Body (2015)

Episode 467, 2 Guys and a Chainsaw Horror Movie Review Podcast

Todd: Hello and welcome to another episode of Two Guys and a Chainsaw. I’m Todd.

Craig: And I’m Craig.

Todd: You know, I think we were a little unprepared this time around. Things have been pretty busy for both of us. Yeah. So normally we have these picks kinda laid out a couple weeks in advance and this time around we were kind of scrambling to find one for this week just to get it done.

Snuck up on us. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So, um, Craig was like, oh, why don’t you just choose one and I’ll choose one next week? And in the heat of the moment I thought, well, let me just get on Shutter and let me just see something. I know you’re gonna be able to find quickly and easily. Shutter had a convenient little category of holiday horror films and I scrolled through it a little bit.

I was looking for something that I hadn’t seen or we hadn’t done. And this one showed up. It was called Body. From 2015 and it looked like one of those situational movies where mm-hmm. Something bad happens and they’ve gotta deal with it. And I love those kind of movies. Usually they’re pretty exciting.

Mm-hmm. And they can be very bleak. Yeah. So like, I think of like. God, have you ever seen very bad things? Do you remember that one from the nineties? 

Craig: I don’t know. You’d have to remind me. 

Todd: Cameron Diaz, Daniel Stern. Oh, it’s like an all-star cast and it is one of the darkest comedies I’ve ever seen in my life.

And it’s a situation where some guys are on a bachelor party and I think they get a hooker to the hotel room. And when one of the guys is banging the hooker in the bathroom, she accidentally dies. And so they’re trying to deal with it and just things spiral out of control. Like wor other bad things happen, worse things happen.

And they’re trying to cover that up and they’re trying to cover that up. And it is a comedy but is a very dark comedy. I just remember feeling sick to my stomach watching it sometimes. Anyway, these movies have the potential to, to get relief. Thrilling and exciting like this. So I thought, all right, let’s do it.

You know, it’s takes place on Christmas Eve, and then I watched it and. It’s fine. I, no, it’s, it is about as mid as you could get, I would say. 

Craig: Yeah, it’s fine. 

Todd: Just five. 

Craig: The, the best thing about it is that it’s only about an hour and 15 minutes long. 

Todd: Yeah. That was good. That’s good. Well, ’cause like I’m keeping an eye on the clock actually, during this.

Not because I was initially bored, but I was, I looked down and I’d be like, God, like 20 minutes has gone by and nothing’s really happened yet. That’s not a good sign for a movie that’s only an hour and 15 minutes long. 

Craig: Yeah, I think I put that in my notes somewhere too. Like, nothing has happened yet. It’s fine.

Eh. I mean, I think the problem with this movie is that you don’t particularly care about any of the protagonists. Yeah. So you don’t particularly care how it’s gonna turn out and like. Yeah. If you’ve seen these movies before, you’re gonna know which one of them is gonna be the one that’s like, no, we have to cover it up no matter what.

And the one that’s gonna be like, no, we should tell the truth. Like, 

Todd: yeah, it’s projected from the beginning. I’ve 

Craig: seen it a bazillion times. Yeah. I know what you did last summer is probably the most obvious comparison. 

Todd: Mm-hmm. 

Craig: They didn’t mean to. Kill somebody, I guess. I don’t know. 

Todd: Yeah. Yeah. I mean it’s, yeah, we didn’t mean to kill somebody, but somebody’s dead and we’re gonna cover our asses.

But you know, things get complicated and what distinguishes them from each other really the only thing that distinguishes them from each other, because the situation’s always the same, is. What are those complications? What are the things that happen as a result of them trying to cover this shit up? I know what you did last summer, and those horror movies of that ilk are kind of interesting because it’s like the coverup happens and then like years later now weird shit is happening and they’ve gotta deal with it.

Mm. Right? Mm-hmm. Then you have a movie like. A simple plan is a simple plan kind of like that too. I don’t know where it, it compresses the timeframe a little bit and, and, and this movie takes place all within the course of one evening. 

Craig: Yeah. 

Todd: So it’s one of those where the decisions they’re making like are right here in the moment and there’s just not a lot of shit going down.

