The Boxer’s Omen (1983)

Episode 83, 2 Guys and a Chainsaw Horror Movie Review Podcast

Todd:  Hello. Welcome to another episode of 2 Guys and a Chainsaw. I’m Todd. 

Craig:  And I’m Craig. 

Todd:  So some time ago, we reviewed the Japanese film House, Hausu, which is a personal favorite of mine. And, Craig, I think you thought it was a little wackadoodle. 

Craig:  Yeah, it was. But it was it was fun, interesting. 

Todd:  And you liked it so much that you said, Craig gave me a task. He said, Todd, find me another, like, crazy Asian horror film that we could watch. 

Craig:  So I 

Todd:  don’t know if you’re regretting this now. 

Craig:  What you wish for. 

Todd:  That is so true. I got online, and at first, we were gonna do Chinese ghost story, but I had trouble, getting one with subtitles. And then I did download the subtitles, but I was having a hard time getting them to line up. So we put that one on hold in favor of another film that I found last minute called The Boxer’s Omen. This is a 1983 film by the Shaw Brothers. Now, Craig, are you at all into kung fu films or Hong Kong flicks? 

Craig:  I’m not at all, and I think that that may have some impact on how I felt about this movie ultimately. I’m not. I know that in the 70s 80s there was this demand for these, kung fu movies, these Bruce Lee type movies, and the Shaw Brothers production company I guess really capitalized on that for a long time, but as that demand began to decline, they were looking for something else to capitalize on, and I guess horror was, the direction they decided to go. So this movie ends up being kind of, it really feels like 2 movies, really. Yeah. And 2 movies that really don’t have anything to do with one another. Like, you’ve got you’ve got this kung fu revenge plot thing going on and then like this, subplot which really ends up being the biggest part of the movie about how this kung fu fighter is somehow tied to this weird Buddhist. I don’t I don’t even know.   Like 

Todd:  It really defies the description. 

Craig:  Yeah. I I don’t know. I I am interested to see how you’re gonna how you’re gonna spin this one because, man, I I I’m really at a loss, like, at a loss for words with this one. 

Todd:  Having watched a number of kung fu movies and a number of Shaw Brothers films too, I can tell you they really range the gamut. There’s usually some magical element involved. If it’s not straight out and out magic like we have in this movie, at least, you know, people are able to kinda fly through the air and and flip off the walls and do lots of crazy stunts and run across rooftops. And, it just kind of goes part and parcel together like magic and kung fu. And this movie is kind of what you get if you take all the kung fu out of it and you decide, we’re gonna go all in on the magic stuff because it’s just as weird, maybe even more weird than most of these films that I’ve seen. 

Craig:  Oh, yeah. 

Todd:  You have to kinda come into it with an open mind and realize that and and the part of the fun of them really and this is how I’m gonna spin it, Craig. Part of the fun part of the fun of these kind of movies is knowing that if anything, and kind of like House, you’re in for a wild crazy ride. It may not make a whole lot of sense. The special effects may not be that great, but it’s going to be kind of imaginative, and it’s certainly going to be different from anything else you’re going to see. And at the very least, it may capture your attention. It may keep your eyes glued to the screen for a while or in our case, make you turn your eyes away from the screen every day. Doctor. 

Craig:  Oh my Todd, yes. Yeah, I mean that’s the thing. It’s difficult Todd Hausu really is our only well, you’re more well versed in in these types of foreign films, but for me, House is really kind of my only point of reference for for this type of movie. And it was wacky, like, ridiculously wacky, but it was fun to watch, like it was it was funny and and silly and ridiculous. And this one, I I I guess, you know, having read about it, that there was a tradition for this type of movie. And so people who had seen this type of movie, I guess, would have known what to expect. I didn’t know what to expect, and it would and I knew nothing about the movie going in, and it was so off the wall in such oh, god. It you know, it’s it’s I don’t know if it’s playing it for humor or not.   Maybe it is, but if it is, it’s a sense of humor that is foreign to me. And and I I have to say, I didn’t like it. I did not enjoy this movie. Like, there were parts of it that were fascinating because, you know, there there is a storyline, and and the storyline, I guess within the context of the movie kind of makes sense, but, really it just it it felt like the story was there just to serve the purpose of exhibiting all of these special effects and and weird, traditions. It’s gross. I mean, there’s weird stuff going on like, you know, reanimated skeletons and reanimating dead things and stuff. And like, some of the effects were interesting to look at, but then some of the plot elements were just so bizarre and disgusting that like I I I had a hard time. I love horror folks You know that.   And so I I can take gore and and and that kind of thing, but there are some things like cutting off the anus of a live chicken and then chewing it up and then swallowing it and regurgitating it and spitting it into somebody’s mouth. And that process repeating like 4 or 5 times. Like that’s too much for me. 

Todd:  Theoretically speaking. Theoretically, 

Craig:  Steve. Right. 

Todd:  Just just to say I just I just can’t. If there were a scene like that in a movie like this Right. It’d be hard to watch. 

Craig:  It it was it was too much. And, when I finished this movie, I texted Todd and I said, you’re done. You’re not kicking the movies anymore. It’s over. 

