find the cabin.
Craig: Yet Peter and and Ingrid somehow end up hooking back up together.
Todd: Oh, and they find this cabin. And this this is my favorite line of the whole movie. Yeah.
Craig: I know what you’re gonna say.
Todd: You do. Right? They’re approaching the cabin.
Clip: This place, he’s in there. He would have already heard us. We need food if we’re gonna make it out of here. If it’s his food, I’ll still take it. Yeah.
Craig: They’ve been without food for maybe, like, 8 hours, and they act like they’re starving to death. Like, you’re gonna be okay.
Todd: It’s not like we’ve even seen them eat food. Right. You know? Food has not been a thing at all in this film and up to that point. It’s so dumb.
Craig: And the wild man yells a lot, and, you know, every time he chases them, he’s like yelling and grunting and
Todd: Oh, and there’s a random hiker who finds the dude’s walking stick, which I guess he just decided to leave in a tree.
Craig: I think it was supposed to be a trap,
Todd: which is
Craig: so funny because this hiker just randomly finds okay. So this wild man carries this stick that’s covered in, like, keys and other jingly jangly things, which also makes no sense because it totally announces his presence anytime he’s around. Like, he wants people to know he’s coming. Okay. But this hiker finds it and he’s like, oh, this is weird. So I guess I’ll keep it. The hiker’s walking along with it and Peter and Ingrid are hiding. And Peter somewhere has found this enormous branch with like, a spear end on it. And so when he hears the jingle jangle coming, he jumps up and he spears the the hiker right in the abdomen, like, totally kills him and then they get chased some more. Todd, I mean, it’s just it’s droll to even have to talk about it. Sorry. I’m sorry, listeners. Like, you you can turn it off. We we won’t be offended. There’s nothing to nothing to hear here.
Todd: Nothing to see. Nothing to hear. That bad guy surfaces up, and he starts throwing branches of spears, but then we get you know, I don’t know. They run away from him. I love this part where Peter tries to wash the blood off of his spear in the stream, which wouldn’t even work, but, anyway, there’s supposed to be, I think, this poignant moment where Ingrid is hurt, and Peter is cuddled up to her, and it’s getting nighttime again, and this is my second favorite sequence in the whole film. And again, you’re checking the boxes. They’re supposed to have this tender moment where they’re talking about what they’re gonna do when they get back.
Clip: There’s so much I wanna tell you when we get back. Ingrid, just rest. We’ll be out of here soon. More food, more bed, and a doctor for your cut. We’re gonna make it. We’re gonna make it.
Craig: We’re we’re gonna make
Todd: it. It’s I love that. A doctor for your cut. Yeah. I wrote
Craig: it down too. It was so funny. And and the acting is so bad. We I I forgot to mention that when they were in the cabin, like, there’s also, like, traps set up in the cabin, but all the traps do is, like, drop sawdust on them. Like, I don’t even really know what the purpose of these traps are. But, when they set off one of these traps, the body of Craig is, like, revealed. And the look of horror on Peter’s face was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Oh my god. The acting is so, so bad. And then they okay. So not only are they being chased by this wild man and it’s nighttime now, so they are gonna camp out, but they make a fire and lay down next to it. Like, yeah. That’s real and conspicuous, folks. Like, he’ll never find
Todd: you now.
Craig: And then then they wake up in the morning under a ski lift and the town is about 200 yards away. We made it.
Todd: We finally made it.
Clip: We’re gonna be great. We’re gonna be alright.
Craig: And then okay. So they run down to the town and and it’s, you know, then we get the fat sheriff again, and they’re in a hospital. And they’re talking to doctor Maggie who is also an amazing actress.
Clip: Do you think you have enough men to run this maniac down? Oh, yeah. Plenty. Could be a mass murder deal. I don’t wanna develop it into those circus.
Todd: Sheriff?
Craig: Doctor Maggie. Hello, Maggie.
Clip: How are the 2 campers? Well, the girl lost a lot of blood, but we’ve gotten her over the shock, and she should be on her feet fairly shortly. She’s not the problem. The guy worries me too. He keeps talking about this Joanie, the one that left in the woods. He keeps going over and over that. I know he’s really feeling guilty. There’s a lot of pressure under that kind of stress and he might he might become irrational.
Craig: They’re literally right next to this town. Like, how did they not see the lights the night before?
Todd: Yeah. Well and they’ve been surrounded like we’ve said before. They’ve been surrounded by other people. There are so many people in this in these woods getting off by this one guy running around with jangly stuff, you know.