I don’t know, it’s just like, it’s so mid, it is just so basic and it’s not that interesting. It followed almost a. Predictable path that didn’t have harsh twists in it. And I expected to see harsh twists in here, and I didn’t see anything that surprised me. Did you? 

Craig: I don’t know. I don’t even know what to say about it.

We should set up the plot. I feel like there’s these three girls, Holly. Cali and Mel, and they’re like great friends or whatever, and that’s fine, and they’re hanging out and drinking and. Smoking weed no problem. Day 

Todd: before Christmas Eve, 

Craig: which is the only thing that makes it Christmas Eve, which 

Todd: yeah, that was disappointing.

Craig: Fail. 

Todd: Yeah, you 

Craig: fail. 

Todd: Sorry. 

Craig: It’s fine. It’s fine. I get it. I’ve done the same thing. 

Todd: There was Christmas at the beginning when they’re sitting around and chatting. I actually had high hopes ’cause it’s like, oh, there’s a tree behind them. There’s little Christmas music play in the background. There’s ornaments.

Dad’s got a hat on. I was like, okay, cool. We got Christmasy in this movie. It’s the only time you see it. 

Craig: Dad is wearing sunglasses at night. That I think that they try to later explain that like, oh, he was smoking weed. That’s why he. Where’s his sunglasses at night? Okay. All right. Whatever. Who cares?

Nobody cares. That’s the problem with this movie to me. Like, I don’t care. I don’t care about any of these people. 

Todd: Yeah. 

Craig: Callie is the O is the lighter brunette. It’s three basically indistinguishable girls. That’s 

Todd: true. Actually. I kept getting Holly and Melissa like visually mixed up. God. 

Craig: I mean, they’ve already had a great night.

They’ve been having a good time. They’ve been hanging out at one of their parents’ houses, I guess, and they’re smoking weed and drinking, having a great time. But then they’re like, let’s go somewhere else. Let’s drive around and go somewhere else. And Kelly’s like, cool. We’ll go to my uncle’s house. He’s got this big mansion and.

They go there and it is a big, gorgeous mansion. One of them keeps getting. Calls from like her maybe boyfriend. I don’t know. Does it even matter? Does he even 

Todd: Holly and Ben, he shows up later, much later. 

Clip: It’s supposed to be this big mansion and I guess no one’s home. So I think we’re gonna like crash there.

Yeah. Let me, let me ask, are you serious us Kenny? Yeah, I guess it’s funny. Yeah, it’s cool. I’ll text you the address. Okay. See that

Holly? What? Dude, you can’t fucking do that. Why? What’s the big deal? Uh, you just invited a guy to our girls night. I asked. Yeah. What am I supposed to say? No, he’s right there on the phone. Okay. Well, what do you want me to do? You want me to call him back and tell him he can’t come? No, absolutely not. ’cause I don’t look like a huge fucking bitch.

Okay, then what? Just forget it. Whatever 

Todd: you, why are you bringing. Guy to our girls trip, and I was thinking, yeah, why? Why did she do that? Well, we know why they don’t, because we gotta have, I mean, at this point, I’m like, all right, so this is the guy who’s gonna come in later, right? Who’s gonna cause additional complications by his very arrival.

Craig: Oh, I knew it. She’s either gonna cause complications or he’s gonna be the knight in shining armor. Or he’s gonna be the guy that shows up and is like, I’m the knight in shining armor. And then he’s going to like. Ax, you know, like, right, right. We, we’ve seen all this before. I don’t even know, like I’m looking at my notes.

You know, when they’re driving to this place, they pass by somebody who’s stranded on the road. It’s like an old man with a big. Gray beard. Like I was like, is that Santa? I know. Like, are they going to be, are they going to be punished because they didn’t pull over for Santa. 

Todd: Right. I didn’t 

Craig: know what was happening, and I don’t think that ever comes up again.

Does it? 

Todd: Never, never, God, what? What? They made that so mysterious. She pulls up, it’s like she’s gonna stop for this guy. And then one, someone from the backseat goes, no, no, keep going, keep going, keep going. So like she just drives off again and this guy turns and stares at them as they leave and that’s it.

We never see him again. That’s 

Craig: it. Never comes up again. Oh God. 

Todd: Yep. And they go into this house, there’s a, they’re looking for a key and they find a key. It’s a 

Craig: gorgeous house. It’s a huge big mansion. 