Todd:  I really I really after I finish this, I thought our friendship might be on the line. 

Craig:  I don’t know. It remains to be seen. We’ll we’ll see how you go about defending this, and then I’ll make my judgment at the end. 

Todd:  Well, hey, now let’s be real. I I mean, my defense is that I came into this as blind as you. I I had seen this before. Alright? 

Craig:  Yeah. And and I asked for it. To be fair, I did ask 

Todd:  for it. 

Craig:  Todd not lying when he says that. I did ask for it. 

Todd:  Well, it starts out pretty typical. In fact, I I had a big smile on my face because it starts out in a Muay Thai boxing ring. We’re in Thailand, and, there’s a boxing match going on, and there’s a Thai boxer and a Chinese boxer. And the Thai boxer, if you’re into Hong Kong cinema from the sixties seventies at all, you’ll recognize this guy, Bolo Yeung. You know, Asians are not known for being very bulky. You know, you don’t see a lot of, like, Asian weightlifters and things like that, but this guy is huge. He’s just got an impressive, like, Arnold Schwarzenegger type physique, And he’s beating the tar out of this other guy. And, he he basically puts him in the hospital and he does it a little unfairly.   And so this other dude jumps in the ring, and we later find out that his name is Hong Chan. And he is, turns out the brother of this boxer who’s been beaten to a pulp. So he has a meeting with his uncle Chi, and it looks like Hung kind of wants to get some kind of revenge on this guy. And it turns out, and I I wasn’t entirely clear what was going on here. There’s something about some gang or or something like that, but he ends up, at a warehouse trying to meet was it was it a fighting promoter for a rematch with this Baobo, the Thai boxer? I don’t know. 

Craig:  Beats me. Yeah. Alright. 

Todd:  I’ll just keep going then. 

Craig:  It was and and I think that part of it too is that, like, you know, of course, we’re reading subtitles. So we’re reading subtitles and and maybe missing a little bit of the action, and I think really missing a little bit 

Todd:  in the translation too. Yeah. But, yeah, 

Craig:  it was it it was all 

Todd:  translation too. Yeah. But, yeah, it was it it was all tied into somehow, I think, how 

Craig:  they were going to avenge his brother’s defeat and and his unfair defeat. Because I I think I don’t remember how it ended up playing out, but did the Chinese boxer, I think did he end up winning, but then yeah. He ended up winning, but then the Thai boxer, like, while the Chinese boxer was celebrating, like, knocked him down and, like, stamped on his spine. So 

Todd:  Yeah. 

Craig:  He’s, like, paralyzed. So it was kinda like a $1,000,000 baby kinda deal. And now the brother is is set to avenge him. And I I think that that’s how this meeting gets set up. It’s it’s something about avenging, but it turns out to be a sabotage. 

Todd:  That’s right. A bunch of guys come in and jump him. He ends up, tied up by his legs, hanging and dunked in some water, and it looks like they’re gonna take care of him. In fact, they’ve tossed a bag of body parts in front of him, and it turns out it’s this Uncle Chi that he had been meeting with to set this up in the first place. So you know this guy is doomed, but then all of a sudden, there’s this bright light and this flash, and he sees a vision of, looks like a monk just kind of glowing in the corner. And suddenly, he’s on the floor and all the bad guys around him are completely dead. And so he just runs out as you would. Okay.   Cool. 

Craig:  Right. 

Todd:  Right. Eddie goes home and bangs his girlfriend. 

Craig:  Yeah. In a really gratuitous and and pretty violent kind of sex scene, like Yeah. You can tell that it’s you can tell that it’s consensual. And again, I guess that this is another kind of, you know, it’s a tradition of this type of film, these kind of violent sex scenes. And it didn’t make me particularly uncomfortable, in its graphic nature, even though, you know, it it was rough. You know, it it it you could tell all along that it was consensual. You know, this is a girl. I don’t know if it’s his girlfriend or if it’s just a girl that he bangs from time to time or whatever, but, she was into it, but he was, like, throwing her up against walls.   And it’s so exploitive. Like, she’s naked, and then like, they’re up against this big glass window or door or something, and like, it’s raining outside, and he’s got her pressed up against the the glass. Like, there’s a a shot from the a shot from the other side of the glass 

Todd:  of her boobs just, like, smashing up against the 

Craig:  I mean, at this point in the movie, I’m like, what are we watching? What is happening? And and really nothing really has happened yet that is as bizarre as it’s about to get. Oh, man. So weird. 

Todd:  I was actually thinking about that sir makes a lot video. Put him on the glass. Have you ever seen 

Craig:  that? No. 

Todd:  Go to YouTube and look it up sometimes. 

Craig:  Okay. I’ll I’ll I’ll get right on that as soon as we’re done. 