Craig: When they said we made it and they run down to the town and I now see that they’re in the hospital and stuff, I looked at the clock and said, there’s still 25 minutes of this movie left. Like You know, I didn’t look
Todd: at the clock and I thought, oh, good. The movie’s wrapping up.
Craig: No. There’s still 25 minutes left. And seriously, they should’ve just ended it. Oh, god. Peter’s all distraught because Joanie’s still out there and he left him there and the the the cop is talking about, like, planning a search and it seems anything but urgent. Yeah. And and doctor Maggie is worried that Peter is irrational and she doesn’t know what he’s gonna do. And then immediately, we see Peter running back into the woods. Oh my god. It just doesn’t get any more stupid. Like, seriously? Just let the police do their jobs. Like, Joni. Nobody cares about her anyway. Just leave her out there. And so then I’m thinking, okay. So now Peter is gonna be the hero, and he’s gonna go out and he’s gonna find Joni, and he’s gonna save her and save the day and blah. No. Joni runs around and, like, the next time we see her, she runs to this creek and, like, she she drinks some water and then she eats the very last bite of her baby Ruth and she’s just in desperation. And so she runs to she she she finds the cabin also. And this was the part where I’m like, seriously? Because, like, she starts digging through the garbage and she starts eating the garbage, like, this gross disgusting garbage. Like, you are not that hungry. You have been out there for one day. You are gonna be alright. Stop eating this disgusting garbage.
Todd: And then she gets killed. Whoever wrote this and this is the only thing he wrote, by the way. He wrote one other thing before this, but, you know, there’s nothing you could possibly do after this. There’s no dramatic tension in this movie at all because between the random people getting killed that we don’t care about that pads out the movie, the primary actors in here who we don’t really give a rip about, who have no soul or no character, nothing of interest, then there’s supposedly this whole subplot where he’s distraught, and he’s going out to rescue Joanie. And what happens is Joanie just gets killed.
Craig: Yeah. I feel like they try to add some dramatic tension. When she’s looking around the cabin, she finds this cardboard box and, like, she opens it up and we don’t see what’s in there, but she, like, has this horrified look on her face like, oh my Todd. But then the bad guy just comes in and, like, he he literally walks in right behind her looking like, oh, Jesus. I’m at work. Can we just get this over with? Like, he’s just standing there. Like, he’s not really menacing at all. And, like, she runs into this room, and she’s trying to break out of a window, but it’s chained. And he just kind of saunters up behind her and starts hacking her up with a machete. And, it you know, it’s lots of blood, but like you said, it’s really just, you know, they went in and cut up her t shirt between takes and and then splash her with a bunch of barbecue sauce. And I thought we were gonna get to see her boobs, but we didn’t. Not that I was anticipating it as much as you were. But again
Todd: I was just expecting it, you
Craig: know. Right? Yeah. And and Yeah. So then so then she’s dead. And then they like, the police form a search party and the the hot deputy has his shirt unbuttoned to his navel. Like, what? You’re at work.
Todd: What is happening?
Craig: And the fat the fat sheriff the fat sheriff is like, I want you to tell all these guys to go look along these ridges. And the hot deputies like, what are you gonna do? And the fat sheriff’s like, I’m gonna go check out the cabin. Like, you know that cabin’s there? And and and then he does. The dep or the sheriff goes up to the cabin, and he’s looking around. And, again, this is very much where I was getting, like, the hills have eyes vibes because, like, you see all these, like, IDs, and wallets and things. Like, apparently, this has been going on for years, and the police just didn’t know about it even though they knew this cabin was there and even though this is a highly populated area where people are getting killed in mass on a daily basis. Like, so dumb. So dumb. Yeah. And then and then doctor Maggie, in all of her medical wisdom, thinks it would be a good idea to bring Ingrid in back into the woods because she’s worried about Peter and maybe if they find Peter then Ingrid will be able to talk him into coming in or something. It’s just so it’s so badly written, like, there’s nothing about it makes any sense. Nothing about it is good. You get the whole wheelchair gag then here and and they play it as a gag. The music even gets like Like, it’s supposed to be funny, like and they keep cutting back to it and it’s just this fat guy trying to wheel his way up a path in the woods and there’s they cut back to it, like, I would say at least 3 or 4 times. At some point, he falls out of his wheelchair like, fat guy fell out of his wheelchair. But then he finally gets up to the top of the mountain and it’s like he’s looking over this beautiful view and his head gets sliced off with a machete. That’s it. Like Mhmm. Like, we literally spent 5 or 6 minutes with this guy just so we could get a split second shot in the dark of his head getting sliced off in a totally unconvincing way. And then okay, Todd. And then so talk about the end.