Todd: They get inside by, there’s a hidden key, and she seemed to think it was under the rug, but then she’s like, oh no, it made it be up here and it’s in the lamp.

Anyway, they get let themselves in and they start drinking and dancing and, uh, there’s a, and singing 

Craig: Christmas carols, and they have a lovely time. They 

Todd: do. 

Craig: And in my notes. In my notes, yeah. I’m like a quarter of the way down in my notes. I’m like, nothing is happening yet. Like nothing is happening. 

Todd: It’s not like there’s even a lot of character development here either is there?

Mm-hmm. I mean, we’ve got it. Cali is the brash one. Holly is sorta. Holly and Melissa are kind of the same, honestly. They’re just quiet. They’re just the girls 

Craig: that 

Todd: we always see 

Craig: in these movies. There’s nothing, yeah, really distinctive about them, 

Todd: and they’re just trading quips and hanging out. Nobody reveals any big secrets.

Nobody talks about their horrible childhood or their distant dad or anything like that. 

Craig: Looking at my notes, I feel like they’re just throwing everything in because it, Holly examines some pictures for a while. 

Clip: Mm-hmm. 

Craig: That you might think are going to be important. 

Todd: Oh, they are, but I don’t think, oh, are they?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When she wanders to the bathroom, yeah. She sees a family pic on the wall, but it’s all Asians. Yes. It’s like, and then when she goes into the bedroom and lays down, she sees also pictures of a bunch of Asians. I mean that I see. 

Craig: So she knows that it’s not really Cali’s family house. 

Todd: Yeah. She goes and confronts her right away.

She’s like, why are there Asians in these pictures? She’s like, oh, you know, my uncle, he was adopted, and they’re like, really? And she’s like, yeah, you know, they can, that can happen. And they just don’t believe her. Finally, she admits. Okay. Actually it’s not my uncle’s house. This is a family I used to babysit for.

And the minute they discover this and they’re like, well, we’re gonna leave. Suddenly a car station wagon pulls up in front and somebody comes in the house and is like, hello, what’s going on? Where are you? The girls try to run and hide and eventually this person comes upstairs and they try to run, but he kind of grabs them and there’s a little bit of a tussle at the top of the stairs and God, I saw this coming from a mile away.

Yeah. He ends up falling down the stairs. And breaks his neck supposedly. 

Craig: Right, right. I have in my notes, they accidentally kill him on the stairs. Now we find out later that he’s not actually dead. Right. Which only further complicates things because when they think he’s dead initially. Holly wants to call 9 1 1, but Cali’s like, no, we can’t.

This will ruin our whole lives. So we need to say we can, we can admit that we broke in here, but we need to say that he came in and he tried to rape one of us. 

Todd: Mm-hmm. That seems unnecessary. 

Craig: Everything that happens for the next 15 minutes seems unnecessary and disgusting. Yeah. Yeah. I don’t know. Like I, I, it is unnecessary.

I don’t, I don’t even remember who said it, but I have in quotes if we tell them that only we have to live with it, I’m, 

Todd: yeah, I’m 

Craig: not sure what that means. In fact, my next note is WTF question mark. What does that even mean? 

Todd: You know, it’s that classic, well, what will this do? She’s not just saying that this will ruin our lives, like we’ll end up in jail, but she’s like, this is gonna ruin our families.

Right? Sure. One of ’em apparently has a dad who’s running for office. The other gal, I think it was Melissa, was like, I’ll get kicked out of law school and my mother will kill herself anyway. That’s their excuse. And so Callie’s like, well, if we just lie about this. And tell a story, we’ll save everybody and our skin and, and we’re just gonna have to live with the note.

You know that for the rest of our lives. 

Craig: And it’s so typical. It’s, it’s, I know what you did last summer. It’s like, oh, we, we can’t let this ruin our lives. It was an accident. Whatever. Well, okay, whatever. But they make up this whole story and then they like. Draw letters out of a Scrabble bag to decide who will be the one that was assaulted and Holly.

Wins or loses depending on how you look at it. So they kind of beat her up, like they hit her and they use the guy’s nails to scratch her, I feel like. 

Todd: Yeah. They tear some hair out and put it in between his fingers. So it’s like he grabbed her hair. 

Craig: Yeah. And then she. Goes into the room and takes his hand and sticks his fingers in her badge.