Todd:  That’s right. Well, that is and you’re right. That is pretty typical, actually, of these kind of films. Hong Kong category 3 movies, tended to be pretty high on the violence, pretty high on the sex, even though there’s a rating scheme and a limit, you know, to the censor’s ability. So they would really play up and kinda make these sex scenes over over the top as much as they make the kung fu action pretty over the top as well. So, nothing to be terribly alarmed at, but like you said, it it is pretty jarring if you’re not used to it. Right. Anyway, yeah.   As soon as he’s done with this, he’s sleeping and wakes up, and there’s an orange light that visits him, and it’s this glowing kind of triangle thing that, floats through the house. It’s a very distinct kind of symbol. It looks almost like a Sanskrit symbol or something. It’s a triangle, and it floats through the apartment. He follows it into the one of his rooms, and, it turns out like it’s it’s like the TV. He goes to visit his brother who’s paralyzed, and his brother asks for revenge. And so, he naturally goes to Thailand to confront the boxer. They’re having kind of a celebration, for this boxer.   I guess they seem to think he won or something. Anyways, so Well, 

Craig:  it’s it’s like they’re claiming he won, like Yeah. Yeah. The Chinese officials said the Chinese guy won, but obviously our guy really won. And our main guy I I’m terrible with these names. Terrible, terrible with foreign names. So I apologize. I’m not trying to be culturally insensitive, but I’m I’ll probably just keep saying that guy. It’s it’s weird because he gets there and he meets, like, he he interrupts this press conference or whatever, and he challenges the Thai fighter to a fight.   Like, he’s gonna fight him to avenge. And it’s gonna be in, like, 3 months or something. I don’t I don’t remember. So then he leaves, and he’s, like, I don’t know, taking a boat, down this canal to wherever he’s going. And he sees that same glowing light that he saw in the apartment, and it it illuminates this part of this monastery. And he goes into this monastery, and there’s all these monks in there and, Buddhist monks. And, he goes up to the front of the monastery, and somebody greets him and says, you’ve been expected here. 

Todd:  And he’s like, well, that doesn’t 

Craig:  make any sense. Greets him and says, you’ve been expected here. And he’s like, well, that doesn’t make any sense. I’ve never I don’t know anything about this. How could I be expected? And I think that my favorite part of the movie, and and there aren’t very many, but my my favorite part of the movie is this monk goes, well, it’s it’s a long story. And then it sure is. Like, there’s this great, big, long back story That’s true. That is entirely disconnected from anything else that has been going on so far, but ends up really being kind of the central plot.   But that just cracked me up when he’s like, well, it’s a long story. And then we go into this flashback that takes, like, 10 or 15 minutes. 

Todd:  That’s true. 

Craig:  It’s hilarious. 

Todd:  He said, that the abbot of this monastery had traveled to Hong Kong to take care of a black magician named Maigusu. And, he he’s right there at the airport, and Maigusu was walking maybe to his plane or something. I don’t know. And, this monk calls to him from across the airport, and Maigusu turns around. And, the monk throws like a it’s like a little mirror that attaches to this guy’s forehead, and he starts to bubble up. His skin turns green, and this is the first of many of these weird kind of low rent, but still fascinating, I think, special effects that we’re gonna get here, all practical. Yeah. Thanks.   Yes. That’s about the right way to describe it, wouldn’t you say? 

Craig:  Yeah. Fair fair enough. I mean, it it’s it’s certainly interesting. Fair enough. 

Todd:  So he bubbles and greens. It looks like he’s kind of melting, and then the camera pans up past. Oh, he’s fallen behind some chairs, and as it passes up behind the chairs, this guy this magician grazes up, and he’s turned into a hag. And his mouth opens and this bat flies out of it like this bat is his spirit or something going to attack the monk one last time. And the the monk grabs this bat. Go ahead. What? 

Craig:  Did did you hear that folks? 

Todd:  Oh, yeah. Yeah. 

Craig:  The guy the guy throws some sort of crystal in his face. 

Todd:  His face starts to bubble up. 

Craig:  Then he turns into an old Craig 

Todd:  and then a, 

Craig:  then, then a bat puppet flies out of his mouth. Then the guy kills the bat. They’re, like, grabs 

Todd:  the bat. 

Craig:  Like, that’s how this movie goes. Like, it’s just you have no idea what’s going on. Like, why did this guy, this seemingly normal guy turn into an old hag before vomiting up a bat puppet, and then, like, what? 

Todd:  What’s happening? Black magic, man. Black magic. 

Craig:  God. And and that’s the thing, like, you know, even I I guess, really, this is the point where I was so baffled as to what was going on that I just had to kinda throw my hands up in the air and say, okay. I guess, like, we’re just in this for the ride. Like, I have no idea what’s going I have no idea what’s happening, but okay. Things are happening. So just keep watching, I guess. 