Todd: Alright. So, basically, oh, Ingrid disappeared. Big surprise there, and all the whole posse is looking blah blah blah. They’re pretty terrible at this. Peter’s running around in the woods. He has his spear back, I guess.
Craig: Yeah. Or another one. Apparently, this forest is littered with spears.
Todd: And he is wandering, like, through the field, not even the woods. It’s like this field area, and he stops to sand it down and immediately gets attacked by this fat guy again. And then Ingrid suddenly shows up, and she runs in. And so there’s a whole scene between them. Finally, I think the fat guy’s got Ingrid down. Peter ends up with a spear. He tosses it at the fat guy. He goes down, and they sort of think he’s dead. And so then they embrace. They have this very stereotypical 12 feet away from the guy laying on the ground. They decide they wanna make out.
Craig: Yeah. And they found an excuse for him to get his shirt off.
Todd: Yeah. Oh, it’s terrible. It’s so bad. And then the camera pans down, and look. This guy’s gone.
Craig: Surprise. And
Todd: then he appears again, and then they stab him to death.
Clip: And they and the way they
Todd: stab him, he’s this guy oh, and it looks so fake too. This big guy is laying on the ground, and he must have, like, a metal plate under his shirt and a bunch of blood splatter all over him. Yeah. And the 2 of them, Peter and Ingrid, what? Peter has, like, a machete or a spear, and Ingrid has a spear or something, and they just stab repeatedly into this guy, but it doesn’t even look like they’re stabbing. It looks like they’re stabbing some plate underneath
Craig: his shirt. It’s like he’s laying under a box. Like like, it’s like, his feet are sticking out of one dent of it, and the upper part of his torso is sticking out of the other. And you can see it. Like, it doesn’t even look human shaped, like it’s square. And when they’re stabbing him, it’s not there whatever they’re using, whatever the pencils they’re using, it’s not penetrating anything. Like, they’re obviously, like and you I don’t even know
Todd: if they did this intentionally
Craig: because everything was because everything was dubbed. It sounds like they’re hitting a box. Like, it doesn’t even it doesn’t even sound like they’re stabbing somebody. Like, you can hear you can hear the things hitting like wood. And the cops and stuff just stand there watching them while they stab this guy for a minute and the upper part of his torso and his feet are just, like, wiggling like, Todd stabbing. And, you know, I again, I don’t know, like, if they’re trying to be funny or what. Another thing, you know, all this we keep talking about these spears and things. Like, both the wild man and the hikers can just pick a stick up off the ground and lightly toss it and it immediately becomes a deadly weapon and will impale anyone. These are expert spear throwers, apparently. Because Oh, I
Todd: love that I love that seed, though, like, what you’re talking about with their the wild man’s up high and they’re tight tossing the spears down at them and the one gets Ingrid. Like, he tosses them, and they’re, like, flipping in the air. Yeah. They’re, like, so light, and they’re so poorly tossed. They’re just like the guy couldn’t even throw a football at a spear.
Craig: Right. But but everyone that touches her causes like this horrible wound. Oh my Todd. It’s so silly. And so then the cops are in the search party just stand there and watch while they spear this guy to death and then Ingrid and Peter kind of walk off together. And the cop says something like, I feel like it was supposed to be poignant.
Clip: Sometimes it makes you kind of wonder. Cute couple.
Craig: And then they walk off. Peter and Ingrid just walk off together. And then here the big twist is that the wild man had that box that Joanie had seen and been shocked by. He’s brought it out into the woods for whatever reason and he sat it down before he gets killed. And we see that what was in the box was that baby. He had stolen that baby and, the baby is sitting there and it’s got like a little hatchet. It’s like hitting the ground with the hatchet. It’s just sitting there and Ingrid and Peter leave and the cops all leave, so I guess we’re left to just imagine that this baby is just left in the forest by itself. Maybe it will become a wild baby of the forest, who knows. And then the only redeeming part of this movie, they they roll the credits and credits song is amazing. Oh my goodness. Is it ever?
Clip: Don’t go out in the woods tonight. You probably will be thrilled. Don’t go out in the woods tonight, you probably will be killed. There’s a friendly beast who lurks about and likes the least you won’t get out without being killed and chopped up in little pieces.