And from this point on, I’m like, what? Right? Like different things happen, like they feel like they need to change the story depending on what is happening. And I’m like, how are you gonna change this? Her DNA is all over him. 

Todd: Yeah, that’s true. That’s a very good point. 

Craig: It was gross. It was disgusting. 

Todd: It’s too far.

They, she didn’t need to go that far. I mean, like, no. So the guy broke in. He tried to assault me. Maybe he grabbed her hair. Okay. You want to throw a whisper? Two of hair and his fingers fine. Sure. You don’t have to do the scratch. You don’t have to stick his fingers in your, like, he got that far. Like, come on.

Come on. Anyway. But it’s supposed to be shocking because after, as she does it in the background, we can see his eyes are open and they weren’t before. So we can see that he’s actually still alive and sure enough, while they’re working themselves up, I actually like this bit, I did too, how they’re working themselves up to call 9 1 1.

Yeah, that was really cool. I liked that. Mm-hmm. They’re in the 

Craig: middle of doing that. Yeah. They’re, and, and like, they’re like, they’re trying to. Work up their breathing. So it sounds like they’re breathing hard and mm-hmm. They’re rehearsing what they’re going to say. I actually liked that too. That was kind of smart of them actually.

Even though all of them are horrible people. Yeah. Really we, you could argue some more so than other. But I mean, if you’re on board with this at this point, you’re pretty horrible. That’s true. I mean, like that’s the thing, like how do you root for these people? They are trying to cover up the fact that they broke into a house by not only fine accidentally.

Murdering somebody, but then trying to set him up to be a rapist. A rapist, yeah. And at some point they even say that he has like a, a wife and at least a kid, if not kids. I don’t know how they find that out, but they do say that at some point. Like, you’re all terrible. So yeah. I don’t really feel for any of you.

Todd: You’re gonna ruin his reputation. Yes. Yeah. This could have easily just been called an accident. I mean, honestly, you 

Craig: call nine and, and especially, especially at this point, they find out after they’ve done all this and they are practicing their 9 1 1 call, they hear him from the other room. He is not dead.

Yes, he is paralyzed, which is. Horrible. Yeah, but he is not dead, and they could just call 9 1 1 and say It was a terrible accident. Aside from the fact that he’s like, why did you stick my fingers in your.

Todd: He does ask that. I don’t know what was going on there, but, oh God. So he’s pleading for help. He gives his name, he says, I’m Arthur, I’m the groundskeeper. And he is like, I’ll never tell a sole about this. I just need an ambulance. Please give me an ambulance. They just wait. Cali’s a real bitch actually. But these other girls are no better ’cause they really just go along with it.

There’s a, a small amount of pushback and then there’s none. 

Clip: Why don’t we, why don’t we just like wait for a little bit? I mean, he’s in really bad shape, right? What if we just didn’t help him? Maybe everything would, would just kind of work itself out. It’s the same thing as going in there right now and killing him.

No. No, it’s not, not really. How is it not? Look, we thought we killed him before and we were prepared to deal with it. So what’s the difference if he wakes up for a couple minutes and then dies? It’s the exact same thing as him falling down the stairs and being alive for a couple seconds. Only it’s like a little bit longer.

Craig: Yeah, he would’ve died anyway, so let’s just wait. So they do? Yeah, they just hang 

Clip: out. They hang. 

Craig: Like they just 

Clip: fucking 

Craig: hang out for a while waiting for him to die, but he doesn’t. And then Ben, who they knew was coming. Shows up. It’s frustrating. It was a frustrating thing. Yeah. 

Todd: Then you’re, they do the thing you’re never supposed to do with like a person with a broken neck.

Drag him into another room. 

Craig: Well, especially if you’re trying to cover up a crime, like there’s not gonna be any covering up of that. No. Later they’re like, we’ll, just put him back where he was and nobody will know any different. No, it’s not, not word. Single episode of CSI. Like, that’s how this works. 

Todd: They were smart enough to do all the DNA stuff, not smart enough to, to do that.

Well, they didn’t have to let Ben in. That’s the thing. They didn’t even have to answer the door. They could just wait out Ben, just like they were waiting this guy out. 