Todd:  Well, the best way to think about it is, like, as you said, there are, like, 2 parts to this movie. It’s almost like this backstory, almost 3 if you count the backstory, really. But anyway, there’s this backstory, and then the, and they’re both kind of you could think of them as wizard duels. Right? So this monk Yes. Grabs grabs this bat in the air, tucks it in his in his tunic, and the next thing we know, the monk is back in the monastery or the abbot is back in the monastery, and he’s performing this elaborate ceremony on this little bat puppet. And he’s he’s got it pinned to a board, but it’s still moving, and he’s doing some stuff. And while he’s inciting his incantations and the bats, like, changing and it burns up, and all this weird stuff happens, it cuts to a whole different place where it’s clearly like it’s the opposite of a monastery. It’s like black magic devil worshiping area or something like that, temple, where there’s this giant bat statue.   And there’s another black magician or some disciple, maybe he’s the abbot of this place, who kind of, like, wakes up and looks around. It’s like, wait a minute. What’s happening to my bat? Right. And he realizes that now that this bat spirit is being taken care of by the monk on the other side. So he starts with his own incantations here. And so what we get is just flashing back and forth between the abbot in the monastery and the stuff that he’s doing to the bat and the black magic guy in his dark temple of horrors or whatever, and the incantations that he has to do to try to, like, save the bat. And there are these parallel things going on, and I don’t know, it’s really complicated and hard to describe, except in many cases, like there’s a lot of gross stuff involved, in making these incantations. Like, I mean, at one point, the monk smashes the bat and the magician gathers some snake venom and this giant human skull, which is pretty gross, out of an urn that he has of many things on the wall, and and it’s got like a brain in it.   And he’s it’s snake venom out of a snake. He revives the bat by spitting rat’s blood on it from a rat that he’s bit into. There there are spiders that come into play here at some point that use little straws Todd, like, suck up this green goo. I mean, it’s just like a bunch of guys sat around a table and were just like, so what kind of special effects do you think we could do? Well, we could do some spiders, and I’ve got like a skull thing that I’d offer rats head and spit some blood over it. It’s just an amalgamation of all kinds of crazy stuff. 

Craig:  Yeah. The the these spiders, I have no idea. I I can’t remember. Todd be fair, folks, we watched this movie like a month ago. Like, we we watched it, and then we somehow had some technical and couldn’t talk about it. And then, we lost Erin Moran, and we wanted to do something for her. And, so it’s been, like, 3 weeks since I’ve seen this movie, but these, these little puppet spiders and that’s the thing, like, I feel like the movie is so ambitious with, the special effects and things. Like, they want to do so much, but the budget had to have been relatively low.   I guess comparatively with these, kung fu movies that they had been making, the budget for this was actually really high. But even still, you can see, you know, the the cracks or whatever. And these spiders, these little puppet spiders, like, I guess they’re supposed to drink the venom of the snake, but, like, they crawl they crawl up to the venom of the snake and then they, like, drink it with straws. Like like why is it so weird? I don’t know. It doesn’t make any sense. And you were describing like this black magic temple or whatever. In all fairness, there are some things in this movie that like, if you just looked at a still frame of it, look really cool. Like, this black magic temple, it’s nothing special as far as, you know, it’s it’s not CGI, of course, you know, it’s it’s not something that’s really expensive, but they do some really interesting things with lighting and, the imagery is neat.   Like, I feel like in this black magic temple, there’s, like, some big kind of evil statue in the back. Like, I don’t know if it’s supposed to be the devil or or something from Buddhist culture that I don’t know, but obviously, like, this big demonic thing in the back. And then in front of it, I feel like sitting in chairs are all of these different totems, and like the chairs maybe are hands or something. I don’t know. The the point is it looks, the set piece looks cool. And so there was some stuff going on here. They obviously were concerned with artistic design. 

Todd:  Mhmm. 

Craig:  And and on its own, you know, like in freeze frames, some of this stuff looks really neat. It’s neat to look at. I can imagine how if I had I didn’t research this movie at all before we watched it, but if I had, you know, some of the still frames, I would have been intrigued. I would have been intrigued enough to wanna watch it just because some of the imagery is is really bizarre and out there and interesting. And honestly, as much as I don’t like this movie and will never watch it again, I I have to give it some some credit, in that regard. There’s some visually interesting stuff going on. 

Todd:  Now at this point, was this the point though where you decided you didn’t like this movie or is that coming later? 

Craig:  I don’t know. I have no I can’t answer that question. I I think it was later because we we really haven’t gotten to the gross out stuff yet. And I I probably have already said, I guess all of these gross out elements were were really, you know, common to this genre of movies. So the people going to see these movies would know to expect it. It just caught me so off guard and made me wanna freaking barf. So I I don’t know. But I guess, you know, to to kind of finish up this super long flashback, the spiders that have now drank venom out of a straw, the evil wizard takes them to the monastery and he does some, like, Spider Man stuff where he, like, crawls up on the ceiling and, he lowers these spiders down onto the monk who is sleeping.   And the spiders inject the venom into the monk’s eyes and it blinds the monk and, like, kills him, but it’s kind of like Princess Bride where he’s only mostly dead. And, and and that’s why now our protagonist has been summoned here because as it’s explained to him after this little 15 minute flashback, well, he has to go see the monk and the monk is like mostly dead. Doctor. But they’ve got him like set up like, I don’t know, like a shrine or something. And and the the guy goes and talks to him and this this mummified monk tells him in a previous life we were twins and so now I need you to break this spell so that I can be immortal. And if you don’t break the spell, if I die, you’ll die too. So our main guy, our protagonist, then has to has to become a monk first, and there’s this whole initiation process, which I kinda liked. It reminded me of, like, eighties montages, like, we’re gonna become a monk.   Here we go. And then the goal is that he has to defeat this evil wizard, and if he defeats the evil wizard, then the monk will be restored and everything will be good. 