Craig: I don’t even know who wrote it, but whoever wrote it wrote it as a joke, about the movie. But the director liked it liked it so much that he used it over the end credits and it’s it’s it’s funny. If you’re interested in this movie, just go to YouTube and see if you can find this song and listen to it because that’s good enough. Like, it it talks about a wild man in the woods and how he might kill you. That’s all you need to know. Usually, I try to be optimistic and I try to be positive and I try to find something positive to say about these movies. Like, well, it was campy, but it had heart or, you know, they they really were ambitious and they tried. It just didn’t work out very well. No. I don’t know what these people were thinking. Todd. I it it’s just bad. It’s awful. Don’t watch it. Don’t waste your time. It’s a terrible, terrible movie.
Todd: Movies like this just depress me. You know? It’s like I feel like I’ve done so much better work, and somebody’s making money off of this.
Craig: I can’t imagine. I mean, did it, like, why do we know about this movie? Did it did it do well? Like, does it have a cult following? Like, I didn’t
Todd: I think just video. You know? You know, all these really crappy movies. Yeah. They were they were released on video. They went to the to the rental market, and they, you know, had us kind of like, oh, people ended up renting it because of the box cover art or maybe they made fun of it or something like that. But, I mean, we’re talking about it now. That is so depressing.
Craig: It really is.
Todd: Director of this film has done nothing that looks even remotely good. Most of what he’s done was porn or softcore porn. I mean, you go to his IMDB page, and you’re gonna find beach blanket Bango, sex aliens, Swedish erotica number 73, thanks for the mammaries. I mean, this guy
Craig: maybe he found his calling because I guess so. I I I met I guess that people are less concerned about high quality filmmaking in porn, and that’s fine.
Todd: But why
Craig: Stay away stay away from the mainstream movies, sir. Mister James Bryan, thank you very much.
Todd: I I was impressed to read that the the entire film stock for the film was purchased for $400. Somehow, they found that there was a film lab that was gonna recycle some old film stock, that was going out of date soon, and they picked up all of it for $400 and shot the whole movie with it, which that’s why I say they had to make something from this. I mean, if they made more than $400 and the peanuts that it must have cost them to film Mhmm. The rest of it. I mean, surely, they didn’t pay these actors anything.
Craig: I can’t imagine.
Todd: Actors. You know? Movies like this just depress me.
Craig: Well, cheer up, Charlie. Yeah. No. And and that’s the thing. Like, part of the reason that I always, you know, try to put some positive spin on it is because who the hell am I? I’m some guy in the Midwest who, you know, teaches high school. I’m no filmmaker. I I certainly couldn’t do any better. But I I can only imagine that the people who made this movie you know, I I certainly hope they had a good time doing it, but I can’t imagine that there’s anything really to be proud of here. You know, like, it’s it’s really bad. I mean and I guess, you know, there are I’m not one of them, you know, I’m not somebody who seeks out, you know, deliberately really bad movies. Yeah. But there are people out there who get a kick out of watching stuff like this, and if you’re one of those people, you know, more power to you. But unless you’re one of those people, I I really don’t think that you’re gonna get any enjoyment out of this. You know, I I kinda wish I could get this hour and 20 minutes or whatever it was back. And it at an hour and 22 minutes, it felt so long. Like, I thought it would never end. Yes.
Todd: I wanted it to end so badly. Oh, it wasn’t even fun. Don’t watch it. I was like, nice. Don’t even bother. You know, life is precious. Life is short. You you
Craig: could get attacked by a wild man in the woods tomorrow. You do not need to waste an hour and 20 minutes on this movie. Go, you know, use your time more wisely. Go out into the woods, paint a building, enjoy yourself, but but don’t watch this movie.
Todd: I think I could make a documentary called don’t watch, don’t go into the woods, and that should be the last film we do. We should do that, you know, next week Okay. For this this this month. Don’t watch, Don’t go into the woods. Thank you so much for listening. If you enjoy this podcast, please share it with a friend. Just don’t make them watch this movie. You can find us, everywhere that you can find podcasts online, iTunes, Google Play, Stitcher. Also, go to our Facebook page and go to our website at 2 guys dot red forty dot net where we have much better films that we’ve talked about and much more interesting conversations than we had today. Until next week, I’m Todd And I’m Craig. With 2 Guys and a Chainsaw.