Craig: I have in my notes, he shows up. He’s there for one of the other girls. I don’t remember which one. Holly. Holly. Holly. But Cali’s, like, I’ll go get rid of him and she goes to talk to him, which makes no goddamn sense.

Like she barely does she know him, but at all, I don’t know, like why would she go? I was actually thinking that she was going go and maybe try to blame. Yes. One of the other girls. For what was going on. But she doesn’t. 

Todd: She doesn’t, and, and Holly’s left in the room with the body for some reason, but. But I don’t understand what she says to Ben.

So when she answers the door, Callie goes, we know what you did. And Ben’s like, what are you talking about? And at this moment I thought, oh, is she trying to set him up for this? Right, right. Somehow for this death. But no, she says like, we know you cheated on her. And what? I’m like, what is she doing here?

And he’s like, now I never cheated what’s going on? And so. It. Now it looks like she’s trying to stir up some animosity between Ben and Holly. I guess I don’t understand this because then she just disappears. Ben comes in, seems to surmise that Holly is in the other room. Behind the door, and he bangs on the door.

He is like, Holly, Holly, I, I swear, whatever She, what? She said, it’s not true. I didn’t cheat on you. And they have this kind of argument through the door, oh, I didn’t get this at all. I just didn’t get it all. 

Craig: I think that she was just throwing out whatever, like, mm, I don’t know. He’s a man. So he’s probably cheated at some point.

Like, well, we know what you did. What, um, you cheated? I, I feel like she was like, she was just throwing something out there, but. It was stupid. It wasn’t good writing. It was a device and, and like it was a device, and I’m talking a lot of shit about this movie. It’s not terrible. It’s just so typical. I feel like I’ve seen this movie a hundred other times and 75 of those times it’s been better and better written.

Like the writing is, it’s just dumb at some points. Yeah. Uh, it 

Todd: really is anyway. 

Craig: Yeah, it doesn’t come across as dumb as dumb. It’s not 

Todd: amateur, 

Craig: quote unquote, so bad. It’s good, and it’s not amateur. It’s, it’s well filmed and thank god they only filmed an hour and or edited it. God bless this editor who edited it down to an hour and 15 minutes.

Because it should not be any longer than that, but it’s certainly not gonna be the worst thing you’ve ever seen. No, it’s fine. Yeah, it’s fine. Yeah. The actors do a fine job. The cinematography is fine. It’s nothing special, but it’s all right. We have seen way worse. It’s just frustrating when you’ve seen it a million times and then they throw in these.

Stupid. The whole Ben thing is stupid. Like, 

Clip: yeah, 

Craig: they threw it in at the beginning. Like, oh, she keeps getting calls from Ben and like, oh, can Ben come over? Like, okay, well obviously Ben is gonna show up at some point, and he does. And. The way that it’s handled is just dumb. Like yeah, I’ve seen it a bazillion times.

Todd: Well, he’s really just there to distract Ollie from the body. So while Holly is still in the same room with the body, but that’s a big room up against the door. I don’t know. Somehow distressed about. Ben and talking with him. The guy who’s on the floor is, is awake again and he has somehow using his mouth mm-hmm.

To pull on a tassel that is hanging from 

Craig: a tablecloth. 

Todd: Tablecloth. Yeah. I don’t, I don’t, by the way, I don’t think this would be physically possible unless you could lift your head. But he ends up with just his mouth pulling on that tassel enough. Ben just leaves. Right. Does he just leave? Whatever happens to Ben?

I don’t even remember. I don’t 

Craig: remember. I have in my notes hurt guy tries to pull off tablecloth, but it’s too late for Ben. And then Callie says she’ll kill him. I would chastise, chastise, excuse me, my students for saying who is him? Pronouns require a clear antecedent. I don’t know who she’s talking about.

Callie says she’ll kill him. Holly says they. Okay, so Holly says they should turn themselves in. Okay. And then like they have a big fight. Like the girls all fight. The other girl I feel like is entirely unimportant. Yeah. She barely talks. No, she barely talks. She’s just there all the time and they have a big fight and they’re like, we should turn ourselves in.

And Callie disagrees and the other two girls are like, no, we should do it. And, and Callie’s like, okay, but I have to pee or something. 

Todd: Meanwhile, yeah. Oh my god, Holly and Melissa have the dumbest scene. It’s that classic. We’ve need to kill time and we’re trying to make these characters human and they’re like, oh, I wish we were just back at the house.