Todd:  Now my favorite part is that this guy, Todd Hung, he at first, he refuses. He just wants to go back to Hong Kong until he spits up an eel, and then he decides he’s gonna help. Yeah. Oh, okay. 

Craig:  Never mind. Yeah. Right. I mean, if if if you’re gonna be throwing up eels, I mean, that’s something pretty undesirable, I guess. You gotta do what you gotta do if that’s gonna happen. And and then that sets it up for really what is kind of the remainder of the movie. And, again, it’s broken like you said, it almost feels like 2 or 3 different movies because there’s the whole monk initiation, which is, you know, kind of a big deal. Like, they make him sit in a river full of leeches, and he has to try to maintain his calm and peace while he’s being bitten and and sucked on by all these leeches.   And then there’s this weird ass ceremony where he sits in this giant urn. He sits in this giant urn, and there’s these monks sitting all around them, and all the monks are holding ropes. And, like, he all the ropes go into the urn and he’s holding onto all of them and like they’re chanting and I feel like eventually you see, you know, through light effects that like I guess their essence or their power or something like travels through these ropes into the urn and then the urn starts glowing and he starts glowing, and eventually the urn blows up. And I guess that’s how you become a monk. Yeah. 

Todd:  That’s that’s the standard ceremony in Thailand. I I went there once. I witnessed it. It’s pretty interesting. 

Craig:  Yeah. From the tour. I mean yeah. I mean, I feel like I know so much more about Buddhism now. Where was this in my world religions class in college? I know, man. They left out all the interesting parts. 

Todd:  We’d all be Buddhist if this were the case. 

Craig:  I know. Right? And and that sets it up. That that whole montage sets it up for this battle between the the evil wizard and and hung or or or whatever his name is. 

Todd:  His name is now Kaidi Balu. Right? 

Craig:  Right. He’s got a new name, which makes it even more easy to keep track of. And and he shaved his head. And that was another funny part, like, when when they told him he had to become a monk, he’s like, oh, man. I’m gonna have to shave my head. 

Todd:  That was the case I was concerned. 

Craig:  Okay. And so when they confirm it as a monk, he has to go through this ceremony where he professes that he’s not broken any of Buddha’s rules. And one of those rules is that he has hasn’t had sex, that he’s been abstinent. And it’s not really important in that part, but it becomes important later on. But it sets it all up for this duel. And I have to say, you know, I appreciate the setup. It’s interesting like, okay, so the good guy and the evil weirdo monk meet up on what I can only describe is what looks like a sound stage because it like, it’s just this big black space. Like, I I really didn’t have any sense of where they were supposed to be.   I don’t know if they were supposed to be in the in the monastery or if, this was all going on in their minds. Like, I don’t know because, like, the it’s just this big black space and and warlock is this great big huge full moon, and they have this battle that goes on for a really long time. And it’s so weird, like it’s just the evil monk or evil wizard or whatever he is throwing different spells and entities at, the good guy and the good guy deflecting them and stuff. But that doesn’t begin to do it justice. Like there’s so much weird shit going on here, that it’s hard to describe. And it goes on for so long. Please, Todd, provide us with some of the details. 

Todd:  Oh, I don’t know. Like, first, he’s throwing, like, animated, you know, lasers and things at him, and then he’s surrounded by these crocodile skulls, and he waves an incantation across these crocodile skulls, and they start chattering. And more of these bats come out of him, And the bats all fly toward the monk, but the monk ends up burning them by manifesting a protective urn around himself. There are a lot of people in urns. Urn is a continual theme throughout this movie that we’re gonna have to unpack, the significance of later. My favorite part, though, is when he says, Todd of the dark, grant power to this rice, and he tosses rice all over the crocodile skulls, and the skulls themselves all go towards the monk. And, of course, he deflects those up as well. And then, he breaks out what he calls, at least in the translation, his secret weapon, which is, it’s this thing that goes toward the monk and then something rises up out of it and it turns out it’s this giant head of what looks like a Martian looking creature.   It’s got these big eyes kind of like an exposed brain. It’s green. 

Craig:  This is where things start getting gross. And again, I I guess that this is common in these types of movies, but the bad wizard eats a bunch of guts and then pukes them out and then eats them again. And then when it once he does that, he says, I’m full of power now. Surely, I can beat you. Again, this is the translation. I have no idea what he really says. And then first, you you talked about, like, there’s, like, the that floating alien head thing, which is super bizarre, and and the good monk just, like, beats it immediately. And that’s, I guess, the the evil wizard’s secret weapon.   The other thing you were talking about is he rips his own head off. The guts or or entrails or whatever, like, hanging down from his own head, and his own head, like, tries to strangle, the the good monk, then the sun comes up and the bad guy dies, and the monk who told the whole flashback story tells our good guy, You’ve broken the spell. The abbot can be immortal. You can go home now. And he does. And like that and he goes home and bangs that girl again. Like like and that feels like, oh, okay. The movie is surely over.   No. No. No. Like, like, let’s just go ahead and do the sequel here real quick in the next 40 minutes, which is oh, Todd. My, oh, my notes are boobs and bush exclamation point. As soon as he gets home, the girl is there waiting for him naked. And so he just walks in and he’s like, I was a monk for 3 months. And he grabs her and they do their business. 