Oh, right. Remember how comfortable it was back at the house? 

Clip: I wish we just go back to when we were just having fun. Oh, and remember dad’s sunglasses? Oh ha. Had sunglasses. Oh, he wears those because he is smoking pot. He didn’t want us to know off. 

Craig: Oh my 

Clip: God. 

Craig: I was rolling my eyes and they have that dumb conversation and they’re like, where’s.

Callie, that’s weird. And they’re like, holy shit. And they run in and Callie is murdering the guy. 

Todd: Yeah, 

Craig: she’s smothering him and he is dead. 

Todd: There is an obvious call out to the Shining here. That’s ugh. I don’t mind people stealing shots from movies, but this is a movie that had no style really. And then suddenly is pulling a very stylistic shot out from The Shining where she’s like, you know where Jack Nicholson is banging on the door?

Mm-hmm. Trying to get into the bathroom. Mm-hmm. And it’s from below banging on the door trying to get in. Callie is asphyxiated the guy, and finally they get in and he’s dead. 

Craig: He’s dead. And Holly slaps her is like, you’re a murderer. Like they haven’t all been in on this the whole time. Right? Uh, the other girl who has been inconsequential throughout is kind of okay with it.

And, and she’s like, yeah. They’re like, we should hold a vote. Do we tell the truth or do we lie? And Callie. Not, not Callie, the, not the one who killed her, but the other girl, Holly, yeah. Is like, here’s what we’re voting on. We tell the truth and we say that Callie murdered him, or we lie and Mel’s like, Hmm.

Let’s lie.

Oh God. And then, and this is what always happens, not always, but so often, like when people are trying to cover up a secret in these type of movies, eventually they turn on each other. And I don’t know, Holly runs for the phone, but Callie knocks her out. And when Holly wakes up, she’s tied up. And Callie makes up a whole story.

This was interesting to me. We get to see, as Callie narrates this story, we get to see it. She makes up a story where the guy that they killed. Killed Holly and then they killed him and they’re gonna go with that story. So then they, he’s already dead and they beat him to oblivion. Now, I don’t watch these crime shows that often, but I’ve seen them enough to know that the forensics people can tell if somebody has been beaten.

After they’ve been killed. Like it’s different, 

Todd: right? It is, yeah. It’s something about the blood sits in the veins instead of is actively flowing and so when they’re beat, like the bruise are different. These 

Craig: girls are just stupid plus, ugh. I don’t know. I mean, I guess their story maybe could have worked, but, 

Todd: but you’re gonna kill your friend.

You are gonna kill your friend for this new story. 

Craig: That’s a good, that’s a good question. Like if your life, if your very life and livelihood was threatened, like something happened, you didn’t mean to, but it was really your fault and somebody’s gonna expose you for it. And you think you could get away with it if it were not, but for that, what would you do?

Todd: I just think they could come up with a better story, you know? 

Craig: Yeah. But the other girl’s gonna tell she’s gonna tell the truth. Yeah. She’s 

Todd: already said she’s gonna tell. So they’re gonna kill her now. 

Craig: Yeah. I 

Todd: mean, I 

Craig: don’t 

Todd: know. I couldn’t kill somebody. I just didn’t feel like. These, you could kill somebody.

No, I couldn’t, I 

Craig: couldn’t kill somebody. 

Todd: I, I, I couldn’t. I just, I, I don’t buy that. Callie is so horrible that she would not bat an eye. At killing her friend, right? No, no. Up to this point. Everything that she said, you know, like, well the guy did fall down, he did break his neck. They did. You know, they come up with the story.

Alright, so he is incapacitated. Nothing you can do about that. Waiting it out is really super cruel. That’s when she should have come up with the idea of just beating the hell out of him and. You know? Right, right. Pretending that it, whatever, but that she didn’t think of it fine. But all, all of this stuff, I could kind of see Callie being cruel enough and being able to justify it by, ah, he’s already pretty much dead anyway.

Paul: Mm-hmm. 

Todd: But this whole on of like, right. I’m gonna kill my friend, and then I’m gonna have a witness to it. 

Craig: Right. 

Todd: Who also needs to keep her mouth shut? Huh? I, I just don’t buy it. 

Craig: But that’s ultimately what the other girls do, isn’t it? Like 

Todd: Yeah. 

Craig: I, I feel like Holly somehow gets free 

Todd: from that glass, that broken glass.

Yep. Mm-hmm. 

Craig: And, and, and kills Callie, right? Like she, 

Todd: yep. 

Craig: Beats her over the head or something. I know. Yeah. With that table 

Todd: leg, 

Craig: she was bad. Like she screams and they kill Callie or she kills Callie. And then does it cut too much later? And like me and Holly are on the. Speech. 

Todd: Well, they have their story first.

They’re like, all right, so now we’re gonna change the story and we’re gonna make her the hero. Right? On paper. I think this sounded clever. You know what I mean? 

Craig: I do like this on paper. Yeah. 

Todd: Yeah. It’s just a little sloppy. It doesn’t kind of work in real life, but they’re like, we’re gonna make her the hero.

This guy broke in. He tried to rape me, 

Craig: Callie. They’re gonna make Callie the hero. 

Todd: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m sorry. Yeah. They’re gonna make Catley the hero. This guy broke in, he tried to rape me. He beat Callie, and we managed to turn on him and beat the pulp outta him. 

Craig: I a, again, in my notes in parentheses, I made a point to put it in parentheses, the times of their stories wouldn’t make up.

Or wouldn’t match up. Like if any forensic investigator looked this up, they would be able to determine time of death. They would be able to know that this guy was beaten after he was killed. I don’t know why I was so concerned. With this in this dumb movie, but I think it was just because every time they were trying to establish a motive, I was like, no.

I have seen CSI, this motive is not gonna work. 

Todd: Well, to be fair, it doesn’t have to make sense in order for the girls to have the idea. No. You know? Right. They, they can be ignorant. You, but they do get away. 

Craig: They do get away with it. The two girls end up on a beach. 

Todd: The fact that they get away with it is crazy.

Craig: It’s fine. I mean, I, I guess. You know, they just eliminated their sociopathic friend who cared not about anything, the lives of other human beings, but still, they killed a couple people. Yeah. And then, and then Silent Night plays to remind you that this is a Christmas movie and to remind us. That this is a Christmas movie and that’s why we chose it.

Merry Christmas.

Todd: It’s like we just pulled a lump of coal out of the stocking. Oh, 

Craig: I have seen worse. I have seen way worse. Yeah. I have put on movies on Tubi or on any other free streaming services that were far worse than I’ve turned them off. ’cause I’m like, I can’t watch this. It’s. Terrible. I wouldn’t have done that with this movie.

It’s fine. It’s. Fine, but that’s the best review that I can give it. It’s fine. 

Todd: There’s nothing, they’re groundbreaking here. There’s nothing particularly compelling here. You know, I was just disappointed. There wasn’t more of a twist. It’s like these girls have the, the same conversation three times. What are we gonna do?

Oh, we’re gonna pretend that he’s dead. What are we gonna do? Oh, well, you know, we’re gonna wait out that he’s dead. What are we gonna do? Oh, we’re gonna move him to this other room and we’re gonna stage this thing. What are we gonna, I mean, it, it, there wasn’t like. Enough of a complication. You know, these movies really need like strong complicating factors.

Mm-hmm. You know, not just this basic Ben, I don’t know, Ben might show 

Craig: up, right? Moving a guy around. 

Todd: Ben might show up. Is it, you know, I was basically it. Ben Mo might show up and I’m gonna tell, 

Craig: yeah. 

Todd: Those are the two big complicating factors and they’re boring. 

Craig: It’s only an hour and 15 minutes. Yeah. I applaud movies that know when they should only be an hour and 15 minutes.

Todd: Could have been an hour, 

Craig: could have or a half an hour, frankly, 

Todd: could have been a half hour. Again, I mean, the, with the, with as much content as was in here, you could have easily trimmed it down with Tales from the Crypt episode. 

Craig: Yeah. Yeah. For sure, for sure. 

Todd: Cut out the 20 minutes of the girls. In the beginning that didn’t go anywhere and didn’t give us any more information, except just show some girls having a good time.