Todd:  Oh, now come on. You’ve gotta do justice to the dialogue here. She’s with Showery. He walks in, and she says, where were you? I haven’t seen you in a while. And he says, I’ve seen through the vanity of the world. And she says, I don’t I don’t believe that. You’re out messing with chicks. Don’t give me any STDs. 

Craig:  Yeah. Don’t give me any STDs. Okay. Let’s let’s bang in the shower. 

Todd:  Yeah. You should know it’s a mistake because he’s a monk, and he gave that valve chastity. Now I saw that coming. 

Craig:  Yeah. I guess I saw it coming. I mean, I guess I knew that it was a mistake, but at the same time, I didn’t know where this was going because you’ve already beaten the main antagonist. Like, it it’s over. Right? Everything’s good. But no. Then we cut to my absolute favorite 

Todd:  part of the whole 

Craig:  cut that sarcasm as thick as you like. But apparently this evil wizard was not alone. Apparently he’s in some sort of cult of evil wizards. And we cut to 3 more evil bad guys who conduct some sort of weird ceremony where first they’re on like a crocodile farm and they collect one of the crocodiles and they kill it and they cut it open, and they pull out all of its guts, and then they I don’t know if there were eggs inside it or if they had eggs, they smash some eggs or or something, and they put this dead body inside and then sew it back up. And then we cut back to the kung fu story just in case we had forgotten about that. 

Todd:  Baobao and Chun Hung are now on the I guess it’s been 3 months. And now, they’re back in the ring, and they’re getting this rematch. And they’re fighting each other, and it looks like Chanhong is winning. However, it’s cutting back between this and the ceremony going on between the bad guys. And what ends up happening, is that this they pull this wormy bottle from this alligator, and then there’s more stuff to do. So this body is sitting in front of them, and it’s got all these worms crawling all over it. And the first of the the guy Well, I guess I’d I guess you could say the magicians here or the evil cult guys all line up behind the Todd. Mhmm.   And they have like a banana leaf plate. And the first one takes out a banana, unpeels the banana, takes the inside of it out, throws it away, and then sticks the whole peel in his mouth and chews it up. And then he spits it out into the plate, hands over to the next guy, who then he eats the previously spit out piece of banana peel and chews it up and swallows it. And there’s a whole bunch of this. I think I’ve actually deliberately blocked it out of my memory, all the details of exactly what was happening here. It was Yeah. 

Craig:  You’re making me wanna puke just describing it. It was so nasty. And, like, you can tell that these these actors had to do that. You know? Like Yeah. They are literally eating oh, Todd. I could All 

Todd:  kinds of 

Craig:  like you, I believe. I couldn’t handle it. I I couldn’t I literally couldn’t watch it. I had to turn away and wait for it to be over. 

Todd:  Yeah. It was it was basically 2 guys, 1 cup, essentially. 

Craig:  Yeah. Disgusting. 

Todd:  But all of this serves to bring this body to life, and it’s a woman. This kind of mysterious, I guess, sorceress or something is brought up, and she walks toward this thing that they’ve created. It’s it’s like a voodoo doll of Hung, and they go in front of it and they say, alright. Now, do your business. And she has these long fingernails and she stabs the thing through the eyes. And now, Hung, who is beating the Thai boxer, starts seeing visions. He starts seeing maggots in his eyes. He’s he’s flailing about.   He’s no longer in control in the ring, and he runs out of the ring, during the middle of the match and into, the locker room where he’s going from the mirror to mirror. Meanwhile, the magician lady is stabbing the this voodoo doll, and and he’s completely lost control. So he decides he needs to return to Thailand. Yep. There’s I I thought maybe she was gonna kill him or this was gonna have something, like, lasting effect, but I guess it was just to scare him or something. And so, he goes back to Thailand, and the abbot right off the bat asked him if he broke any any rules, And he says, no. Of course, I didn’t break any rules. He says, alright.   We’re going to arrange for another duel. Mhmm. And but first, they have to go find some things. They have to go find a mush they have to it’s kind of a scavenger hunt. They have to go and find a mushroom tree that’s growing from this giant Buddha statue, they go down it. 

Craig:  Which is really cool looking I thought. 

Todd:  Oh, yeah. 

Craig:  It was like it’s it was like this big giant Buddha face, like, built into the ground. And and it was I I don’t know where it was, and I don’t know how they did the effects. I don’t know if this was an actual place or if it was something that they fabricated, but it was really cool looking. I I will give them credit there. 

Todd:  Yeah. It’s it’s really cool. Yeah. I think they made it, you know, they had to. It’s it’s a it’s a pretty big set. It’s really cool. They descend down into the eye where there’s a tree growing and there’s this really rare mushroom, I think, growing on the tree. So they grab this mushroom.   Somehow, they make a necklace out of it. This is, I guess, a ceremony. Details details, guys. 

Craig:  It’s just so funny because it’s so convoluted. Like, so they have to okay. So what they’re getting from this mushroom tree is, like, the essence of iron. And the monk that’s helping, Hung get it, he’s like, This essence of iron will make you really strong. When the time comes, put the amulet in your body. Now again, we’re reading subtitles, so I have no idea if this is really what it means, but in the subtitles it says, Put the amulet in your body. And then Hung says, Will it come out? And the guy goes, Yeah, out your eyes. I had no idea what was going on.   And I really think that it has to be a flaw in the translation because he never actually he doesn’t really stick the whole amulet in his body, does he? Like, he just takes whatever essence it is and and and like cuts a little thing in his skin and pours it in there. Oh my Todd. But it was so funny. Put the amulet in your Todd. Will it come out? Yeah. Out your eyes. Okay. That sounds great.   Moving on. 

Todd:  All we know is that based on the ancient Buddhist traditions, he has done what he needs to do. And so 

Craig:  Yeah. 

Todd:  He goes in front again, the I guess he’s getting his power back up or something in order to fight the wizard. And so he goes back and has one last little ceremony in front of the Buddha statue. As part of the ceremony, again, like before, they ask him, have you broken any of the rules? And he says, no no no no no, and he gets to the carnal pleasures one. He kinda looks up, kinda left and right, and goes, nope, haven’t broken that one either. And the light goes out on the candle, and the Buddha gets really angry. And they say, you’re lying to the Buddha. Then the temple gets trashed, but he’s told that he will die until he finds a relic, which is the golden ashes. Mhmm.   So because he’s lied to the Buddha, I guess you still have a chance if you find the golden ashes. 

Craig:  So now which which are not hard to find because you’re like a big tourist attraction in, in, in Kathmandu. So they’re off to Kathmandu. No. I really like Like the bad lady? 

Todd:  I really liked this part. Really? Well, they’re in Kathmandu. You know, part of the fun of this is kinda seeing exotic places, and I have to say for for a film that is even taking place in Hong Kong, I think Todd the Hong Kong people, Kathmandu is pretty exotic because they’re clearly over exoticizing here. There’s so many shots of of them going through the town and shots of people and beggars on the street and vendors, and kids, and it’s kind of fun to see, but again, it’s clear that it’s like 10 minutes of someone’s vacation videos, you know, going through Kathmandu. It goes on for a while. But you’re right. Yeah. He goes to this giant Buddhist temple, and you’re right.   It’s a total tourist attraction because there’s a guide in there who’s giving a long explanation about it and stuff. So when he ends up in there, he cuts into his arm, and he pours his magic necklace liquid out, from inside. There’s a close-up on our gong. I think he just basically sets off some supernatural alarm system. 

Craig:  Yeah. Something like that. I don’t know. 

Todd:  The woman arrives again. She conjures a giant crocodile. 

Craig:  Right. And it it’s just like dual part 2. Like, now he has to duel, with this lady. And just like with the last thing, it’s the last Todd, it’s just this lady throwing one thing at him, after another. And so at one point, she pins him down and she, like, squeezes his head between her thighs because, of course, I mean, why wouldn’t she? And then, she like drops these furry caterpillars on his face, and they go in his ears and nose. And then, the sun comes up, and some kind of weird dust appears, and then this weird old monk appears. Like, I I have no idea who this is or it’s supposed to be. It’s like like he’s like the embodiment of the statue or something.   I I don’t know. And and then on 

Todd:  a chair. It’s like a little carnival ride. He comes down on his little chair. 

Craig:  Yeah. Yeah. And and then the the evil lady wraps the monk up in her hair, but then somehow he skins her. 

Todd:  It’s like she turns inside 

Craig:  out or something. Yeah. Yeah. Like, she turns inside out, and she’s obviously just wearing, like, a Todd suit, but it looks like it’s like her whole, you know, vascular system you can see. And and and then, like, she starts peeing or pooping all this like. 

Todd:  Oh, gosh. No. 

Craig:  I can’t believe. Oh, I can’t believe we’re we’re talking about this. It sounds so strange. But she, like, pees or poops, like, all this blue goo, and then she gives she gives birth to these, like, 3 little balls or something. And then, and then, and then it turn those 3 balls, like, grow up into the, the 3 evil priests from before, like they’ve been hiding inside her, but at first, they’re all wrapped in like saran wrap. 

Todd:  Saran wrap. That was what you know, at this point, the budget had to be getting pretty darn low. 

Craig:  Oh, god. Yeah. And then and then I I I kid you not, folks. And then 2 of the bad guys bleed into the chest of the third one, and then 3 and then 3 furry dinosaurs come out come out and shoot lasers into the Buddha’s eyes, and that hurts the monks eyes And then some like, this big, statue kills the dinosaurs. And and then the iron that he had dripped into his his, arm comes out, like, in the form of needles out of his eyes. But apparently, he has won the duel and, the abbot is restored and everything’s fine. That’s basically how it goes. Oh, god.   Oh, so weird. It really, really has to be the the most bizarre movie I’ve ever seen. It’s so weird. And like, you would think that I could appreciate that and be like, Oh man, I’m so glad I saw that. It was so weird. But no. No. I could have gone my entire life without seeing that movie and I could have died a happy man.   It was it was it was so weird. And the fact that it’s not, like, some sort of weird anomaly just kinda blows my mind that, like, this was, like, a style of movie that was popular for a while. Oh, gosh. I I just can’t imagine. 