Right? Cut that down to five minutes. Have the thing happen, have the girls have their three conversations, the two dumb little extenuating circumstances. And then by then you haven’t invested so much in the movie that this little sort of twist that, oh, we’re gonna actually make the bad girl into a hero in order to save our asses, 

Clip: would’ve felt a little 

Todd: more.

Twisty, I guess. I don’t know. Yeah. I mean, I can’t imagine anybody listening to us talking about this, wanting to run out and watch this movie. I mean, but so I I I’m not gonna recommend it 

Craig: if you don’t have anything else to watch. Yeah. Right. Like, I’m 

Todd: not gonna recommend it. No. There are dozens of other movies.

Yeah. Following a similar premise that are way more fun, 

Craig: or it’s Christmas time. There are so many good Christmas movies to watch, watch Christmas Vacation, or CROs, or a Christmas story, or a hundred other movies that I have on my list. Terrifying to watch this season.

Todd: Well, one nices little Christmas gift that we have for you is that we received another message from one of our oh fans. Would you like to hear it? 

Paul: I would like to hear it. Hey guys, it’s Paul from Alabama. Just wanting to say I appreciate everything y’all do. Your product’s fantastic. Y’all have kept me entertained for years.

I’ve loved pretty much all the episodes. Um, there’s been a few y’all suggested and I appreciate the shout outs. Uh, what, what’s funny, I, the funniest episode, man, I, I don’t know, I don’t know about the funniest episodes. I do love when Craig does the voices and Tyler tries to sing. Y’all just don’t know how much entertainment that is for us, that everything he’s done and, uh, keep up the good work.

I really thank y’all so much. Still listening every day from Alabama’s Paul signing off. 

Todd: Tries to sing. All right, thanks Paul. It’s pretty accurate though.

I love when you do the voices too, Craig. That’s really quite nice. 

Craig: I know. I feel like there’s a common thread. Like I am the funny one. Oh, wow. 

Todd: Looks aren’t everything, buddy. Looks, aren’t everything.

I, uh, I, I’m, I’m impressed that Paul listens every day. That’s great. Me too. Yeah. Yeah. That’s 

Craig: Paul. Thank you so much. That’s thanks. That’s so nice. And every time we hear those messages, I’m just so humbled and we hear from different people from different parts of America and different parts of the world and it just blows me away.

Lots of different people. It, it really. It makes me happy. I’m, I might cry about it.

Todd: Oh God, I, I, yeah. It’s, it’s a blast. Thank you, Paul. Thank you so much for that message. If you are so compelled to leave a message as well, just go to our website, chainsaw horror.com, click on talk to us, and, uh, you don’t need any special software. It just happens right there in your browser or on your phone, whatever you’re using to browse the website and the minute you record it up to 90 seconds, I think it’ll just.

Ship it right off to us and we will play it on air. Thank you so much Paul, and thank you guys all there out there listening. We really hope to bring you three much better holiday movies. We’ll see. I mean, it’s fun to talk about the movie, whether it’s good or bad. Yeah, I mean, yeah, no promises. No promises we 

Craig: haven’t picked.

Todd: There are a surprise to us as they are to you, but uh, if you have suggestions, now’s the time to submit them. I suppose patrons, 

Craig: especially because. We may have recorded two or three more episodes before they actually come out. That’s true. That’s one of the benefits of being a patron. Todd posts these unedited versions of our conversations almost right away, so if you come over to our Patreon site, you’ll get to hear them and you’ll have more opportunity to vote and participate in that kind of discussion.

Todd: That’s true. By the time you hear this on our regular thing, it might be too late. Yeah, yeah. We do. We do record a bit in advance at at times. We thank you so much for listening, whether you’re a patron or whether you’re just a longtime listener like Paul. Well, thank you so much for listening to us and the best thing you can do.

Is share us with a friend. Send us the way of the, your, your horror friends, your friends who just enjoy having a good conversation. But we have a newsletter also. You can send them to that. Also available drive through on our website. That’s weekly and it just, it gives you a little bit of horror news every week.

Uh, it tells you what we’ve got coming up in the podcast, what’s happening with the patrons. We, I think that’s worthwhile. Check it out. Always, you can find us@chainsawhorror.com or just by searching two guys in a chainsaw podcast. Get to in touch with us through social media and we’d love to hear from you.

Until next time, I’m Todd. And I’m Craig with Two Guys and a Chainsaw.