Todd:  To be fair, this one is a little more over the top than most of those movies are. I mean, this one really takes about 5 of those films and throws them all together, and then puts in furry dinosaurs, and, you know, covers them in saran wrap. This is I’ve seen a lot of these kind of films, but this this really tops them all. It’s it’s pretty notorious. I think, you know, if you go online, you start reading about this, there are people with definite opinions about it and interest in it. It’s got, I guess, a kind of a little bit of a fan following, wouldn’t you say? Of sorts. 

Craig:  Yeah. Like a cult following. Yeah. I I guess, you know, I don’t know. When did we say it came out? 1980 3? 

Todd:  3. Yeah. 

Craig:  I guess it, and for 1983, I mean, the effects are weird and corny, but, you know, we saw weird 

Todd:  and corny effects in 

Craig:  the states in 1983, so whatever. But I guess it didn’t really, you know, nobody in the west had had really seen it. You know, nobody in the west had had really seen it until it was released, in the states in 2,006. And I and I think that probably more than anything, it’s an oddity, and that is why it’s kind of picked up kind of a cult status. And and I can see that. It is weird. And, you know, if if you’re interested in strange and bizarre cinema, I mean, by all means, check this out because it is strange and bizarre, but not my cup of tea by any stretch of the imagination. 

Todd:  I have to say, I could’ve I could’ve enjoyed it for what it was if it weren’t for the eating and regurgitating stuff. 

Craig:  Yeah. I think that was what really turned me off too. It it was just too much. I I couldn’t watch it. 

Todd:  Yeah. It is just disgusting. It’s kinda like, Pink Flamingos. You’ve seen Pink Flamingos at the very end? 

Craig:  Yeah. No. But I know I know the and and that’s that’s the reason that I haven’t watched it is because I know that that dog shit thing happens. I don’t wanna sound pretentious here as an actor, but, you know, like, I do community theater, as an actor. I’m sitting here thinking about those actors that had to do that. And I’m like, oh, that is too nasty. I can’t imagine being asked to do that or asking somebody to do that or doing it. And I think that maybe that pulled me out a little bit because I was thinking about the logistics of it like, oh, Todd, those poor guys.   I mean, bravo to you for being committed to your craft or whatever, but I’ll pass. 

Todd:  I’m not 

Craig:  If that’s what it takes to be a cinema in in China, I don’t think I’m cut out for it. 

Todd:  Definitely, like you said, it’s an oddity. And, if what we’ve said piques your interest in the slightest, and I would say get to the point at which you can see regurgitation starting to happen. Maybe fast forward a few minutes past that, and then continue to watch. I mean, everything we’ve described doesn’t even hold a candle to the reality of what No. No. Absolutely not. There’s no way that you can do it justice 

Craig:  just talking about it. And, you know, Absolutely not. There’s no way that you can do it justice just talking about it. And you know, I feel like I should be fair and say that there really is some interesting imagery. There are some interesting set pieces. It was ambitious and that was the thing that I think that if anything I can appreciate about it. It was ambitious. Like, I feel like they were going, you know, this is the 19 eighties when some of these big budget things in in America were coming out like, oh, I don’t know, like the Indiana Jones movies and, the Star Wars movies.   And and they were really trying to do these kind of big epic things that, people hadn’t seen before. And I get the sense that that’s what they were going for here. Like, it was supposed you know, in in some regards, it it’s a little bit reminiscent of, like, Temple of Doom. You know, there’s there’s some gross weird stuff going on in that movie Todd, But this just pushes it to an entirely different level and what I was uncomfortable with and maybe that’s what they were going for. I mean maybe they were trying to make the audience uncomfortable with these things. I can’t imagine what else the goal would have been. And if that’s what they were going for, they succeeded, Todd I enjoy watching it? No. 

Todd:  Yeah. It it kind of it kind of pushes the boundaries of what you consider entertainment. Right? It’s certainly not scary. Let’s put it that way. There’s nothing scary about it. It is almost a dare that you could sit down with your friends and dare them to watch this without looking away. But, yeah, when you consider why do you watch films, if you watch a film to be entertained, I could say this film gets is pretty entertaining up to a point, and then it kind of crosses a line and becomes just gross. 

Craig:  Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. 

Todd:  Well, thank you again for listening to another episode. If you enjoyed it, please share it with a friend. You can find us on iTunes, Google Play. We’re on Stitcher, anywhere your favorite podcasts are. You can also find our page on Facebook where you could like us there, leave a comment, and let us know what other film you’d like us to review in the future. Until that point, I’m Todd 

Craig:  And I’m Craig. 

Todd:  With 2 Guys and a Chainsaw.